the Rift


Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel]

Kri the Resolute Posts: 243
Hidden Account
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.3hh :: 10 Buff: NUMB
Boom Boom!
#5
 Kri</style>

My ass connects with a rough shove onto Aryel's body, and I feel her slide from me, pushed by the force of my attack. I smile. There is no greater pride than the thrill that shakes in your bones as your attack goes smoothly, sending your opponent a confident, silent message that you are in full control. Of course, I could not entirely control her actions, but if I could manipulate my own movements, perhaps my strong will and finesse could cause her to fold to my skill. I had no need to injure this mare, but I could still present to her the poweress I contained, teach her how to cope with it. If Aryel was a fast learner, she may soon become a test of my skills versus a presentation. When that day came, I would smile with foolish glee and welcome my new opponent.

For now, a slap in her face from my wings is the closest she will get to a pat on the back from an impressed mentor. The scrape of teeth against my hip are deterred from any damage by the swift "fwhap" from my feathers. As my wings lower, I hear the click of teeth as the grasp on air, and a smirk crosses my face momentarily as my hooves lift easily from the red dust of the desert, my body taking hold in the air and rising quickly in altitude. More confident in the sea of air than the hard floor of the earth, the sky was my home. The open expanse of the red desert stretching out before us like crimson tides was fitting for me, if only because it allowed for an unmarred blue sky, rarely the home to clouds. Bright blue and a white sun, just like in the picturesque daydreams of a summer sky - the home I truly wanted to claim was mine.

My reverie about the sky is short lived, for Aryel has joined me, the whistle of feathers cutting air heard in my ears. I look about, dark eyes finding the figure above me, her posture exuding a nervousness I had not felt in years. I could be imagining it, though, but maybe if I was still a novice fighter, I would be intimidated facing the Leader of my home. When I remember my attitude as a young filly, however, I reconsider. Mostly likely I would be the same cocky ass I am today.

Aryel's wings fold and I prepare myself, immediately increasing my speed and tilting my wings to allow my body to rise, as though I were surfing up the face of an invisible wave. The mare's hooves are not entirely escapable, hooves meeting the flesh of my right flank as she soars downward. With one swift jerk of my back legs, I reach backward toward her passing left barrel, continuing on my forward and vertical path. Because of the opposing forces of my own movement and our close proximity, the attack would do little damage, regardless of the force I put behind it, but perhaps a swift kick to the ass would teach her to avoid the backside of her opponent, even when airborne. I continue to curve upward, turning upside down, my blonde mane and tail reaching back down toward the earth as I move back downward. Instead of completing my full circle, I move downward, toward Aryel.

Dropping like a stone for a few seconds, before shooting my wings back out like a parachute. I slow, attempting to hold myself to the left side of Aryel, wings aiming to be placed a mere foot above hers, crossing them at an angle and making a strange, flattened 'X' from our wings. My teeth reach out for the crest of Aryel's neck, grabbing for a chunk of mane at best, not wanting to draw blood from this girl.


[ 2/3; WC: 672 ]





[ OOC Commentary; This post was so much better than your first! I am actually really surprised at how much tangible improvement I saw from this one and your last. I'm like a proud mama right now. ^^

Anyway, there were still some mistakes I would like to mention here. I want you to proofread your next post. There were a lot of grammatical errors in this one that sort of distracted me throughout. I am -not- the example to follow when it comes to proofreading, as I never do it. xD Proofreading is good, though, and it will help you review what you are writing to see if your attacks are making sense or are even plausible.

Other things that were awkward for me in this post was the first couple of bites. I, myself, was not sure whether to consider them actual attacks, as you never actually... allow them a chance to land or not? You sort of mention them getting canceled out, and one of these was actually powerplay. "Switching her target from her flank to the offending wing, she tried a bite at her feathers, only to feel her teeth click together on nothing but air." - Only I can decide if her bite lands or not because it's kind of like you are determining the position of Kri's wings in the air. It was subtle, and the judge may or may not count off on it, but I think ultimately it would be best to allow your opponent to decide the fate of your attacks. If you don't want an attack to do any damage, then either do not add it on, or put something like "the bite was likely too late to catch the offending wing, but she tried for it anyway". That tells me that it would be sort of unrealistic to allow the bite to hit, while also still giving me the freedom to decide and keeping yourself free of powerplay.

You forgot directions again! "Extending her own wings, she pushed off, taking a brief running start before soaring in a wide curve to meet Kri." You never said which direction you are curving to, so I took the liberty of saying it was "left". The judge may or may not count off for a small mistake like this, but it actually gives an advantage to your opponent to allow them to decide on the direction. For instance, if Kri was injured on her right side, and that was what you wanted to attack, but you didn't say which side your attack was aimed for, I could easily manipulate it to the left and avoid the excess damage to an already injured side. Don't give your opponent an edge! Be purposeful and specific in your attacks.

Things you need to work on would probably be emotion, as this post felt relatively dry, and remembering directions.

One thing I was particularly impressed by was your consideration of your surroundings in this post. "Kicks lacked power in the air" was just a short little phrase, but it was a great addition. Surroundings can get you some bonus points during the fight as well, so don't underestimate their importance! :D

Kri's attacks/defenses may be a little more tricky in this one. Basically, as Aryel is sliding by Kri, before she lifts up to stop herself/as she does, Kri kicks out at her left barrel as she begins to curve upward. Here is a little sketch of their position and the kind of movement Kri would be trying to make/making. Next, Kri finishes her air roll and aims downward toward Aryel's left side before trying to bite at her neck. They would look sort of like this. ]


Messages In This Thread
Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Kri - 12-26-2012, 06:46 PM
RE: Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Aryel - 12-28-2012, 10:35 AM
RE: Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Kri - 12-29-2012, 01:23 PM
RE: Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Aryel - 01-01-2013, 10:41 AM
RE: Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Kri - 01-09-2013, 03:50 PM
RE: Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Aryel - 01-18-2013, 01:02 PM
RE: Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Kri - 01-25-2013, 05:23 PM
RE: Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Aryel - 01-30-2013, 04:54 PM
RE: Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Official - 01-30-2013, 07:08 PM
RE: Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Kri - 01-30-2013, 08:16 PM
RE: Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel] - by Aryel - 01-30-2013, 08:31 PM

Forum Jump:


RPGfix Equi-venture