irrydae.</style>

Dear Evers,

It's been half a year since you left. Not exactly half a year. 2 more weeks will mark half a year, but exact days do not matter. I thought I might have been getting better but then I realized how long it's been and I really, really miss you. And Rita, too. How old is she now? I would love to make more butterflies for her. But I can't. Sometimes I do and imagine her chasing after them like that day. But it only makes me sad because it gets harder and harder every day to remember your voice, to remember how soft your muzzle was when it brushed me. I try to not even think of your name, but it doesn't help. I can't even remember those days after the herd meeting. The first thing I remember is stumbling across all of the Gods, only to witness them disappear. The sun, the stars, the moon all left and didn't come back for a very long time. All I had was my own stars to guide me.

After you left, it seemed like everyone else did too. First Ophelia and Osiris. I think the whole herd didn't know what do do for a few days. Eventually Ktulu, Archibald and Circe left too. We're falling apart, Evers. There is no more Grey. Apollo and Phaedra lead us now. Our numbers are dissipating quickly and I can barely get myself to the Threshold anymore. When I do, I must have the worst luck, because no one ever comes home with me. I keep hoping that I might find you, like how you found me, in the Threshold.

My mother would tell me I am being silly. That you aren't worth my tears and pain and sorrow. But hell yes you are. She might even say I was being stupid for being so depressed, especially after all this time. And I'm honestly trying to get better, but I can't. I can't help but feel this is my fault for over reacting that day and I am so sorry. I just want you to come back already.

So I woke up today and I guess the realization of how long it's been dawned on me. And it made me really sick to my stomach and my heart hurts. I've hurt for so long I don't even now what 'hurt' is anymore. Everything is just numb. After I finally collected myself I got up and walked out of the Foothills. I didn't run. I didn't fly. I just walked.

Slowly, very slowly - I don't know how long it actually took - to Helovia's Heart and stared at the flames for awhile. There was a time I stayed far away from it's edges but now I stand right on the edge, golden hooves slightly hanging over the edge. The whole time I thought about us. And I thought about what I would say to you if you came back. I honestly don't know if things would go back to normal, or be better, or be worse. Truthfully I think the source of my pain is starting to become anger. I don't want to be angry at you though. I'm angry at myself for over reacting. I haven't ever experienced emotion before, and when my mother died and told me she loved me for the first time I over reacted then too. I'm messed up, okay, I'm so very sorry. I'm so sorry Evers.

I wonder what it would be like to jump into the flames. Maybe then relief would come.

Love always,
Irrydae


talk talk talk"
[ ooc ; i assume replies after this will be normal, just want to start this way... open to everyone! ]