the Rift


{|| Sound the War Drums ||} OOC Spar w/ Gaucho
Ascended Helovian

Gaucho The Wildfire Posts: 1,004
Deceased atk: 8.5 | def: 11.5 | dam: 8
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 17.2 :: 12 HP: 85 | Buff: PINNACLE
Mara :: Black Mamba Snake :: Paralyze & Vorsa :: Plain Zephyr :: Phoenix Odd
#8


.....





GAUCHO

I'M THE END OF A HITCHCOCK MOVIE
A LITTLE DARK AND A LOT CONFUSING.



For a moment the world is dark and cold and still. As Bellona's earthen-toned hooves sent Gaucho's blocky skull under the waters surface, a slight ringing began to chime in his ears at precisely the same moment as his head was submerged. The result was disorienting and confusing - the throbbing he felt from both his head and shoulders - had that caused the cold? Had it caused the ringing? Why was the air moving - why did the air feel so thick - why was it -

drowning

Gaucho's head thrust from the waters surface as a racking cough parted his dark lips. Water laced with his spit drooled out of his mouth, as another whooping cough racked his lungs. In his confusion, Gaucho had partially inhaled. This had prompted a primal response deep within his brain which had caused his head to rise, but had also caused that pinching-painful-cold feeling in his nose, which often accompanies inhaling water. To add to the spittle already dribbling down his lips, a red gob - compliments of Bellona - struck him squarely between the eyes. As it slowly crawled down his nose, it gave the dark hair there a devilish reddish sheen.

Gaucho's long eyelashes fluttered as he shook his blocky skull - trying to rid the last remnants of his canon-ball from his eyes. Although his dark ears swung forward with the sound of Bellona's body leaving the water, his gaze was still too blurry to make out her brilliant form adequately. As her hooves collided with his shoulders, Gaucho ears pinned backward. Acting purely on instinct, he tried to force his body forward, into her thrashing striped legs. She had been burned, and now perhaps she would be skewered as well. Perhaps part of her beautiful coat could be a permanent fixture on his bone-spiked collar. He would happily take bruises to his shoulders if it would yield more blood from those pretty legs. Kin or not, Gaucho's bloodlust was limitless.

Gaucho felt the all-too familiar pinch as her hooves found the muscular bulges of his shoulders. The feeling felt high-pitched, and Gaucho felt a whine building up in the back of his throat. Simultaneously, he felt a pull, as the weight of her attack began to settle in his muscles. Gaucho grunted loudly, as a painful smile broadly parted his lips. "Sek inavva!" He breathed huskily, the pleasure in his voice a mixture of bloodlust and desire. "Alikh!"

Finally he would see what she was made out of.

As her glistening wings rose, Gaucho had some idea of what it was she perhaps intended to do. For a moment, he played with the idea of fire once again ... but the idea quickly dissipated. He had no interested in further charbroiling the would-be bird. Too much of this dance had been a game of cat and mouse. He would let her closer once again; see what else she was capable of. Sending a mental command to Mara, the snake (rather grudgingly), slipped down his wither and, with her tail, pressed the button on his collar which retracted the spikes around his neck.

Gaucho rumbled a sound of painful annoyance as her wings tried to unsteady him - his shoulders and neck were already tender to the touch, and her constant berating caused bolts of pain to radiate across his muscles. Even in the water however, it would take much more to usurp his balance than her flashy display and slapping. As her more narrow bodice moved towards him, Gaucho extended his waterlogged wings, greedily seeking to rise above her feathered-appendages, and wrap around her neck. If she wanted to be close, he would be more than accommodating. He tried to force her closer - by pulling in with his wings (should his attempt at grabbing her have been successful), and once again trying to step towards her.

Pain thrummed through his chest and shoulder as Bellona's embrace finally made contact. For a moment Gaucho was lost in the burnt but succulent smell wafting from the female - and from his heightened vantage point he cast an approving and appreciative glance down her lean and dazzling spine - but only for a moment. The pleasureful spark in his stormy gaze almost immediately disappeared, as his ears pinned against his skull, and his teeth aimed for her wither.

Mara had moved backward to Gaucho's considerable rump, her black eyes flashing dangerously as she swayed her steel colored body and hissed furiously - all the while seeming to sound delighted. Her mouth widened and poison began to well along her needle-sharp teeth. Should Bellona try to bite Gaucho, as he was trying to bite her, Mara would happily show her the error of her ways.

""



WC:793
Attack: 4/4

inavva -- sister.
alikh -- more.
sek -- yes.


Teaching Notes

I mentioned in my first post that a good idea would be to take a look at Gaucho's items/magic, so that you knew what you were dealing with. Through the spar, I worry that you didn't really take into account the spiked collar that he wears around his shoulders. The spikes are 2 inches of sharpened bone, and there were a few times when Bellona would kick out at Gaucho, but you never described her as being mindful of the spikes, or having taken damage from them. This post however, seemed very unrealistic to me in that regard, which is why I'm specifically mentioning it. In this post, she thrashes with her front legs at his shoulders - this is almost surely to result in her injuring her hooves or forelegs. Importantly though, by trying to 'ram her heart into his' she's basically impaling herself. I wrote Mara as retracted the spikes to avoid this consequence, but if I hadn't, it could have had really awkward implications. Imagine that I didn't. Bellona, realistically, would have really badly cut her entire chest or possibly neck (since she is shorter). But imagine further, if you had rolled say...I don't know, a 7 for damage. How would you write her realistically being hit by the spikes, but only taking minor damage? It would be tricky.

I really like her shift in motivation, from OMG FAMILY?! To BLEED MOTHERFUCKER. It was very realistic and well written. It makes me wish this was IC so they could remember this Q____Q

This was an incredibly well-written, thoughtful, and awesome spar - especially given your experience level! Honestly, I think the only area that you can work on, is going to be realism. Your prose and readability was spot-on, and your emotion was good (I mentioned above a few ways to improve, but those are relatively minor, all things considered). In terms of realism, some things to consider are going to be Bellona's speed/movement given her sustained injuries - right now, she was at less than 50% of her original health and I think you wrote that well in this post (she didn't do any flying leaps or crazy attacks, and you consistently mentioned her previous burns), but it's always something to be mindful of. Taking into account what items/magic/companions your opponent has will be useful too.

My only other further suggestion, might be to spend a little more time on the individual attacks themselves. This post felt a little thin to me personally - but I understand that the wordcount is often to blame for that.

All and all, it was a pleasure sparring with you!

Oh! And Gaucho speaks Dothraki, however part of that language is comprised of Swahili. Given the imaginary globe of Helovia, I took for granted that a landmass like Mexico (which is where I believe her language comes from?), and Africa might have, long long ago, been connected roughly be a land bridge, or even a grouping of Islands. ^^ So I don't think they could full communicate, but I'm sure some words ought to be similar enough.



TAG: Bellona | # 793 | Notes OOC Spar with Teaching Notes.

FOXX

Please tag me in every post! Magic/Force is allowed on Gaucho at any time.



Messages In This Thread
RE: {|| Sound the War Drums ||} OOC Spar w/ Gaucho - by Gaucho - 07-28-2014, 04:01 PM

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