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She called me a jerk, finally. She bit me with her fangs, poisoned me and my blood with her words and made my head spin a little bit more, because I laughed. I chuckled against her; it went into her mane and my shoulders shook with the force of it. Because I was happy she was fighting back, finally. Her attitude wasn’t tears, and it wasn’t breaking me to hear it. Besides, she was here, in my grasp, underneath my neck, even after acknowledging the fact that I sucked testiballs. Which proved that she didn’t hate me after all.
*“…I love you, you dummy.”*
No. I guess she didn’t hate me at all.
The laughter in me died down a little—but that was okay, because the contentment was still in my chest. I just sort of stood there, fully enjoying the moment I had with Jiji and all that it meant. I murmured into her mane, “You know I love you too, right?”, which were words that were just for her and that I usually wouldn’t admit to having said but right now I don’t give a crispy crackle because I was happy. And if it’s a moral crime for me to be happy instead of confused and panicked and agitated and pissed for once, then I’m just on first-class flight straight to hell. And it was worth it.
I let Jiji’s scent engulf me, let the memories flood behind my eyes, because I was gearing up for the inevitable. She told me not to insult myself—but what I was saying weren’t insults. They were cold, hard facts. I sucked, I sucked hard, and I was about to prove it at that moment as I pulled away from her, my eyes heaving, falling, falling. Because it was coming.
“….Look, Ji,” I said, my voice hanging low in dark, homesick forest, “It’s so good to see you again…and I’ll never leave you without a word like that again, cool? That was a dick move. I won’t do it again.” I tried to look into her eyes, passed all that golden mane she found somewhere; tried to see the Jiji I knew and loved, wondered if she would hate me now if she didn’t hate me then. My throat clenched—I didn’t want to say what I was about to say. But I had to say it, so. Ball up, Ros.
“I...can’t stay at home with you, though. I can’t—I gotta go, keep moving, keep exploring this land. I don’t want to,” I finally admitted, a confession I didn’t even know I had—but here it was, spilled right in front of Jiji like a toppled sack of beans, “I hate this, I hate leaving things and finding others and leaving them too. I hate not knowing what I’m doing. I hate being in this maze, Ji, it’s stupid and it’s wrong and it’s....cruel. I have to leave you behind again and it’s butt-fucking-dumb”
I paused; an idea that I had been pondering for some time danced in front of my tongue. “Unless…?” I whispered, looking deeply into her eyes. My nerve failed me; I didn’t have the grapes to say what was floating in my head.
Unless you come with me?
@[Ranjiri]
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