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11-16-2013, 06:11 PM
“Thank you,” I smiled, and smiled, and probably it showed, how tired I was, but I could not – I could not give up, not just yet, no matter how futile this search was.
Part of me knew she’d gone, that she hated me and wished not to be found, but the other side, the purely animal side, did not want to let go. How could I? She was my daughter, the only one I was allowed to keep and to love. The one I’d given birth to on my terms. The one I’d loved on the side of a river never to be seen again…
Maybe she was there still, one with the river. Maybe she was just gone, another fever dream I would chase to the bitter end.
And maybe it was time for me to – not give up, not give in, how could I?, but maybe… maybe I could stop. If only for a breath, stop, learn, regroup – rethink.
“I am searching for my daughter,” I told her. “I have been searching for her for weeks, almost a month, I think…”
I just wanted it to end. I knew – I felt – him there, here, with me, and yet – I couldn’t without giving her up, and I could not do that, how could I? I was her mother.
“I think maybe I should stop for a spell,” I sighed. “Show me the way?”
Part of me knew she’d gone, that she hated me and wished not to be found, but the other side, the purely animal side, did not want to let go. How could I? She was my daughter, the only one I was allowed to keep and to love. The one I’d given birth to on my terms. The one I’d loved on the side of a river never to be seen again…
Maybe she was there still, one with the river. Maybe she was just gone, another fever dream I would chase to the bitter end.
And maybe it was time for me to – not give up, not give in, how could I?, but maybe… maybe I could stop. If only for a breath, stop, learn, regroup – rethink.
“I am searching for my daughter,” I told her. “I have been searching for her for weeks, almost a month, I think…”
I just wanted it to end. I knew – I felt – him there, here, with me, and yet – I couldn’t without giving her up, and I could not do that, how could I? I was her mother.
“I think maybe I should stop for a spell,” I sighed. “Show me the way?”
Meraki.
“I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.”
— T. S. Eliot
