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01-18-2014, 12:49 PM
By my verdict: SOLACE is the winner!
SOLACE
Realism [1]
- Personally, I wouldn't have taken the damage from Locket's kick in his first post - he kicks 'to the right' which is the opposite side of where you are. I would have written something about Solace's confusion about why his opponent was kicking out at nothing. The fact that you took the damage, makes me think that you didn't realize the error, either.
- Solace turned his body as fast as he could manage and then pushed himself forward, in hopes of sinking his teeth into his opponent’s neck. - why would he need to turn his whole body for this? If he's just collided with Locket's shoulder, his neck would be within reach, especially for Solace who is larger. The way you wrote it, I thought you were going to buck, but this comes across as an unrealistic and almost misleading description of him trying to bite.
- Before he knew it, Locket latched onto his own chest -- again, I don't know that I would have taken this as damage. Locket fell, and then got up. Wouldn't Solace have reacted to that? Either backed up, or attacked when Locket was vulnerable and fumbling to stand? But for you to say 'before he knew it' is unrealistic.
- With his hinds, he gave himself a good thrust forward, trying to smash himself into the stallion’s chest.With his hinds, he gave himself a good thrust forward, trying to smash himself into the stallion’s chest. -- What? Locket is running away, you're running after him. How could you hit his chest?
- Solace then lifted himself up into a half rear and flung out one hoof in case his opponent stayed up but also had intentions of coming down his opponent should he stumble a bit. I don't understand this attack. It seems like you're saying he half rears (I guess assuming Locket stopped/that you caught up with him), and that he flung out his hoof ONLY IF Locket also reared. I think that's what 'in case his opponent stayed up' means, but I'm really not sure. The second part doesn't make sense to me at all. Should who stumble? Locket or Solace?
- Your last roll from Locket was 9.5HP of damage - but you describe Solace as merely being struck by Locket's hooves, with no realistic mention of how this turned into 9.5hp of damage.
Emotion [-2]
I really like the motivation that you describe in your first post, for why Solace is out there sparring, but then it drops off to nothing. Saying that he is falling into instinct, does not mean there isn't emotion there.
Prose [3]
- You keep mentioning how Solace's forelock is getting in his eyes, but I don't really see what the purpose is. If he had thought, Man, I need a haircut, your reader might have chuckled, but as it has been written it comes across as awkward. For instance, Solace didn’t move quite as quickly as the smaller stallion, and his green forelock frequently got caught in front of his eyes. - what does his forelock have to do with the size of Locket, if it wasnt' serving as a distraction at that very moment? Inserting more of Solace's actual thoughts would have really made this more engaging.
Readability [1.5]
- Solace came from the left, and he tried slamming his shoulder against Locket’s own shoulder - This needs to be more clear. Is he coming head on? From behind Locket? Which shoulder is hitting which? 'From the left' is that his left? Locket's left?
- This needs to be expanded: This proved to be useful though, as the orange stallion turned and launched his hind legs towards Solace, they came within a close range of the stallion. Came within close range...and what? Didn't hit him.
Finally tally: 19.5 + 3.5 = 23HP
Comments: Great spar! I think there are two areas of opportunity for you here. The first, is to USE YOUR WORDCOUNT! You came in at about half, each post. You're missing tons of chances to explain Solace's thoughts, emotions, and to describe exactly what he's doing. This will really help. The second thing, is to slow down, and explain your attacks. Everything read very rushed, and I couldn't get a good idea of what was going on, where you were attacking, etc. If you work on those things, you'll have a great foundation.
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LOCKET
Realism [-4]
- As shoulder hit shoulder, the sooty stallion's maw is open and poised to strike at Solace's right side, prepared to hold on and take the stallion down with him. - Why is Locket just standing there? This strikes me as really implausible. If he is watching Solace charge towards him - larger both by build/breed and height - why wouldn't he try and do something defensive? Why wouldn't he try to dodge it? Heck, he could lower his horn so that if Solace continued, he'd be stabbing himself. But standing still?
- This sort of continues the above comment - Locket fell down? Solace is bigger, but it isn't like Archibald vs. a foal bigger. If you've watched horses play, you'll know that they don't just fall like that - they're big creatures. I could see if a pegasus hit you, you might go down because of the angle (assuming they were flying), but it doesn't make sense for Locket to have fallen. Not only that, but Solace dealt 12.5 hp of damage - the most he can give out. And no where have I read you appropriately respond to that amount of injury. There's no mention of him hurting himself during this fall, only 'springing' back up again.
- You seem to take the injury in the form of the bite, which again, isn't realistic. #1 Solace bit once he knocked into Locket - meaning by the time he fell and got back up, the bite would be long over, and #2 It's unrealistic that his bite would cause more damage than knocking Locket over.
- as he turns to get a good kick in -- careful. This reads very declarative.
- He slows just enough, matching his speed to his friend's. Leaping to the side, he thrashes about with his forelegs, trying to scrape the left side of his attacker. He tries to grab a handful of mane with it, but he was trying to run and rear at the same moment, making biting difficult. He trips, losing his balance and tumbling forward, making the most of it. Throwing out his legs in a knot of bone, flesh and muscle, he desperately hopes to trip the massive stallion. This has a number of problems. #1 Solace is trying to knock into you - does he hit? You said Locket leaps to the side...but DOES he dodge it? You don't actually say. #2 You mention Locket slows down, so now maybe they are next to each other - unless he turns his body, how does thrashing with his forelegs help at all? #3 Your next sentence is really hard to understand. You start out by saying he tries to grab a handful of mane, but don't say how - at the end, you explain he was trying to bite. okay fair enough, but you say the reason why it was hard, was because he was trying to rear? When did that happen? Has he stopped running now and is rearing? Or is it more like a running leap? #4 He trips. I'm assuming this is where you've decided to take the damage from? Again, it's massive - 7.5 points, but it doesn't come across that way. What made Locket trip? Which direction did he fall? There's also no mention of pain from this attack either.
- There's also no mention of Solace's half-rear in here.
- He felt his blood creating little streams all over his body ... blood from what? So far, you've been bit once (which should NOT be bleeding very much, if at all), and Solace has a gash on his neck. Where is all of this blood coming from, that's' creating STREAMS on his body?
Emotion [-3]
The emotion wasn't believable for me. Why would he die for the Grey? Why does he think he needs to prove something? How does it make him feel, to be beat up by someone who wasn't even ever a part of the Grey?
Prose [-3]
- The two began the fight spontaneously - lol no they didn't! Solace called out and Locket answered :P
- He felt the teeth of his opponent on his neck, a new wave of pain sending him into a bit of a frenzy. He wriggles about, kicking forward to strike at his breast or upper portion of his legs. Locket is in reach of his chest, and he takes the chance to bite. -- you cannot re-write things that have happened. You already responded to Solace's bite in your last post. This just reads awkwardly to me. This is also powerplay - saying that Locket wriggles and tries to kick out, and then bites Solace's chest - that did not happen the first time you wrote it. The first time, he stood up, and sort of plunged his fast into Solace's chest and bit - this is completely different.
- He tosses his hair to the side, forelock breezing past his eyes and blurring his vision for just a moment, causing him to stumble forward as he fled the range of his herd mate. -- again, this is NOT what happened. After Locket bites Solace, he turns around and tries to kick him. He doesn't just stand there tossing his head.
Readability [-3]
- In your first post, I'm assuming that you're coming upon Solace from the front? All you say is that you take notice of him, and stride towards him. Given that your starting position will mean a lot, I might make this part a bit more explicit. You also go on to say that you rush towards him and swerve to the right - and then try to kick Solace's right side. If you were facing him head on, and moved to his right, it's now your left side that is closest to his left side, not his right.
- Locket has another face to face meeting with the ground, this time hoping he fell in time for Solace to come crashing down over him, Locket desperately hopes momentum and size is in his favor. I didn't understand this at all. By face to face do you mean because Solace tried to bite you as well? Your post reads as if you're hoping he falls...on top of Locket?
- There were grammar/spelling issues in each post as well.
Finally tally:22 - 13 = 9HP
Comments: Good spar! I think you need to work on your understanding of equine movements, however, and how damage is dealt. Horses don't typically leave bloody gashes when they bite one another - their teeth are dull, not sharp. They also don't fall down as much as Locket seems to, nor can they simply 'spring up' afterwards. Your posts were also confusing to read - I couldn't get a clear idea of what was happening, because you changed the timelines in order to respond to things that had already happened, and Locket's movements weren't always clearly defined. I think if you work on those things - appropriate damage/movements, and describing where Locket is - you'll do really great! Using all of your word count can also really help with this!
