He says it doesn't change what he sees. He says it doesn't change the truth. But hiding does change things. Hiding is what has broken me. Hiding away from the world from fear had broken me. Then, when I'd returned far more numb than before I'd learned how to hide all the feelings. It had been a safeguard. I still felt - I was still motherly towards those who were young, but I'd learned to refuse to show those who were hurting me that I was in pain. But it was this wall that had taken the abuse that had started to break me down. Without my companion here as the intermediate to remind me not to pay attention to the pain (whether it be emotional or physical) it was easier for my wall to be broken down.

Only two tears manage to fall before I force the rest of them to stop, choking on them instead of allowing them to flow freely. I will be strong, I had to keep reminding myself of that because I had been failing as of these past few seasons. Broken more than ever with the knowledge of the death of my companion actually upon my mind.

His maw is against my neck, a steadying source for my mind to concentrate upon as I pushed out all the memories that had been starting to flood in. Those of being kicked when pinned against the wall with no escape. Those of the tree falling on my back and the stag near me being slow to remove it in order to torture me more. The near drownings when they didn't want to warn me I was too close as I struggled for my surroundings when near a waterfall or in a storm. I had to push them all away. I had to be present, for Alleo if nothing else.

When my mind fully returns I realize that I had missed part of what he had been saying -only catching "you can strive for a better future," and then feeling his muzzle pressing up against my neck again and the warmth of his sigh against my skin. I don't know how... not anymore... I think to myself - harks becoming intent as I hear his voice again.

A nod of my head in response - ,yes - though he hadn't waited for it. He wanted me to be happy - so that those who had hurt me didn't win. But I didn't know how. I didn't know what 'happy' was anymore. On occasion I thought I was, but it was always a fleeting feeling. I'd tried so many times - I had.However, I'd never felt like I belonged anywhere - at least not until he had come along, and even then it was only when I was right beside him. I'd always felt like I had to be strong, pretend like I was okay, and compartmentalize all that had happened to me. I didn't know how else to live, how else to go on.

There is a weak sniffle, breath shaky as I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. I don't know how anymore... Pleading eyes peer up towards his, I don't know how to be happy...

Rasta

you're my downfall, you're my muse, my worst distraction, my rhythm and
blues - i can't stop singing, it's ringing in my head for you