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02-02-2014, 11:38 PM
I never thought that I would lose control like I did when Gaucho left. I never knew that I was capable of exhibiting such a display. And despite how embarrassed I am by it, despite the fact that I have shown a terrible face to a wonderful friend, it is a relief to finally, at last, show some kind of emotion. It is exhausting to keep it in, to hold it tight within my mind, and I know now that if I continue to try it will break me. I will fall to pieces, and I will be weak, and I will have nothing left of the life I have tried so hard to build. I have been good, and nice, and quiet, and timid for my entire life, and look where it's gotten me! Granted, there is a time and place for it. But I am beginning to realize that there is a time and place for anger, and sorrow, and screaming, and crying. There is something to be said for letting it all out. My head is clear. I am free. Rasta's anger mirrored my own, but as I turn to her to question her origins, her expression turns to one of confusion. I regard her with interest, determination blazing in my orbs, although I have not yet formed a plan. Bits and pieces of thought are beginning to jumble together incoherently, and I cannot separate them and make sense of them yet. I do know this: Gaucho is a warrior. Ampere can fight. Gaucho followed Ampere to deal with a threat. That is a bond that I cannot share with him. She has something I don't, and I am not comfortable with that. If I cannot keep his interest, she will, and I refuse to allow that to happen. At best, I am a toy for Gaucho - I am bright and shiny and physically attractive, but after all of that is gone, we have nothing in common. That will not hold us together. But if I could fight... if I could accompany him to the battlefield, if I could fly alongside him and help the W.A.R. effort (yes, I have heard of his army, though not directly from him), if I could do anything that he could be proud of... maybe that would be enough. Maybe he would admire me. Maybe he would care for me. Maybe he would want me - and maybe he wouldn't want anyone else. And, as an added bonus, I would be able to kick the stupid blue's ass into next week. (Oh, isn't vengeance sweet?) "I need to learn," I tell her firmly. "I need to do something." I do not elaborate. "Talk talk talk." |
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