The moment I saw her I knew. My features first fell and then froze, for despite the fact that I had looked so long for the babe in blue I had never prepared myself for the moment I succeeded. The presence of the egg and water pocket would not have shocked me otherwise, I had seen how strange a place Helovia was, but upon seeing her it meant even less than usual. I think, after coming to Helovia and seeing the Endless Blue, knowing that in some ways the world and my journey ended here, I had resigned myself to never finding her. To arrive at my old home and already find her in residence was a devastating fact that struck me into stillness. I could not respond, not properly at least. I could only think of all the time lost, and upon realizing all I had missed I think a part of me broke inside.

But what was strange, and what I became fully aware of as I stared quite rudely at the small mare, was that she was happy. And for a moment I wanted to grab her, to wrap my neck across her withers and throw my weight against her and shake, to cry out: How can you be this way, how can you smile after living the life that you have? Cry, child, sink into sadness as I have done! Exist in a life that is the pure simplicity of trying not to drown.

She asked me if she could help me and that was all I wanted to say. I looked horrified, it wasn't something that she could miss. I didn't know how smart the girl was but there was nothing shaking or hiding that expression of pure terror upon finally coming face to face with all I had searched for and realizing that it wasn't what I wanted. Had I come here to save her, to protect her, or had I been lying to myself all along? I think I realized, then, what a fantastic ruse it had been. I had told myself and so many others that I sought a little sister to care for, when all I had ever wanted was someone to share my pain.

Perhaps I was too disgusted with myself to tell her, then, anything different than I would have told someone else. I had the words, the horrible truth of "Dear Tiamat, I am your sister from a life lived long in abuse and horror, and I've come to assure you that whatever past you thought you had run from is back, and it's here, and it's me." I could have said it and it would have been easy, because despite the fear that gripped me it was a selfish thing and I had lived selflessly for so long that I wanted nothing more than to make myself happy, even if it meant punishing another. I knew nothing of the delusion she lived in, and how I would have shattered it if I'd told her the truth; that would only have made things worse.

Somehow I managed to swallow my uncertainty and my expression turned blank, which was better than before. "I am Ahvelyn. I was a crafter here, an apprentice of Johnny's. I wish to return to the herd and resume my duties," I recited, my voice metallic and rigid. Everything was fact, because emotion was too difficult too control--too unreliable.

"It's nice to meet you, Tiamat," I said into the wind as if I'd never seen her before in my life.

""

Ahvelyn