leliel.

I'm shaking my head again as she speaks, denying anything positive that she says about me because I don't deserve compliments. I don't know how to handle them so its much easier to deny them as adamantly as I am now, but she's as stubborn as ever. She brings up other mares that I've talked to, which were few and far between I can honestly say. "You treated them the way they treated me." It was in those moments when she acted that way that I truly hated her. It was those moments that made me doubt her as I had because if she could treat mares she didn't even know that way why would she treat me any differently? How was I supposed to be sure that she wasn't like everyone else that had said they would be 'friends' with me?

My world has always been full of doubt. I've always had to look over my shoulder, worry and fret over what the elders would do to me next, who would come pretend to be my friend only to earn me more punishment. There were times when I would sit there and plead with Janat's gods to make me into something desirable so I could have my family. I didn't care if it was only for a few hours, I wanted to know what it was like to have a family that loved and accepted me, but they never answered my prayers. Eventually I gave up and began to scorn them and hate them and as my hatred for them grew it enveloped the elders and my family.

"No." I say when she says that she would have missed me. "No. No. You would forget about me. Shamsiel would see to it. No..." I know I'm right. She would have moved on with her life if I had jumped to my death like I had thought about dozens of times. I might have been a distant memory to her every now and again, but to everyone else I would just be another blip in the past that was hardly worth consideration. I doubt my parents would have batted an eye had I killed myself. And I doubt my brother would have minded it, either.

I can hear her moving, the sound of her steps getting closer, but its hard for me to tell exactly where she is until she speaks and then I know that she's right in front of me. All I would have to do is take a step forward and I would be touching her. I don't. I stand still, hooves rooted in the sand, but my ears are tilted forward as I listen to her again and, again, she disputes what I say, but there's more to it. This isn't Janat. We can start anew here. I know she's right, but its not as easy as she thinks it is. Whats been done to me can never be undone. I don't think that I can ever fully trust anyone aside from myself and maybe her.

Maybe.

"Because they are not the gods of Janet. They are benevolent. They care for their devotees. Onni is very close with the God of the Sun, does that not show that they are capable of bonds with mortals?"

I scoff and shake my head. "I've heard stories of these gods and they are far from benevolent." I counter. "Have you not heard of the Sun God attacking the mortals? Burning herd lands?" I may not have witnessed it myself, but I've heard talk in my time around Helovia and with my experience with Janat's gods I am inclined to believe what I've heard. "Gods will never be the same as mortals. They will never form the same bonds because they are powerful and cannot be defeated by us." I can't help but feel that its only a matter of time before they use us as playthings for their enjoyment and it furthers my belief that no god is truly benevolent.

"Even if you don't hate me, Leliel, I don't think I can ever make you love me."

I am thankful that our conversation leaves the Gods, but when Muriel speaks again I find that I'd rather be talking about the Gods than my feelings toward her. There is no going back, though. For several minutes we have laid everything bare, thoughts, feelings, beliefs. Why stop now? The only thing she could do is hate me or love me and if she hates me then its only one more person to add to the list. If she loves me ...

I don't know.

I can feel her muzzle brushing against my cheek. Before I had always pulled away as if her touch had burned like fire, but now I am still and allow her to touch me. "I don't ..." I don't know how to love. I sigh and close my eyes again. "How can I love when I've never been loved?" All of the pain I've ever felt is laid bare in that one question and I find myself turning my head so that I can touch my muzzle to hers.

"."