The pain had been quietly chased away by the winter chill of starlit water and sad blue eyes, shared warmth of bodies that ached at the thought of continuing on into this unfair life. The weight had lifted a little from his shoulders after that quiet dawn-lit morning, but as always it had slowly started to settle down once more. Pressing upon his bones until he seemed to always ache. His ruined left limb, so freshly taken from him, throbbed fiercely with the arrival of Frostfall in a way he'd never experienced. A cloud of mist clung to his whiskers, tired blue eyes gazing out across the snow-dusted barren trees. He wished desperately for a companion in these moments, someone to share his thoughts with. He merely looked mad otherwise, talking aloud to himself. 

But he was unbearably lonely. His herd hated him, the one mare that could love him had been hurt and spurned by Other Kaj's apparent cowardice, Cirrus had returned as if nothing had changed in her long absence, and his friends had dwindled into so few numbers that he feared they would eventually slip between his fingers like sand. He had found a temporary, understanding sanctuary in Sohalia, and he wished he could go there nightly. Spend the rest of his days in the chill of that ink-black liquid, sharing each other's burdens, cleansing themselves. Purifying themselves. 

What am I doing, any longer?

What use was his crown when those below him cast stones, never caring to even speak a word to him or get to know him, while they eternally hoisted Archibald upon their shoulders? How blind and hateful could they possibly be? Without the emotional experience to temper his rage into self-hatred, he is bitter and disgusted with his herd and their narrow minds. I saved you all, he thinks darkly. You cannot complain about our actions while you live in these lands, using our resources and offering nothing of yourself in return. You are leeches, and I have no more blood to give you. I've shed it all on your behalf.

With a sharp noise of negativity the stallion turns and paces towards the borders, nowhere left to go and nothing to do for the evening. 

Until a sparking, glowing bird descends from the skies towards him. And Kaj follows. 

The lay of the land betrays him. The cloak of his own title confounds and oppresses him, and he does not realize that the mask of I'm-good-I'm-okay is still etched onto his face until he sees the shadow of sadness and disappointment in her eyes. His smile fractures at the edges, and he sighs quietly into the cold of the air. Their smiles match each other's now, and he welcomes the warmth of her lips as they brush comfortingly against his own, chasing away both the chill of the snow and that of his own solitude. He had forgotten how cold you could grow with no body to lay beside, no brother to brush sides with, no family to share intimate touches with. He had lost them all, and yet here Sohalia was, seemingly so soon after their last reunion. She had not forgotten him. She who stood as alone as he did, reaching out to clasp fingers in the dim light. A solitary thread, a singular link that was as precious as it was fragile. 

His name was a benediction on her lips, and he did not deserve the relaxation he inspired in her beautiful frame. He did not deserve to hold the ability to chase the shadows from her eyes, and yet the mantle she placed upon him was far more welcome than the pain of his own shouldered burdens. This, he could carry. He wanted this, though he felt undeserving of it. Kaj would let her down, just as he had everybody else. He didn't want to see her face when he did. He may be stronger now without his memories, but even he could not deny that those he had failed still ranked in numbers he was too ashamed to face. How many more existed that he had cowardly forgotten?

She inquired after his state of mind, and the Aurelight couldn't help the pitiful, bitter laugh that escaped him. The memory of the herd meeting surrounded him, the disgruntled faces and rolling eyes, the displeasure - with Kaj - rolling off them in waves. "My family, my herd - the only thing that keeps me going, my only purpose in life...they despise me. All I have ever wanted is a family to love and be loved by," he admitted quietly, eyes dropping away from orbs the same shade and type of grief that he knew so well. It was too much like looking into a mirror while he admitted these things. "Without that purpose...what else do I have? What am I?" The whisper cracked like something bitter and broken on his tongue, and Kaj felt frozen in time with the admission he hadn't spoken aloud to anyone before. 

Shaking his head to rid himself of his little pity party he focused a sad smile on Sohalia. "But you came here for a reason," he noted softly, concern taking over his features. "What is it? What can I do?"

It was beyond him, how he could inspire such sweet, relieved sighs from the woman. He will never understand it, but instead of struggling against the sheer wrongness of the facts before him, he quiets his mind and simply accepts. He draws his own strength and comfort from the simplest brush of her skin, and while he can scarcely believe he does the same for her, he can't judge her for it either. Nor would he ever dream of denying her something that clearly brought her even a modicum of relief. So long as she was safe, he would fight to preserve anything that brought her happiness. 

The silence is a simplistic being as it settles between them. He takes no insult in her lack of response, because he knows the aspect of strangers still lingers between them. There is no comfort she can offer that would not be hollow. What she doesn't know is that even his most beloved of companions could not convince him of their sincerity either. At least he had been given the chance to let the words flow sour and bitter off his tongue, drip like acid upon the earth to scorch the moment into his records. He hadn't been able to admit it to anyone before, and her silence could not remove the cathartic relief that swept up inside his chest, an unstoppable reaction. 

Her softly spoken words, a mere whisper, did not condemn or pity him in their tones. "Thank you," he murmured plainly in response, with nothing left to offer where words stood insufficient. He suspected that even his mastery of the Helovian dialect could not account for the entirety of any language, that no words existed to describe how he felt in that moment. How he felt about her in general. 

Through her stuttering he is patient, a rock for her to lean on, a guiding light through whatever storm had chased her back into his embrace. When it finally fell from her lips, it felt as though his own electricity had turned against him, stunning him into utter silence. What? He stared at her dumbly, as her revelations spun wildly into apologies he would never have her make. His tongue felt thick, like cotton choking up his throat until his eyes were wet with tears that preceded the realization of his own emotions. "Pregnant?" Kaj croaked, heart thundering in his chest, a storm in its own right. And just like a storm it broke, shattering the stillness that had encased him, and he exploded from it in a flurry of his own convoluted emotions. 

But dominant among them was happiness - sheer joy, undiluted and passionate as he danced in place before her, wings arching in a proud display of his own excitement. "Don't apologize!" the man cried, hastily reaching forward and touching her anywhere his grinning muzzle could reach, shifting spots quickly in his own euphoria. "I've always wanted a foal," he whispered, eyes shining with the lights of heaven itself. Distracted, happy tears creased along the corners of his eyes. "No, it wasn't expected. And I know I'm not your mate but..." it was hard to form words when all he wanted to do was spiral into the sky and trumpet his hysterical success, this gift from the gods that had betrayed him time and time again. 

"I'm so happy," he croaked instead, because the words all felt so horribly inadequate. "Anything you want, anything you need Sohalia I will do it. We can do this," Kaj assured her, excitement buzzing in his words, manifesting in joyous sparks that curl and glow along his feathers. "Please never apologize for making me the happiest stallion in Helovia," he whispered, so overcome by his own emotions he could not raise his voice any louder. 

Whether she shepherded the child around in the wilds, or retreated momentarily - or permanently - into the Falls...Kaj didn't care, so long as he was part of his child's life. His child. "I'm going to be a father," he choked, smiling so wide his cheeks hurt. 

Whatever storm she had encountered in the depths of her beautiful mind, Kaj strove to break through them, illuminate her in the light of his own ecstasy. A father. I'm going to be a father. The one thing held unattainable his entire life, handed to him so perfectly in the guise of a woman that did not intend to love him, but whom he understood and cherished nonetheless. Because his heart was too damaged to hand to anyone else, but she...she did not ask love from him. She asked only friendship, solace, a reprieve from the weight of the world that scarcely needed either of them. In a way it was perfect, neither asking more of the other than necessary. And though she trembled with her uncertainty, there was no need for her to do so. She had granted him his greatest wish, made his one goal in life a reality. He loved her for it. Already he loved the little life growing in the pale body of the regal once-queen standing before him, and he felt dizzy and lightheaded with his own euphoria. 

My child. Sweet, happy tears streaked down his face shamelessly, grinning so wide his cheeks ached. After eons of bitter, salted pain, they were a simplistic redemption. All his life's struggles and successes leading to this final moment when he could raise a tiny life, shelter and teach it, love it and prevent the pain of a rotted childhood that he had experienced. He had been handed the chance to make the world better through the force of his own love for a single child. Kaj would have quailed at the idea, but the force of his own love was a security blanket. He would die in a moment for his child, when it had not even blinked its eyes open or taken its first breath. So this is what it feels like, he realized in a swell of undefinable emotion, this is what love was always supposed to feel like.

Her wing lifted and Kaj stood in awe of the trust she displayed, the gentle swell of her sides unfitting the season - for a moment he panicked, knowing the child would suffer as greatly as he did, sharing the season of his own birth. But it didn't matter. Kaj would love his foal deaf, blind, impaired in any way. He would cross heaven and earth, throw himself into every plane of existence, submit himself before the Goddess herself for punishment of his defiance if it meant healing the child he loved. Gentle nares reached forward to trace the curve of Sohalia's skin, cheeks wet and lips quivering with emotion. You are so close but so far, my love, he wanted to whisper, but did not know how Sohalia would receive it. 

Her insecurities as he finally - reluctantly - pulled away was not something Kaj had expected. His own fortitude would have to carry her through, for while Kaj knew the mistakes parenthood could bring about, he would throw himself forth into this endeavor with the purest and most sincere of hearts. Gentle blue eyes gazed down upon the goddess before him, face soft and handsome, hoping to inspire trust in her. 

"Actions of the past only make us wiser for the future, my dear," he rumbled softly, though his gaze was sympathetic. He could not understand the pain of her past, the connection she held with her children - this was his first child. But he could try. "You will not fail us. I am here, I will be here, and my herd as well. The child will know only the greatest depths of love, I assure you." He couldn't make the vow for her that she would be there to see it, that she wouldn't run. Kaj knew too deeply the reasons why they ran, why they left him with his broken heart and the gaping silence of their passing. But he knew that the child would never be without him. Until death claimed him, he would be at his child's side. 

"We can't predict whether we will be good enough," Kaj said softly. "All we can do is try our best."