He laughter should’ve made me smile; it should’ve warmed me up like it used to when we were kids, where I’d do the stupidest shit to get her to laugh at me, with me, whatever laughter I could tease out of her. But now? I was still frozen. Things were tumbling inside me, falling, crushing, rolling around, making a mess of things.

Hell yeah, it’d been a while. Too long—much too long. I felt like I’ve grown a hundred years since I last saw her; after the monsters and the desert and the whole god thing, a thousand things had been planted in my mind, and my focus was just destroyed, and Jiji…didn’t have a place in that. The thought of it made me feel sick; all this time wandering around with no idea what to do with myself, and very little of it had been actually spent thinking about Jiji. She meant more to me than that—I swear she did!—but I suck, I suck and my brain can’t work so many things at once. It made me sick to know I had pushed her to the back burner.

My chest—it was crushing in on itself watching her. Because I still knew her body, as long and glamorous as it had gotten. I knew the anxiousness in her stance, the way she sat awkwardly in my presence, this awkwardness that I hated because we weren’t’ supposed to be awkward in each other’s company, but now we were and it was horrible. My mouth still wouldn’t work; my voice was dead; I should’ve been explaining things, I should’ve been easing the chill in the air, I should’ve been being responsible, but no, I was standing there dumb, watching Jiji fumble about with her voice and her obvious sadness and—

--oh jeez oh no, stop Jiji, stop, don’t cry because of me. I knew her body too well, I could see the mist in her eyes and hear the failing in her voice, and oh god oh jeez I was making her cry, this was too much, I can’t—no, Jiji, holy gosh I’m so sorry—

--and I still didn’t know what to do; I awkwardly rocked on my feet, taking a step toward her, taking a step back, because I wasn’t sure if getting closer would make it hurt more, if she even wanted to touch me after I turned into the kind of bastard I was—

--but somewhere in there I had found my voice. “No,” I was saying, my mind a whirl of panic and my chest absolutely destroyed in the pain I was feeling, “no, no, no, no Jiji, don’t cry, don’t cry because I suck, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Ji!” I took a step toward her, and stood my ground. “Jiji….I…couldn’t handle it. I’m sorry, I told Mesec to tell you how much I actually suck balls, but the honest truth was that I panicked.” I didn’t know how she’d feel hearing this from me—so I told the truth, the honest truth, because that’s what I did with her. I always told her the truth. “When I woke up and the gods had given this…body to me, I got scared. I saw you, and you were still tiny, and I felt so—so confused—so angry—I didn’t want you to see me like that. It was—it was ugly, and I’m sorry I couldn’t’ help it, I should’ve been stronger—“

I took another step toward her, trying to ease the pressure in my gut that was trying so hard to destroy me. “Don’t cry,” I said, softly, and it was probably the tenderest thing that had ever let slip from my lips, but I didn’t care. This was Jiji and I didn’t care, I couldn’t care because Jiji was crying and it was my fault and no matter how fucked up I was as a demi-god, this was one thing I was going to set straight, dammit.

“I’m here now.”


@[Ranjiri]