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02-11-2014, 06:31 PM
I have generally been one to wallow in self-pity, to allow myself to sink into the darkest pits of despair. I have lost myself in depression and anguish, allowing the world to move on around me while I remained immobilized by my own pain and fear. I have acted out of the desire to relive the lives of my parents - to find love, to make a family, to be loyal, and doting, and adoring, and honest. I have failed. But perhaps I have simply held myself to too high a standard. I come from a different land, a different world - love, I have seen, is different here. It comes in different forms, it shows itself in different ways. And as everything around me has moved forward, I have been so wrapped up in the past that I have simply stood still. Things have been changing, and I have missed it. And it is entirely my own fault. I will always miss my parents. I will always view their relationship as perfection, as an unattainable goal to strive for - but as all perfect things, being able to find such a love will prove impossible. But that doesn't mean that I am a failure. I have found love, so much love - Rowan, and Phaedra, and Rasta. Note loved me, and I loved him, but he disappeared when I needed him most; somehow, I have not been able to move on from that. Gaucho, even has given me as much love as his limited comprehension can give. He has offered me protection. He has given me a daughter. He has protected my home. No, the love surrounding me may not be perfect, but it is there, and it is mine. I don't have to be perfect to do wonderful things in this world. I have built the Wall (or most of it). I have made beautiful jewelry. I have visited the spirit world. I have survived against all odds. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am loved. I walk along the halls of the Sanctuary, and I laugh. I am free. I am free! How I long to take to the skies, to fly as high as the sun before folding my wings and falling back to earth. I long for the rush of the wind in my mane, the ruffling of my feathers, the warmth of the sun. I long for the dawn of a new era, one in which I can embrace even the oddest of my relationships, one in which I can show the world what I can do. I long for the day that I can break free of this dark, underground prison and find a new way, a new task. I long to make my feelings known to all that I care for, to show them that I understand their unique feelings, that I embrace the odd affections that they offer. Of course, I refer primarily to Gaucho. Most of all, I long to prove that I am a worthy mate. I long to show him that I can be all he needs. I long to prove that I am better than Ampere, who so clearly desires what is mine. I will survive. I will rise above. "Talk talk talk." |
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