leliel.

There is defeat in her voice when she speaks to me and I can't help but hate it and myself when I hear it. My ears stay turned in her direction and I listen to her as she stands. Her steps bring her toward the water and I can picture her in my head going to drink, her pink and gold coat shining like it always did. Her feathers perfectly manicured and not a hair in her mane or tail out of place. Somehow I think that the picture in my head will never do her justice. I'll never be able to look at her again and I'm not sure why I even care. I had spent most of my life trying to shun her and push her away. Shamsiel had shown plenty of interest in her and I'd tried my hardest to sway her affections away from me and toward my brother because he would be a much better fit than I would ever be because everyone liked him, but she was a stubborn mare.

"I wanted to hate you."

"I wanted you to hate me." I lifted my head when she said that she wanted to hate me so I can stare in the direction her voice had come from. I don't think she understands how much easier her life would be if she just hated me like everyone else did. She would still be in Janat, she probably would have found another to turn her attentions to, and she might even be a mother by now, but she had to follow me when I'd finally been able to escape. "It would have been easier if you had." I whisper, scarred lids closing over my useless eyes. I never would have been able to be the stallion she wanted me to in Janat. Why would I want to be? Why would I willingly subject her to the same treatment that I had received all of my life? Why would I want to father children that would suffer the way I did? If my own parents hated me the way they did why would they love my children? Did she even think about that?

Everything she says is true. I am no ones night in shining armor and I never have been. I couldn't save myself so I know that I can't save her. Maybe now she'll realize that and she'll finally go and find someone that deserves her. So what if it hurts me, I'm used to being hurt. My heart doesn't matter, my body doesn't matter, my eyes don't matter, my soul doesn't matter. I don't matter. I know it. I've come to accept it. I don't like it, but it is what it is.

Her voice breaks and I know that she's crying as she talks to me, her feelings laid bare and I stay silent, unmoving, and withdrawn. It doesn't matter how my legs burn with desire to get up and go to her to try and comfort her. Water splashes and I picture her slamming her hoof into it as her tirade ends with an insult to herself.

"You think your life has been so tough." I say, sighing wearily. Normally I would have insulted her to try and drive her away but I think I'm just as defeated and tired as she is. "Imagine how much tougher it would have been in Janat if I had returned your affection. You know how much they all hated me. My own family! Everyone!" I shake my head as I think about them and how much I hate them and the elders and every filly and colt that pretended to be my friend only to spit on me later. She doesn't understand. She will never understand because everyone likes her. She's the perfect image of each beautiful sunrise over the mountains, pink and gold staining the skies. And she'd never know that I thought about her every time I watched the sunrise alone on my mountain top.

And I am darkness.

I gather my strength and begin to stand. I use my wings to help keep my balance because I've found that with blindness comes a loss of coordination.

"You don't know how often I've wished to look like you or Shamsiel so I could be what you wanted me to be. I didn't ask to look like this!" I don't want to look like this. I just want to look like everyone else and be accepted by everyone who hated me. "Its true you know how I was raised, but you didn't experience it." I look in her direction and frown. "Have you ever had your parents tell you how worthless you are? Have you ever been told that the world would be better if you were dead? Have you ever thought you finally found a friend and find out that they only did it on a dare?" The answer is simple and I know it. No, because everyone likes her.

"Why would you think I'd want you to go through the same thing day in and day out?" I finally ask. "Why would I want to have children for them to be treated the same way? You may think I'm cruel, but I am not so cruel that I would willingly allow that to happen." I flick my tail and turn my head. Maybe now she'll understand why I did what I did.

I stayed quiet for several minutes just listening to the water before I finally spoke again. "I do have my regrets." My voice is hushed as I speak. "My biggest one was that the last face I ever saw wasn't yours."

"."