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01-16-2014, 03:14 PM
 T a m l i n | N y x - - - - - By my verdict NYX is the winner. Nyx receives 1 VP. TAMLIN -- post 1 (attack only) [Realism] - 2| Powerplay: Letting no time pass he arched his thick neck around her beautifully curved hind and curled his black lips over his, still rather white, teeth. This is too declarative. You cannot dictate that you're doing this, as it assumes your opponent is standing still and allowing it. You can only say that this is what you're attempting to do. [Prose] 0| Emotion. + 1| Flow. + 1| Easy read. NYX -- post 1 [Realism] + 1| Injury: Slides away from Tamlin's teeth, but still gets bitten. + 1| Attack: Bite towards his left shoulder. + 1| Attack:Trying to shove into him [Prose] + 1| Emotion: + 1| Flow. + 1| Easy read: TAMLIN -- post 2 [Realism] - 1| Injury: You wrote: He also ran straight into her bite which created a small gash where the skin was pinched between the bone beneath and Nyx’s teeth. When Nyx wrote this, it was under the assumption you were perpendicular. But now you're saying you ran 'straight into her' - so where is the bite landing? Is it on his face now? The top of his neck? You mention after that it's on his shoulder, but that doesn't make sense, as you've already indicated that he swung his hind quarters around as well. 0| Attack: Rearing into Nyx - you say it's meant to 'force her up with him' but I don't understand how that could be, unless he was under her somehow. 0| Attack: Is he attacking with his hooves, or biting? I can't tell, and you don't say. Also did you forget she has a horn? Attacking her pole seems very dangerous.. [Prose] + 1| Emotion. 0| Flow: The arrogant brat was surprised that his attack had failed not played out the way he wanted - sentences with poor grammar like this were confusing in this post, and really threw things off for me. 0| Easy read: NYX -- post 2 [Realism] + 1| Injury: Having Tamlin shove into her shove. + 1| Defense: Is far enough back, so as not to be effected by Tamlin's rear. + 1| Injury: Bite between the ears. + 1| Injury: Having his hoof clip her shoulder + 1| Attack: Horn attack towards his shoulder. + 1| Attack: Tries to stomp on his left leg/hoof (lol). [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Flow. + 1| Easy read. TAMLIN -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Injury: Nyx's horn attack. + 1| Injury: Nyx's kick to his left leg. 0| Attack: Is this him biting her? he flung his head forwards towards her right side. Skin was usually loose right over the ribs and if he could grab her there it would probably cause her some pain. ? Also, if they're face to face, I doubt that he could reach all the way to her ribs. Shoulder is much more likely. 0| Attack: Again, do you mean to try and kick her here: He wanted to move his right leg and knee her on her muzzle (if her head was still low) or at the upper part of her left leg, but the pain of his fresh wound was too great. It resulted only in an awkward half-stomp and a grunt of discomfort. It reads to me as a description of him flailing around, but not succeeding in attacking at all. + 1| Attack: Kicking out with his front left leg - trying to hook Nyx. [Prose] + 1| Emotion. 0| Flow. Spelling/Grammar mistakes. - 1| Easy read: This was really confusing to read. NXY -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Injury: Tamlin's bite. + 1| Injury: Unbalanced by Tamlin's reach-around with his leg. + 1| Attack: Bite to his right flank. + 1| Attack: Swinging her hindquarters into his shoulder. [Prose] + 1| Emotion: Hahahahaha. she'd have to settle for quite literally trying to ass him over.. + 1| Flow. + 1| Easy read. TAMLIN -- post 4 (defense only) [Realism] + 1| Injury: Nyx's bite. - 1| Attack:This is a closing defense. You are not allowed to attack: surged his head towards the ground to send his black hind legs flying. His white spotted rump became airborne and his wet tail whipped, sending water and mud into the air. + 1| Injury: Falling to the ground after Nyx shoved him. NYX [Bonus] + 1| Breed. + 1| Terrain. [Injuries] +1| : Least injured. [Creativity] +1 'assing him over' haha. Comments: Wow! I was really impressed! This was really great to read - your posts were clear, and I could always tell where and what Nyx was going. Great job reacting to the environment, and writing accordingly. Wonderful! TAMLIN [Bonus] 0| Breed. + 1| Terrain. [Injuries] Nothing of note. [Creativity] Nothing of note. Comments: Slow down! Your posts were a little short and choppy at times. There were also spelling and grammar mistakes that made things harder to get through. Your biggest area of opportunity is going to be when you're describing your attacks - for the majority of the time, I couldn't tell if you were attacking, and what/where you were attacking with. Be as explicit as you can! Great job! TOTAL Nyx - 76 Tamlin - 55  |
