I don't think I've ever felt so ashamed of myself, Momma. I tried so hard to hurt Daddy with my words and I wish that I could say that I didn't mean everything I said. I wish I could blame it on whatever disease had taken hold of my mind and body, but I don't think that I can, just like I can't put the full blame on the darkness for what I had said to Roskuld. Part of me does blame Daddy for you and him not being together anymore because he didn't want to live with us when you were the Chieftess. Then it became obvious that he wouldn't when he became Sultan. Part of me blames you, too, Momma. You're both so stubborn its infuriating. Anyways, I had never intended to tell Daddy the things I had told him when I wasn't myself. But I did. I even attacked him physically. I haven't looked at him or visited him since he helped to heal me. I'm afraid that he's angry with me, or hurt, or just doesn't want to see me. I haven't been to see Ros, either for the same reasons. I don't want to be rejected by either of them so its just easier to avoid them.

I've actually avoided everyone since the darkness left and the light came back. It guess I really am a coward because I'd rather be alone than have to face anyone I wronged when I was sick. Its so much easier to just be alone and wallow in self hatred than to try to apologize, be rejected, then wallow in more self hatred and pity. You probably think I'm jumping to conclusions, Momma, but you didn't hear what I said to them.

My wandering's brought me to the Heavenly Field and for the first time since I fled the sanctuary I'm not alone. There's another here in the field with me and unfortunately I do recognize him from a time when Ros and I were together. Before I was so ugly to her and she attacked me with lightning. Just thinking about it makes my scarred shoulder twitched and I wince at how I imagine it would hurt. I guess that was the only good thing about being infected. I didn't feel it when she attacked me. I only wanted to kill her. I watched him for a few minutes while he picked flowers and when I felt that he was oblivious to my presence I let myself graze on the yellowing grass.

I wish you were here with me, Momma instead of being wherever you are and doing whatever you're doing, but at the same time I know you wouldn't give me the comfort I want.

@[Dragomir]

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