I watched him as my back popped, the spine finally lining back in place after I had continued to shove the disks together, trying to cause myself more pain - to punish myself for nearly drowning him, for possibly hurting him.

He seemed lost in thought, too lost in thought. And, so I tugged at his mane. He shouldn't call Lakota again. It wasn't necessary. No one could heal my back anyways. It had been done once, it was as good as it were to get. I could feel the hesitation as I tried to get his head down, but he gave in and allowed me to rest my head upon his poll, and then lipping at his chest. I didn't know any other way to say sorry than with words.

He sighed, lipping at my mane before saying that it was okay and that he was fine. I could only shake my head. It wasn't okay. It hadn't been right, and I would have to make that up to him. That much was evident to me, at least. Flowers? No. He's a man. That's useless... An amulet? If I found one, he'd get it... I'd figure something out. I was putting him through so much for so little in return.

Again, I tried to explain just why I had pushed him into the water, pressing my maw to his head, resting it on his eyes. But none of it worked. I saw the scar, and assuming that it would signify pain I pressed my maw to it, lipping at it and trying to be gentle, breathing against it. But it didn't take long. He was reeling back, ears pinned and eyes wide - as if I had just tried to kill him. And I'm reeling back as well, panic in my limbs. I hadn't meant to! God. No! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just! I thought to myself as he squeezed his eyes shut and the shaking of his head.

I didn't care if I got hurt. I deserve it anyways. I moved forward, trying to press myself up against his chest, prepared for something to kick into me as I lipped at his shoulder trying to find a way to calm him. His head shook, just enough that it slammed into my shoulder and with the weight I stumbled backwards, wincing at the feeling of bone colliding with muscle. Deserve it. I deserve it. And I am hiding behind my forelock, trying to find another way to say I'm sorry.

When he finally looked at me I could feel my shoulder throbbing from the impact, and the confusion that was circling his eyes was mixed with anger on the lines of his face. I'm sorry! Dammit! Everything I do is wrong! I just want to speak and explain! And the tears are in my eyes. My hawk would know what to do. He would have let me avoid this. And I hate the world again. I just want to scream at it. I want to curse everything that had a chance to hurt him. I'm angry at him for dying. I'm angry at myself for crossing over and being the reason why he had to die.

I grit my teeth, my head lowered and neck arched as I hear the word sorry, and then bad memory. I understand, I do. But I have to use those words. I nod my head insistently at the words before pushing at his side, like I had when trying to roll him over into the water. I lip at a shorter scar on his side, hoping it wouldn't elicit the same reaction, and then I push again. Bad memory. Didn't mean to shove you in water... I'm sorry...

Would he understand? Would he care? I hadn't meant to scare him. I hadn't meant to make him relive anything. I was trying to help him understand that I wasn't usually like this...