She actually asked me if I enjoyed doing what I did. She—well, it, the Jiji-thing, because seeing her as Jiji would be it for me. As done as I was, I would…..probably just keel over if I let myself believe this was Jiji talking. This thing that looked just like Jiji (except nastie)--that smelled just like Jiji (except smellier)--that talked with Jiji’s voice (except gravelly and horrible and mocking in a way that twisted this joke-knife that I kept sheathed in my back forever and all the time). I was holding out that there was still a catch in all this, hoping that there was still some hope to have and that the Gods and Daddy dearest hadn’t actually screwed me over.

But yeah, it asked me if I liked doing what I did, and the tragedy was that I couldn’t deny it. I did like attacking like that—in fact, it was more than just like. My body reverberated so excitedly as I let that blast of pure s h o c k blast through my blood and shoot from my horn like that. I had…it was like….I’ve never felt so alive before, y’know? Like this huge over layer of tension just snapped and I was free and it was the most beautiful feeling to let so much power just fly from myself like words I never let myself say and I hated myself, oh god, I hated myself because I had hurt this Jiji-thing and I was practically getting off on it. I mean, sure, I was holding to the idea that it wasn’t Jiji, that I was actually looking at some fucked-up demon face-stealer-thing and that it deserved all the pain I was giving it, and that it deserved to die, die, die and it was okay for it to die because look at all the shit it was causing. Just look.

I was still good at lying to myself.

It was talking again and it was doing its evil, horrible, shitty thing it does and it was mocking…me? No, not me, I was realizing between the haze of RAGE and the afterglowmath of my magic use. She was using this reedy voice to imitate what she might’ve found as an annoying fly of a horse, and I was confused as all hell wondering who “she” was, but obviously I was a shitty liar, especially to myself, so it didn’t take me long to dispel my notions of this thing being a thing by itself and oh shit Jiji was still somewhere in there.

Jiji was still alive.

Jiji was right in front of me.

But something had taken over her body, some evil infection or maybe a badass flea who decided to hijack its host. Which only made it more painful, didn’t it? Because I had attacked her with all the s h o c k I had, and reveled in it—I had attacked her and my whole body was aching to do it again. I wanted to destroy this creature who made my frayed rope finally snap, who made me realize just how done I was with all this this shit I was given on my plate. I don’t know what I’m doing, I never knew, and now look, look what’s happening.

I still didn’t know what to do, especially with Jiji right now. Instead of flailing with my ineptitude, though, I stood there, letting her mock me and threaten me, thinking it through as quickly as I could. Obviously she needed saving—but how was I supposed to do that? How….who? I wasn’t a healer—I didn’t know any healers—I wasn’t even sure if she could be healed. And attacking her certainly didn’t work, seeing as the gross-gross thing was still able to mock me and be all-around awful. And it didn’t help things that it was taking all my willpower not to attack this evil creature, because that’s what my blood wanted to do, needed to do. I don’t know if it was the god in me that wanted to purge the land of evil; all I knew was that I couldn’t attack Jiji again. I wouldn’t, and I would not.

“….hang on, Jiji,” I whispered a broken phrase, wondering if she would hear me passed the stink of the devil within her and the pain of the injury I had inflicted. “I can’t—just hold on,” I backed away from her, finding my steps weak from the magic, but there was no time to be weak. “I’ll—I’ll come back for you,” I murmured, aching from the words because I had left her, hadn’t I? I’ve done nothing but leave her our entire lives; it was something I was really good at.

But I always returned, right?

I zap!ed from her, continuing to zap away, getting as far away as I could as fast as I could, because Jiji needed help I couldn’t give right now.



@[Ranjiri]



talk