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ELSA
Realism [+0]
:: A final lunge, and she moved towards Cheveyo’s left side.  Careful how you word things, this could very easily be taken as powerplay. Cheveyo could have moved in the time it took Elsa to lunge, so make sure you're always trying and not doing things when it comes to your opponent!
:: Down feathers were pulled harshly from the bony lining on her wing. I was really torn about this damage and how you took it. At first all you said was that feathers were pulled out but that Elsa wouldn't be grounded, which didn't seem proportional to the amount of damage Cheveyo dealt. Cheveyo rolled a 6, so this is the most damage she is capable of dealing, this should have been pretty significant damage. Then you described the pain and really bad, affecting Elsa when she stretched her wing out, making her wince, etc. which seemed more in line with the level of damage rolled but not the damage that you originally described. Then you said the pain eased to a dull sensation, which seemed more in line with the feathers being pulled out. All in all, I think that you were aware of the damage you were supposed to be taking but were OOCly trying to save your character from that damage. Whatever damage you choose to take, definitely make sure that it's consistent throughout your post.
:: Again, make sure to be consistent. After describing how painful the damage to her wing was, Elsa uses her wings to try and beat up dirt from the ground into Cheveyo's eyes. This doesn't seem like a very logical decision, especially since Elsa seems to be aware that the ground should be frozen solid.
:: Her teeth clacked together aimlessly, her dirt flying straight past Cheveyo without even a blink. What dirt? You just said in your last post that the ground was frozen.
:: Good job mentioning the pain in her wing again in the last thread! However, I think the attack itself was a little odd. I think with a damaged wing, the sheer force required to lift a horse from the ground within a couple of strides wouldn't really be possible. Think of how long it takes a goose to fly from the water- it takes a long time and a good running start. A horse is even bigger and quite a big less aerodynamic.
:: Relevant to her jumping over Cheveyo, I really liked how you had her flight affected by Cheveyo's hit and I'm glad you recognized that the combined effects of her damaged wing and the hoof hits would really knock her about in the air.


Emotion [+1.5]
:: Cheveyo was closer to her than her sanity. Cute, I like this.
:: The real pain festered within, a wound growing so large it seemed it could never be shut. You give lots of moments like this, where you start to give some really good emotion, but these moments often dissipated before they could really capture the audience. When you get to these moments, make sure to fully explore them. Especially since you often had a couple hundred words left. Use those words to your advantage.
:: The failure boiled up within her like a geyser ready to explode. This and the two paragraphs that followed were really nice and I finally felt a real connection with Elsa in this fight. Do this more often!


Prose [+2.5]
:: Switching tenses- There were one or two instances where I noticed you switched tenses from past to present. Just make sure to double check everything.
:: In the flurry of movement, she never moved, her hooves planted firmly into the ground. I know what you were getting at with this, but since Elsa is the one doing all the movement, it doesn't really make sense that she didn't move at all. Maybe just mention that her hooves never moved.
:: There were a variety of small grammar mistakes littered throughout. Just make sure to go back and read your post.


Readability [+2]
:: She bit at the middle of her wing. Careful in fights where two members of the same gender are fighting and use the other character's name if you think it will help with clarity. At first I thought Elsa was biting her own wing. There were several other instances like this where I was confused about which 'she' you were referring to in your writing.


Finally tally: 18.5+6= 24.5HP
:: I could sense the excitement for this fight based on how quickly it was finished, but I really think you needed to slow down and go back to read your posts. There were lots of points lost that were simply due to carelessness or something that could have been clarified with a few extra words. Once you've written your post, go back and read it once or twice, slowly and objectively. Ask yourself if you would understand what was going on if you weren't in Elsa's head. You potentially could have had 5 additional points in realism, if you would have slowed down. As for emotion, you started to give me some really good stuff in the last post, and there were sprinklings of good emotion throughout the other two posts, but it took me a while to really get into it because Elsa was a little all over the place. I think my biggest complaint about your writing was lack of consistency. If you need to, go back and read your old posts to make sure your subsequent posts make sense in the scope of the battle.


CHEVEYO
Realism [+2.5]
:: ...the painted mare turned around on her heels to look the white mare dead on... Careful how you word things. By dictating that Cheveyo is turning to look at Elsa, you remove your opponent's ability to decide how their character acts. Even though Elsa said she was going to try and face Cheveyo's back end, you need to stay aware of the fact that your attack on Elsa could have changed her actions.
:: cantering easily out away from the mare in a wide circle before growing ever so slightly close to her again... Powerplay again. Don't dictate where your partner is, what they're doing, or how you're facing them. Only try to do these things.
:: I think you did a good job translating damage level rolled to actual damage on the field but I think you might have OOCly altered how Cheveyo would have acted to comply with that damage. Mainly, when Cheveyo stood still every time Elsa was charging at her. Don't forget that you can have Cheveyo take damage from other sources- pulling a muscle from moving too fast, tripping, stepping on a rock, etc.


Emotion [+1]
:: it was driving her mad that the only blood spilt thus far was her own. This could be good emotion but it seems a little in appropriate given the time frame of it. There has only been one attack from Elsa so far, the fight has just begun, so of course only Cheveyo's blood will have been spilled.
:: his whole charging thing was starting to get a little old and you would think after the first two failed attempts the wench would realize it was time to try something a little different. Good, finally in the last post I'm really starting to get some connection with Cheveyo. Take note of what you did here and try to use that starting from post 1.


Prose [0]
:: Switching tenses- I noticed one or two instances of switching from past to present tense. Make sure to reread and be consistent.
:: ...longing for the sound of breaking bones, or even just the cottony feeling that having a few flight feathers stuck between her teeth; Missing some words at the end here.
:: ...especially not to someone she had absolutely no idea who the crazy girl was. This is just another one of those 'what?' moments where I really think you could have benefited from going back to reread your post, maybe even out loud. There were a lot of these moments for me.
:: There were many, many instances where I think you could have benefited from the use of more commas, less semicolons or more periods. Make sure to slow down and read- even read out loud if you need to. Remember that commas generally mean pause, semicolons connect two ideas that are related but that should be separate sentences and periods should be used as full stops to break up ideas.


Readability [0]
:: Run on sentences and sentence fragments really affected my ability to read what you were writing, especially during the actual battle moments. When Cheveyo was just thinking you seemed to slow down and provide a little more clarity, but when the actual battle was occurring things got hectic and chaotic.
:: A pace or two later the taller mare's wings slapped against the air and her limbs lifted off the ground, rearing up the painted warrior struck out viciously with her forelimbs in an attempt to hit the mare's legs or chest once more. This was just incredibly confusing to me. I actually thought that you were writing about Elsa rearing up at first and I had to go back and re-read your post several times to even find where you attacked. In a battle with two horses of the same Gender, try to use names to clarify. Saying 'her' is really ambiguous and leaves a lot up for interpretation.


:: -1 point per post that was edited after the battle was finished (4 total).
Finally tally: 25+3.5-4= 24.5HP

:: First and foremost, never go back and edit your posts after they're up- and especially not after the battle is over- no matter what the reason. You would have won the fight if you hadn't gone back for edits. Overall, everything about your posts screamed that you were rushed. You have a good sense for battle and what Cheveyo was doing generally made sense to me, but the writing was really sloppy. Even if you're excited about a battle, you really need to go back, slow down, re-read, read out loud if you need to, and make sure that what was written makes sense. There were enough moments of clarity that your scores didn't dip into the negatives, but you still lost a lot of points in the writing section. I also would have enjoyed some more emotion from Cheveyo- I got hardly nothing until the last post. You always had more words left- make sure to use all 800 to your advantage.

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0.5VP awarded to each.
Additional comment: The admin team does thank you for changing your posts from all caps to normal text, however you should always alert official before making edits. Official account can go in and change things.