leliel.

I not trying to hurt her, I am only trying to make her understand why I am the way that I am and why I've done to her what I've done. In my own twisted way I was trying to protect her from the same persecution that the elders and my own family had put me through. She was so delicate then that I didn't think she could handle it and listening to the way her voice shook and broke now I can't help but feel that I was right for doing what I did. I hope that one day she'll understand and can forgive me completely.

I tilt my ears back against my head as she twists my words around and insults herself. "Stop!" My tail lashes against my legs as my head snapped back in her direction. I was not trying to make her feel sorrier for me than I already knew that she felt. And I was not trying to make our lives into a competition of who had it worse, though I do believe that she had it a lot easier than I did because life is a cakewalk when everyone likes you. My ears tilt forward after several seconds of being held tightly against my skull. I don't know what to say now that I've snapped again besides telling her to stop talking so badly about herself. "You're not an idiot." I may have called her that before, I don't remember, but if I did I was only trying to keep her from getting too close. It didn't make it right, but I had my reasons if I did.

My head shakes from side to side when she speaks again and I can't believe she's telling me that there is no reason to despise my appearance? I've spent so long hating myself for what I look like that I just can't believe what she's saying. "Look at me!" I say. "How can you even say that?" I sound incredulous because I am. "If I didn't look like this I would have had a family! We wouldn't be where we are right now! And I would have been able to give you everything you wanted and asked for! I have all the reason in the world to hate myself." I pause before speaking again. "I've thought time and again of jumping from Janat's mountain tops and just falling until the ground caught me. No one would miss me. No one would care." No one except, maybe, for her, but Shamsiel would be there. He would take every opportunity he could to make sure that she forgot about me so he could have her to himself.

She makes me shake my head again by saying she would have gone through the same thing I had if I had asked her. "I am not so selfish or cruel." She just doesn't understand even though she may act like she does or claim that she does. I honestly don't think she would have lasted if they treated her the way the did me. "Look at what they did to me, Muriel." I step in her direction, my muzzle reaching out and searching for her pink body. "Look." I stare ahead with clouded and scarred eyes as I search for her. "They did this to me. Why would you even think I'd want to let them to do this to you? This is why I pushed you away!" I stop short, ears back once more and muzzle still extended.

She says the gods will help us and I snort and shake my head yet again. "The Gods in Janat didn't do anything to help me, why would these?" She continues on and I can't help but think she's daft. "I never hated you!" I may not have accepted her friendship because I had been burned so many times by everyone, but I had never hated her. Why can't she understand that? I just told her about how I spent all of my life pushing her away so she wouldn't have to go through the same things I did and she still thinks that I hate her. "If I hated you I wouldn't have had a problem with you being treated like I was."

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