.svg/2000px-Google_Chrome_icon_(2011).svg.png){kind=icon}
01-19-2014, 08:09 PM
 |
|
I remember when I first met Note. I remember how young and innocent and naive I was then - how easy it was to fall in love and think that maybe, just maybe, I could have the life that my parents should have had. Maybe that had been my problem all along - maybe I had been trying to hard to be my mother. Maybe I had tried too hard to find someone who reminded me of my father. Maybe I was never meant to be like then, had been destined to fail all along. Gods know I have had my share of failure. I slight shudder runs through my body as I remember the look of disgust on Gaucho's face when he realized that I had not kept Zenobia with me on my way to our sanctuary. Was there hatred there, or had it been imagined? Had he ever cared for me at all, or had all of my poor decisions, all of my rash actions, all of my passionate wrongdoing been for naught? Did he just look at me as another piece of flesh - the mother of the child that he hadn't even wanted? A failure? A burden? Will Note look at me the same way when I tell him that I have lost our daughter? Will he hate me for not knowing Skysong's fate? Will he forgive me for what I have done? Do I want him to? I find myself leaning into Note's warmth, wanting so badly for his love to wash over and through me, to cleanse me and reassure me in ways that I hadn't been in so long. I have shouldered the weight of the world on my own, outcast within my own herd, along among those who called themselves my family. I had been so close to happiness, and yet... yet... He had taken my happiness, back then, and ever since I have been trying to fill in the hole left by the death of our firstborn, by his disappearance. But how could I, with all that has happened? How could I fill the void that only grew with the disappearance of Skysong, the birth of Zenobia, and now, now, after all of that, her disappearance as well? It has taken some time and, might I add, quite a bit of effort on the part of the universe or karma or whatever sick vengeance that continues to act against me, but I am well and truly broken. "Note..." I say softly, my voice breaking with exhaustion and depression. "I... so much has happened, it's all wrong, it's... I..." I take a shaky breath and concentrate on not stepping on the rather excited lynx darting beneath my hooves. "You don't want me," I finally say. It is not an accusation. It is not angry. But it is the truth, and it is all that I can find the words to say. How can he want me, once I tell him everything? And I will have to, you know - that's the thing about love. You have to tell the truth. "Talk talk talk." @[name] |
| Sohalia Don't wanna leave this life knowing I barely tried... |
