---

ERIS
Realism [+1]
:: I'm not sure Eris' first attack was the most realistic. By the time she would have realized that Elsa was trying to slide into her and that she had missed, Elsa would have likely already been past the range of Eris' head, at least in my mind.
:: “Biting down harder, chaos' mistress pulled back, attempting to rip her ear off.” This was in the second post. You can't go back in time and change what happened because it doesn't give your opponent a chance to respond to it.
:: “Eris whipped her head around to continue watching the grey winged creature's slide,” Her wings are covered up by armor. Not a big deal or anything, just wanted to point out that this is a small continuity consideration.
:: “Eris now stood behind the mouse, her jaws wrenched open ready to attack.” You can't say this, you don't know if Elsa has moved or not. You can try to stand behind her.
:: “The Legatus of The Falls growled a low, savaged and exhausted sound.” Just another small continuity thing. Eris wasn't Legatus when the battle started.
:: “Now The Blood Empress faced Elsa's left hand side.” You still can't say with certainty where you are.
:: Overall, I think you did a great job translating the dice rolls into damage and then following through with this injuries!


Emotion [+2.5]
:: Excellent job setting up Eris' emotion right from the beginning. I was really feeling her frustration with Elsa and her general air of superiority right from the beginning.
:: You do a really great job maintaining her emotions throughout the fight, especially of her mounting frustration with her missed attack.
:: Really great job with this part of the rubric, I like what you did here. Keep it up!


Prose [+2]
:: “Eris would take it in her stride, other would whine about it.”
:: “Eris waned to pull the hair out from her tail,”
:: “The Empress prepared herself of attack.”
:: “hoping and praying that the little mouse before her would escape this attack.” I don't think Eris wants Elsa to escape an attack.


Readability [+2]
:: The way Eris' first attack on Elsa was wondered was a little awkward. I had to read a couple times, since your writing seemed to skip forward and backward through the timeline.
:: For the most part, everything was incredibly clear and I didn't have to go back and reread.

Finally tally: 53+7.5= 60.5HP


ELSA
Realism [+3]
:: Having figured out what Elsa's first attack was, I think it was sort of an awkward attack to make, especially in the snow. Horses don't slide very far under the best of conditions. In knee high snow I think she's probably just plow into the snow rather than be able to slam into Eris. (Ah, I see you read my mind in post two!)
:: “In a psychotic, laughing rage Elsa reared up near Gingers front left side,” Careful to say you're trying to rear up near her side, not that you are! This puts your opponent in a tight bind, where they almost feel forced not to move.
:: In general, I think you did a good job translating dice roll to damage. I would have liked a little more descrription of the injury in your last post, but I think you did quite well.


Emotion [+1.5]
:: I like how you set up Elsa's emotions right from the first post, letting me know her mood and making me laugh!
:: I'm still laughing in the second post, but now Elsa seems a little all over the place. Why is she in a psychotic laughing fit? It's ok to say this, it just seemed to come a little out of nowhere. Just make sure to explain well if your character is going to go through a big emotional change like this!
:: “Elsa would never say that though, she would never let her enemy know that she had respect for her.” I don't mind Elsa's emotions growing and changing through the battle, but try to make sure there is some continuity. At the beginning of the spar, you said that Elsa would like to make a new friend, even if they did battle.


Prose [+1]
:: “Not in any stretch of the mind was in comfortable.”
:: There are a variety of small mistakes littered throughout your second post. You seemed just a little rushed in this one. Be sure to take your time, slow down and reread to make sure everything is written how you want it!
:: “A grain plastered itself upon gingersnaps face,”
:: “Here, she would not bulk,” Should be balk.
:: Your writing is quite good, but there are a lot of grammatical errors (particularly with apostrophes) littered throughout your posts. Just be sure to double check!


Readability [+2]
:: I read Elsa's first attack three or four times and I still only kind of think I understand what she's doing. Make sure that your attacks are always clear to the reader, not just in your own mind!
:: Other than that first mishap, everything was really clear and easy to read. Thank you!

Finally tally: 57.5+7.5= 65HP