!! I've Been Lost [Alleo]

the Rift

[PRIVATE] !! I've Been Lost [Alleo]

Rasta Posts: 305

Hidden Account atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3

Mare :: Equine :: 14.1hh :: six (ages in Tallsun) HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE

Ettore :: Red-Tailed Hawk :: None Abba

06-17-2014, 09:37 PM

RASTA

hey sister, do you still believe in love, i wonder?

All of the questions. I should have known that there would have been so many. After all, we had been together for almost three seasons and I hadn't been able to say one word during that time. He asked if I was sure about needing him, needing someone and I nodded my head. A gulp as I pause, I will explain that once I've finished answering the rest of his questions. And, the questions about being shunned I also told myself I would answer at the end.

He answered her question, saying he knew he cared when I'd rolled him into the water and then loved me with the clip. There was a pause before he finally asked why I had done that. But... what exactly was that? I supposed that I would just answer both parts, the shoving him into the water and why I had rejected the clip. But, first the other couple of questions.

"I'm positive..." A small break, as I shift my weight and listen to his gentle heartbeat. "It's that need that's gotten me stuck in the horrible situations I've been in... I've tried to be strong, independent. But... It never fails that I end up needing someone... and I've always wound up with the wrong someone... The ones who used me because I was to weak and I knew I'd need their help again. Use me until I was too afraid to leave them. And.. as far as the shunning. I felt as though, if I came back mute, that they would push me away, they wouldn't understand. I already felt outcasted as I was the only non-winged creature in that herd, I just didn't want to be used again - to not have the ability to say no..." Would he understand? Could he understand? It was a lot to ask, so much to ask.

"As far as why I did that, since I'm not sure which I will explain both." My chest tightened, my heart started racing. "Pushing you into the water... The waterfall...it sounded too much like thunder. Thunder and rain, and... It was all too much at the time..." my voice breaks and I pull my head away, in order to look out at the water, to look away. "But, the scars on my back... they're faded now I think... he trapped me under a tree that fell with the lighting striking it... I-He-My back almost broke. I was pregnant with his child... his child he forced me into having... my back couldn't - it doesn't matter..." I stopped, eyes squeezed shut, as if they could force the images out of my skull. "He left me right after a miscarriage... It was too much in the memories... I just... I couldn't escape them. I thought you were him... I wanted him dead... I'm sorry. I really am..."

I couldn't continue on right away. I was trying to force the tears down, but it was obvious that I was holding my breath in order to accomplish this. My back was twitching where my scars were and I couldn't bare to look towards him, after admitting the reason I had tried to drown him. Deep breaths in and I'm quiet for a minute or so until I can speak without my voice wavering. Even though I know the next one will make me choke up as well.

"With the clip... I-I'm not worth getting nice things for... All the gifts have come with being hit, kicked, bit, broken. I... I don't deserve the extra ornamentation. If anything, it made me more of a target. I attracted more attention and everyone of them who'd fooled me into believing they loved me... they despised that fact and I would get beat for it." I can't hold back the tears, they're finally falling. However I'm trying to stop it. I'm squeezing my orbs shut, I'm forcing myself to stop speaking.

Deep breaths, tons of deep breaths. And I apologize again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." a break in my voice, "I've lived my life for hundreds, thousands of years as worthless... and I've accepted it by this point..." A few more deep breaths and I finally allow my eyes to search for his gaze that I will not see again. "Continue with the questions. I'll answer them, even if it's slow..."

Weaker movements press me up even closer to him - needing his strength to continue, but not wanting to leave him in the dark any longer. Anything else he wanted to know I would do my best to explain to him...