CONFUTATIS
Realism [+3]
You’re talented at fighting with a good eye for realistic timing and responses, although I would like to see more emphasis on surroundings and breed differences throughout the fight. You would mention the floor briefly, and did at one point in your fourth post talk about how it cause you to slip some which was great! You did mention Confutatis’ height over Seele in your first post, but you never really utilized it again or their differences in strength and speed. I would like to see more focus on injuries from you because at times you would barely even describe what Seele’s attack had done to you, much less how it affected you, and you never really brought up injuries from previous posts into your next ones, injuries that should have affected you. I think you used your magic and companion very well, but would like more clarity on what exactly is occurring. I really liked your usage of taking damage with it coming from unexpected places like almost stepping on your own companion and taking an additional cut from Seele’s horn because of a way you moved to defend yourself.


Emotion [+1.5]
I could see you attempting to provide emotion, but for the most part it felt like you were telling me what she was feeling, rather than showing me or having me feel it alongside her. You utilize a lot of different font styles that bring attention to certain words or phrases, but I never felt drawn into Confutatis or her plight, which I would have expected in this fight considering her opponent. When she attacks, what is she hoping for, why did she choose that attack? If it hits or if it misses, how does that affect her and her next calculations? If she is struck, what goes on in her mind, does it anger her, motivate her? etc. I want to feel what she feels, not just read something tossed in at the end.


Prose [+3.5]
You have a very elegant writing style that was a pleasure to read, just be cautious that you do not make it too frilly that it detracts from the actual meat of the words.


Readability [+2]
For the most part you were clear, but at times your writing would convolute the meaning or the purpose to your writing. Especially in a fight I’d like if you were more direct and clear with your actions. I found I think 1 typo, otherwise great job with grammar and structure.



Finally tally: 7.5+10 = 17.5 HP


SEELE


Realism [+2]
You do an excellent job with your injury descriptions and are very good at remembering to bring them up again in posts later one, bravo! Be careful though that you do not over-exaggerate the injury, such as the cut on Seele’s haunch from Confutatis’ hooves started to get a bit too bloody and hindering in your second post for the little amount of damage the wound really was. On the other hand I would have liked to see more emphasis on the rotting Seele endured in her third post and more hindrance from the acid wound she sustained in her second post. You should not have taken any damage in your fourth post because Confutatis had a critical miss and did damage to herself - be mindful of the dice results! In regards to attacking and defending, I think at times you assume there is too much time to react, such as Confutatis’ first attacks were very consecutive but you replied to them in your first post like you had a lot of room to respond. You should also consider the power of momentum and the strength of just body weight, for instance in your second post you say Confutatis’ was able to bite onto your hind leg as you were bucking, but the force of your buck would have hugely beat Confutatis’ bite, so that was damage that should not have been taken in that manner. I enjoyed your constant reference to the surroundings, particularly the floor, but I would have liked to see it actually effect you more - you did mention a few things in your first post such as the floor sharpening your hooves, which is not plausible, and the slick surface making it easier to turn on, which would actually do the opposite; without any good traction she would have a hard time pushing off to accomplish a turn. Watch reining horses and how important it is for them that they have good, deep dirt to grip in to do their sharp turns. I think your magical attacks were done really strategically.


Emotion [+1]
I would have liked to see a lot more emotion from Seele. Your second post was the best, but all of them needed less action and more explanation for Seele’s motives, her thoughts, her feelings. I felt like you tossed a few things in last moment and it left me very detached from her. I feel especially in this fight, especially after that opening illusion magic, that Seele would be feeling a lot of interesting things that we could explore together. What does Seele feel when her attack lands or misses? What are her reasons for performing her attack or defense? etc.


Prose [+2.5]
It took me a while to grow accustomed to the voices, but overall you have nice prose and flow. I would caution you against focusing too much on the voices/spirits though, and especially against making them seem too all knowing. At times you’d push the limit a bit with God moding and for the most part I found the voices being used too often and slightly distracting, I would have much preferred to see more of Seele, or some explanation of how the voices are Seele.


Readability [+1.5]
Overall you were clear with your descriptions and easy to understand, but at times I would grow confused due to the voices or some of your actual actions themselves wouldn’t make sense. I’d advise you to slow down and read through your work carefully, even aloud. I saw some typos for pus as “puss” also.



Finally tally: 17.5+7= 24.5 HP