HELLA
Realism [-3.5]
Her front hocks lifted higher... Hocks only refer to a joint on the rear leg. The joint I think you're referring to on the front leg is known as the knee. And later, you write She nipped at the back knee. This is the hock joint, there is no knee on the rear limb. There are anatomy charts in the guide book for your use, I would recommend taking a look at them.
Her body flew past the mare, but she tilted to the side, hoping to throw the mare off complete balance. Powerplay- you can't dictate what your opponent is doing.
:: I really didn't see any indication of the damage Hella took after Moniz's first attack. You indicated that the attack hit, but there was no mention of any pain or injury. I know the dice roll was low, but you still need to indicate what damage was taken. I also think it was a little unrealistic that a simple bite from Moniz would have made the much larger Hella struggle for balance.
:: I really think there are way too many attacks going on in the first post. You bite at Moniz, run away, come back to bite her, run away, and then come back to bite her again. You've got to keep in mind that Moniz needs to respond to all of this. I think some of those words spent attacking could have been better put to use on emotion, which was really lacking in the first post.
...as she galloped to Moniz in an acceleration of speed that was unbelievable for a Spanish draft such as her. If it's unbelievable then don't do it- Hella's speed is pretty slow, a 4, so she really shouldn't be able to run very fast.
The pony now reached out trying to grab ahold Hellä. No she didn't. Moniz kicked twice, no biting.
Moniz’s hooves were barely touching Earth, meaning that she was limping. The vibrations of what did touch ground level, traveled into the dapple’s veins in her steady legs. Using vibrations to gain this knowledge is shaky at best- especially with all the snow covering the ground.
:: I really would have liked to see more damage taken in the last post, and much more description of what damage was taken.
Her harks pinned down as she took off at a high-speed canter. She twisted throughout the forest... Again, keep in mind your stats. Hella is not this agile, especially not in a forest as thick as the one you described earlier in your post.
She headed straight for the ribs, hoping to slam the dark mare into the birch tree that didn’t stand to far from her. Powerplay, Moniz never mentioned being near a birch tree and she could have moved anyway.


Emotion [-1.5]
:: There were moments where I felt that you were trying to give me emotion, but they were few and far between. For the most part the fight was very dry. Just because Hella is war minded doesn't mean she doesn't feel anything.


Prose [-1]
...looking for the perfect striking position that her teeth to rip the soft flesh away.
...hoping to catch the mare on her back legs to make it where she would no longer be able to run to good. Run well.
:: There were a plethora of mistakes in Attack 2/3 and 3/3 posts, far too many to list individually.


Readability [-1.5]
The dappled soldier had wished for a good battle for days on end now, and today, was when it came. Already I'm seeing lots of sentences like this that aren't necessarily wrong, but that affect readability because of the odd punctuation. Commas often mean pause (or separate a list) so if you don't want me to pause don't put one in!
:: Attack 2/3, paragraph 3- The entirely of this paragraph made little to no sense to me. It was poorly worded, missing words, and the second attack made little to no sense, making it really hard to figure out what was going on.


Finally tally: 26-7.5= 18.5HP

:: The quality of writing during this fight was extremely poor. I strongly urge you to slow down, read your posts (out loud even) and check them for grammar mistakes before posting them. You won, but only because of some lucky dice rolls. You also really need to pay attention to your character's stats- the values aren't arbitrary and it's important that follow the general guideline you've been given. There was at least one instance of powerplay in every post, which is concerning. Never dictate what the other player is doing, where they are standing, etc., unless they explicitly state it in their own post.


MONIZ
Realism [+4]
Moniz struck a sharp gray hoof towards the other mare’s front knee, hoping her smaller stature would allow her to connect with the more delicate structures of the lower limb. This seemed a little awkward to me since Moniz would be chasing after Hella. I was trying to figure out how Moniz could kick and run at the same time.
:: You did a great job translating damage rolled into damage taken.
She abruptly tried to back her ass up against the mare... This wasn't a bad attack, I just wanted slightly more clarification on the movement. I was a little confused about how Moniz went from facing Hella to having her butt facing her.
:: Great job in the last post following HP and having Moniz blackout. The HP was altered after the fight, but I won't hold you accountable for that, since it was missed before.


Emotion [+3]
I am a damn champion. I barely gave her a love bite and already she’s getting ready to faceplant. Champion. It turns out Moniz was too hasty with her eagerness to start throwing confetti and handing out “MONIZ IS #1” party hats. This. Hilarious. Laughed out loud!
beat to shit and I’m still scary enough that this bitch is running and hiding. Pretty badass. Moniz is fantastic. I haven't stopped laughing this entire fight.


Prose [+4]
It was an area that Moniz had thoroughly protected with by a thick layer of fat Extra word.


Readability [+2.5]
:: Almost perfect, I think I had to go back one time to reread something and figure out what was happening.


Finally tally: 3+13.5= 16.5HP

:: I don't have many comments. Your writing is very clear and it's obvious you gave a lot of attention to your writing during this fight. Moniz is hilarious and I was laughing the entire time- she's got a great personality and you did a great job of letting that shine. You had some unlucky dice rolls, but overall I think you have an excellent feel for battle.