Ricochet
Realism [+1]
He edges closer to her, until they are face-to-face, as stallions who fight sometimes will; his head twists and his mouth reaches out to nip at her ears. :: You can’t indicate that you are ‘face-to-face’ with Histe, only that you try to be. The second sentence can also read as power-play. You had plenty of words left, make sure that you’re always indicating that you’re ‘attempting’ to make a move, rather than ‘absolutely’ doing it.
:: Dropped attack- there was mention that Merikh’s attack was paralyzing but there was no real description of how it affected Ricochet and he moved immediately after.
Unseen, Guns is running at the brindled mare, pawprints red with blood. :: You have to try to be unseen, otherwise you’re dictating what the other character can and cannot do.
Having caught her shoulder on the right, he guess she would adjust her course to the left, thus avoiding his brawny quarters further. :: Histe dodged first, then she hit. Make sure to keep everything in the right order!
Ricochet had not been defeated, not yet, but he had been humiliated, by the fear in his eyes and the paralyzing affect the forewarning growl of thunder had on him. :: You can’t go back and change what has happened. There wasn’t proper acknowledgement of the paralyzing effect in the prior post.
:: Dropped attack- You mention Histe’s bucking spraying mud onto Ricochet, but don’t mention whether or not the buck managed to hit, as Histe had tried to do.
:: Your responses to damage accurately reflected the rolls that Histe had against you. I think you did a really great job with this!


Emotion [+1.5]
But today, with the thunder whispering its sinister warnings, he is petrified with a fear that cuts to his bones and strokes the warmth of his beating heart with glacial fingers. :: Lovely imagery, thank you!
:: I wasn’t feeling a lot of emotion in the first post, though the later two picked up more. You spent a lot of time describing that the pair didn’t like one another, but I had a hard time feeling that history between them. I get the feeling that a lot of it was described in the thread immediately preceding this one, but as those posts would not be counted in the judgment I did not go back to read them. Remember that everything in a spar must be standalone- meaning it can be understood without background knowledge or going back to read old posts.


Prose [+3]
The short grass is slick with blood beneath his hooves, he notes dually, poor footing. :: Should be noted ‘duly’.
…his sadistic joy soaring higher as he landed blow on leg and chest. :: blows
:: For the most part, the prose was good. There were a few minor errors, overall nothing too concerning.


Readability [+1.5]
:: There is quite a bit of switching from present to past tense, outside of memories. It was rather distracting at times, so be sure to pick one point in time and stick with it!
:: Attacks were mostly clear and I could understand what was going on, although I did have to re-read your final attack several times to figure out exactly what was happening.


Finally tally: 36.5+7 = 43.5HP
This was a good fight, overall, but I really think you need to slow down and reread before posting. There were a lot of errors or mistakes that could have been fixed by more careful reading of Histe’s post or more attention to detail on your part. I felt like you were very rushed. Remember that you have three weeks to respond, so take your time. If you’re not ready to respond, wait until another day.



Histe
Realism [+3]
:: You described Histe as slipping and falling in response to the first attack, but I really think she could have taken more damage with the twisted ankle. Especially since, although you did note it a few times, it didn’t seem to effect her too much in the following posts. For example, when she bucked, I would have liked to see mention of the pain of putting all her weight on the damaged limb.
:: Overall, I think you could spend some more time explaining how Histe feels the damage she is taking. You acknowledge that the damage occurred but don’t go on to give Histe’s response to it, which would really increase the quality of connection between Histe and the reader.
…remembered how he made the dust explode. Without dust and only wet, sticky, acidic mud what could he do? :: Good, I like that she’s remembering how he acted in his previous battles and having that affect her choices.


Emotion [0]
:: Ricochet not responding to the paralysis magic would have been a great place to insert lots of emotions and feelings. Histe’s plans have been very thwarted at this point. I got a little bit of emotion, but I would have liked to see quite a bit more.
…if there was anything in the world that she would protect it was the cougar. It should have also been apparent that there would be no hope for anyone who managed to hurt him. :: Good, I like the attention you draw to Histe’s feelings about Merikh. I really think you could have gone more into this, however, to make the reader really feel that emotion. It felt pretty superficial to me, considering the intensity of the emotion.
:: I know that Histe isn’t big on emotions, but considering the apparent history between the two I should have liked to see more of that anger. And there were several big moments where you started to give some emotion but sort of let it go before it could really reach a peak of feeling.


Prose [+3]
But she would snow him no mercy. :: Show him no mercy.
An ear twitched in Merikh's direction and the cat screamed, unleashing the power if his paralyzing ability. :: power of his paralyzing…
The mud sucked her her hooves as she hopped forward… :: Two hers.
His goading is ignored by the hardest if only because Histe knew… :: Hardest what?
:: A few minor errors, but nothing glaring or obvious.


Readability [+2]
:: You have a tendency to use some very long run-on sentences. It sometimes made your posts hard to read and follow. However, there were not very many of these. Just be sure to use some periods to breaks them up!


Finally tally: 9+8 = 17HP
:: You never used your whole word count, so you definitely had a lot of room to develop some more emotion. It didn’t seem rushed, I think you just have a very straight-forward style, but make sure to go beyond just explaining what Histe is doing- really get into why she’s doing it, or what she’s feeling about the events around her. Even scary, acid rain monster ladies have feelings!