OXY
Realism [+3.5]
You did a really stellar job with realism all throughout your posts. Each of your attacks and defenses was beautifully described and carried out with respect to timing, positioning, and sensibility. I enjoyed the strategy with the companion as a distraction. You did great with taking injuries and accurately describing them, and I particularly liked how you took recoil damage from the shoulder ram.

Your score was brought down in your closing defense because you didn’t respond to Fraub’s horn attack, which may have just been general confusion. You noted that the horn was pointed at Oxy, but Fraub clearly stated doing a sort of blind stabbing which you didn’t touch on. I also wanted to see more references to their different breeds and sizes, especially considering how different they were; you mentioned it a bit in your second post but that was really it. Otherwise you really utilized the terrain to your advantage, or disadvantage in the case of the sun in your eyes. And nice response to Oxy’s miss and reconfiguring how to place his body. Excellent job!


Emotion [+2.5]
I really felt Oxy all throughout each and every post and laughed a couple times at his increasing frustration of trying to play nice. You have a unique companion bond which is always fun to read and of course the loveable oaf that is Oxy.


Prose [+4]
It was a pleasure to read your posts because there is always excellent flow and transition and you give Oxy a definitive style that is noticeable, but not distracting.


Readability [+2.5]
I never struggled with your posts and from what I could tell you had no typos or grammatical errors. The only thing that brought this score down was in your first post there wasn’t a lot of description about what and where your companion was, although you were talking about her. Having read Oxy before I already knew her a bit, but for an opponent, that may have been confusing. Otherwise fantastic job!


Finally tally: 56+12.5= 68.5 HP


FRAUB
Realism [-3]
Overall your score suffered the most from lack of description. For instance in your first post you say “that hurt”, which tells me nothing about the injury - not how it really feels, not what damage is done, not where the damage is done, and not how it will affect Fraub during the fight (can he brush it off? will it slow him down, will he limp, will he choose to do a different attack than usual because it hurts in that area?). Similarly your defense in the first post, “shifted his feet around”, doesn’t explain to me how Fraub actually dodges or moves out of the way. How does he shift his feet around and why and how does that help him to better evade the oncoming attack? Then your response lacks description, because you say Fraub kicks out, and you mention so little of the kick that it seems like a second-though, effortless, but you’re aiming at Oxy’s barrel, which with his height is going to be quite a bit high and require a good deal fo effort from Fraub. Overall I felt that the first post did not have a realistic response to the damage dealt via the dice or based on what Oxy had written, and especially not based on oxy’s size compared to Fraub.

You did improve over time with the description, for instance you better describe an injury in your second post, but then you take damage when your opponent’s attack was a miss. You also try and horn a rearing horse which is not realistic. A rearing horse is not usually very balanced, so to try and go forward, into that rear, which there are hooves flailing around making that pretty difficult on its own, will only unbalance the rearing horse and cause them to fall on you, making the damage even worse than it would normally be, so there’s no good outcome to that, least of all when an attack was supposed to have miss. I like your attempt at taking damage from the scenery and unbalancing yourself, I actually really enjoyed it, but it was out of place based on the outcome of the dice.

In your final post I was a little bit confused throughout. I’m not entirely sure how Oxy missed Fraub with his horns. If you wanted it to be because Fraub was on the ground, possibly helped from the light in Oxy’s eyes, then describe that, say that, so that I know, because otherwise the fact that Oxy missed was not very realistic. I was also not sure where Fraub suddenly got a painful and bleeding shoulder, nor how Fraub was attacking Oxy with his back feet and his horn on the front of his head at the same time. You had a great response to the blood magic though! I think you could have expanded on it further though, because that’s a pretty serious ability.

Overall I want you to focus on describing and detailing your attacks, defenses, and injuries to create more realism for them. There’s a lot going on in a fight and you were just on the edge each time of doing great, so I know you can get there with some practice and time.


Emotion [+0.5]
You had some sprinkles of emotion here and there in your posts, and I saw it steadily improving, but it was never enough to really draw me in, which is a shame because it seems like Fraub has a lot of character that would make him a pretty amusing read, especially during a fight. I never felt like I understood Fraub’s motivations for participating in the fight, selecting the attacks and defenses that he did, how he felt about his injuries and his misses, or how he really felt about such a terrifying magic. Since you had the word count left, definitely add some emotional ranges all throughout your post to really capture the reader - I want to be Fraub when I’m reading his fights.


Prose [+0.5]
I think you have the potential for some very nice writing and style to this character, but at the moment it felt very choppy and scattered in a lot of places. I’d encourage you to really work on adding flow and direction to your posts, so that as different events and moods occur you can fluidly move between them rather than jumping from one thing to the next.


Readability [+1]
You actually were very good at explaining the directions the two characters were facing, or on, which helped me keep track of them during the fight. However at times I wasn’t always sure who you were referencing because you’d just use a general “him”, which when there’s two males, can cause me to re-read to ensure “him” means Fraub or Oxy. Don’t be afraid to use names! For the most part I didn’t notice typos, but there was some weird sentences so just re-read before you post to catch any fragments or run-ons and adhere to correct grammar to clean it up and you’ll be all set.


Finally tally: 40-1= 39 HP