CASHMERE
Realism [-3]
I think you have a good handle on the timing of motions in fights, but I think you need to read more spars and watch the way actual horses fight/play to get a better idea of what they do and how they do it. Of course we play our horses with much more advanced thought than is normal, but they still have certain instincts and limits to their body that discourage certain behaviors, such as getting onto their back on the ground to attack. Horses barely go on the ground when comfortable, much less during battle, and this is because they have no strengths like this and it takes a lot for them to get down and back up, it’s not a quick process by any means.

I would also like to see more description about your attacks - I wasn’t even sure you were rearing in your first post. With so much of your max word count still available, I definitely suggest taking the time to explain yourself more clearly, so that both your opponent and the judge can understand and visualize what you’re conveying.

You brought up Oxy’s locoweed in your second post, and that the aroma of it makes Cashmere light in the head and encourages you to fight. Locoweed’s effects are attained through ingestion, and if they were to be had through smell, I would imagine the weed would need to burn and the smoke be inhaled, so this was not a realistic effect. You also want to be cautious of using effects like this or adrenaline to boost your character too much.

And finally, please be cautious of your wording! There was a point in your third post where you said you tasted Oxy’s blood after you bit him when Oxy never described it as anything more than a bruise. You also had an instance of powerplay in your second post where you said “His leg slips out from underneath him, and he jolts to the side, trying to regain his balance.” Only Oxy can determine if this occurred. I do understand this is an instance where Oxy had a critical miss, however I did not see any statement from Oxy on the die thread or on the fight thread that this was how she wanted Oxy to miss, Sevin contacted me and said she told you over Skype so I did not remove points for this, but even so, it’d be best for you to be cautious and just never assume or write a character doing something. You can only control your own character. It would have been perfectly fine if you had said you think that is what happened to Oxy, but you cannot state that is what happened to Oxy without him saying so first.

You have great ideas, but I think you need to do a bit more research to shape those ideas into something realistic. Practice makes perfect!


Emotion [+1]
Although I really enjoyed the character’s dual personality, it did not submerse me into the character. You told me about how I should feel, but you did not make me feel it. This is where taking the time to be more descriptive and detailed can make a huge difference if you have the word count available. I also would have liked to see more of Cashmere through the fight, a struggle between the two and perhaps even desperation. Having Cashmere briefly take over would also be a good way to describe a failed attack or dodge.


Prose [+2]
Overall your posts read well, but at times were choppy and abrupt with the way they switched the focus of the writing. I would suggest using more transitions and again adding more depth and detail to explore what you are writing about, adding in a bit more vocabulary variety too.


Readability [+2]
Your posts were definitely easy to understand, just a couple typos in most every post! Don’t forget to proof read :)


Finally tally: 21+2= 23 HP


OXY
Realism [+4]
I thought you did a fantastic job playing off the terrain of the cave coupled with the metal horseshoes. I also loved you applying most of your critical miss damage in your second post to your slipping rather than the attack, especially considering the attack was just a bite, great job! I would have liked to have seen you do similar with your damage in your third post considering the attack was coming from a horse lying on their back, so I think you had more realistic options you could have taken in that scenario. Overall well written attacks and damage!


Emotion [+3]
There were a few times where I laughed out loud reading Oxy, such as “Are you really so terrible that you can't even hit a stupid mare standing right in front of you?”
I really enjoyed his constant dilemma with the gods throughout and his justification of the fight. The banter (thoughts and visions I guess) with him and his companion is great. The ending was especially powerful and was a nice conclusion to the whole fight. Great job, especially with sprinkling emotion all through your post and not just in intro and finishing chunks.


Prose [+4]
Your posts are definitely well written and though you do maintain a sort of humorous quality to Oxy you manage to do so in a sophisticated way that does not distract from the reading or a lot of the hidden, more somber tones to his character and his actions.


Readability [+2]
Very clear to read, just a couple typos all throughout ;)


Finally tally: 15+13= 28 HP