Harlots and drunkards [Cirrus, Rosti teaching spar]

the Rift

[JUDGED] Harlots and drunkards [Cirrus, Rosti teaching spar]

Cirrus Posts: 233

Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6

Mare :: Pegasus :: 15.1 :: 8 HP: 69 | Buff: SWIFT

Whit

06-23-2014, 04:46 AM (This post was last modified: 02-21-2015, 09:35 PM by Sevin.)

Into this world we're thrown

My ears are down low, pressed against my damp nape, entangled amongst the thick, unyielding ropes of dreadlocked mane. The action helps me block out my surrounds, it allows me to focus solely on him. The stallion, the draft mutt that I had so easily manipulated, becomes the centre of my world, everything else just becomes a blur of background noise. We stand roughly facing each other, a few paces between us, and as my question's echo fades into nothingness, I feel the nerve endings of my body stand on end, awaiting a response.

I had gotten a sick satisfaction before when I had seduced this stallion into thinking he could have his way with me. It is with even further satisfaction that I watch as his muscles tense, as the weight of whatever thoughts are on his mind condense, as his teeth grind and eventually flash at me. A smirk that contains no laughter behind it pulls at one corner of my mouth, as I relish in my ability to get exactly what I want from this steed.

Electric eyes watch the hellhound retreat, and I am pulled from my analysis of the steed for a moment as a low growl is sent my way. I don't know what I expected, truly, but as she leaves, I am reminded of you, your death, the feeling of my soul being ripped from my core as your own departed this dimension. I want her to stop leaving, to make her turn and come back, to make her stand by my side. I yearn to feel her soul, to revel in the sensation of another's inner workings becoming entwined with my own. I watch as she leaves, ignorant to the stained teeth and reeking breath being tossed in my direction - which I was foolish to miss, I'll admit. I even lift my ears slightly, my tiara lowered, my right foreleg raised as if to follow the pup - which is when he hits me.

'He' being Rosticlav, the bulky, surprisingly strong and co-ordinated stallion I had successfully enraged enough to battle. Shock was my initial reaction, as his hardened muzzle grazes up my left mandible, leaving behind a string of ragged flesh in its wake, a haphazard line that follows a path starting at the base and leading up to my brow. Suddenly I am blinded in my left eye, as metallic, coppery life-liquid drips from my brow and clogs around my eyelashes. My head tilts automatically downwards, the ache causing me to grind my teeth and shut my eyes. But he hasn't stopped, and I suddenly my left ear feels like it is on fire too.

I won't be getting distracted again in a hurry.

It is strange, uniquely thrilling and horrific, having your ear be almost swallowed by a stinking, deplorable drunk. Rosticlav seems to think he is some kind of crocodilian creature now, as his neck tenses and pulls rapidly to and fro, I feel like my ear is about to depart on a one-way trip away from my skull. By some miracle, however, it sticks. My skin splits at the base of my ear, and I feel that odd, disturbing sensation of blood dribbling out once more, probably painting a charming crimson path down the ridge of my nose.

The rain seems to only be getting more determined to hang around, and that helps me in this instance. It has given my skin less traction against would-be attacker's teeth, and I feel my freshly spilled blood combine with my already damp ear, and the stallion's saliva (what a disgusting thought), and eventually slip off mid-shake. I stumble away, my haunches bunching to gather my hooves beneath me, but the rain has also made the ground that dangerous, slippery and muddy texture, and I find myself unwillingly sliding as I attempt to pull away from this steed. I blink, rapidly, moving to shake my head before getting halfway through the motion and deciding against it - fuck that hurts. But, I would not be hurt any more, I resolved. I keep trying to turn away, spinning on my haunches, towards my right. My left wing is open, and with any luck, the hard edge of would bash the drunkard over his head on its way past. And if not, I pause dizzily in my spinning (having turned almost 180 degrees), and throw all my weight forward.

Traction is loose beneath my forefeet as I lift my hind legs and strike out, hoping the stallion is still within range, praying that I feel the shuddering halt of my motion clashing against his bulky form.

Tag: @[Rosticlav]
WordCount: 775 (according to MS Word)
Attack: 1/3
Will post my OOC tips in a new table below C:

C I R R U S
RIDERS ON THE_ S T O R M
bronzehalo.deviantart.com

Whit's Teaching Tips of Doom

Okay! First off, I want to say, I love this post! I can clearly see where you took my advice from the PM I sent you originally. You effectively incorporated the environment, your opponent, your companion nicely!

All right, so, I'll go through this one paragraph at a time, so that I don't miss anything :)

#1 - I LOVE the analogy of the rain being Cirrus' tears. This imagery made me smile a big huge dumb smile, lol. I also love Rosti's mention of his arousal, and how it disappears pretty quick when faced with cranky Cirrus xD. Not much to mention on this para, it is a lovely opening, giving us an insight into how Rosti is feeling and how his temper builds towards attacking Cirrus.

#2 - Be careful when describing the rain getting harder, as at this stage the weather is mostly defined by our previous thread, where it was just picking up be a steady rainfall. Rosti is a little bit at the mercy of Cirrus' magic, he can only really go with it and describe what she has decided to allow happen.
I love his interaction with his companion, it's really lovely <3 Perfect IC excuse not to use companions in this spar, too ^^

#3 - Again, be careful when describing the weather, but I really do like the picture you have painted here. The Kodak moment comment made me laugh, and really I just how throughout your post so far I can really feel Rosti present. Great stuff.

#4 - Okay, now we're at the business end of the post. Attacks! So, he lunges forward for her, trying to bite at whatever Cirrus has exposed - great description, containing no powerplaying at all, I love it.
The only thing about this whole paragraph that gets me is the order you mention your attacks in. Now, Cirrus rolled a critical hit, so I had her take on damage from everything you mentioned Rosti was attacking with, both his dragon-horns and his bite. I interpretted your attack to mean that as he lunged forward he tried to rub his horns along her as he then reached with his teeth. But in your post, you mention his teeth first, so I'm thinking, okay, he's about to bite! But then you throw in a sentence about his horns, and I'm like, but what happened to his teeth?! But then his teeth come back and we're all good again. So, in my revision of this post, I would have gone back and maybe switched sentences around a little bit, to have it so that he CLEARLY tries to stab with his horns first, then bite with his teeth. So it would read something more like:

"...I lunge forward, playing no games, putting on no fronts as I move toward her in my first attack. I stay on the ground, protecting my rotund belly, and my hooves slide on the softening ground. I will have to be careful in my steps. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll stab her with the dragon-like spikes that decorate the center of my face. As I approach the spot where she most recently was, I think to myself that it's like trying to destroy or poke holes in clouds. What a strange notion. My teeth are bared, reeking of the vodka that I drink throughout most of the day, and I seek any part of her face or throat that she leaves exposed to me. If I manage to tear off any hair, skin - anything, really - it's her own damn fault.

I clamp my jaws down on whatever I can reach, whether it be flesh, bone, or air. I shake my head vigorously, blinking furiously to keep the rain out of my eyes…" etc etc.

Just a subtle shuffling of words that will help with the flow and continuity of your post.
Also, I do love his imagery of poking clouds xD Haha.

#5 - A great closing para, you remind us again of his reason for fighting (angry Rosti rawr!) Not much to mention for this one specifically, it's a nice well-rounded conclusion to your opening spar post.

OVERALL you did fantastic. Something to keep your mind on for your future replies are to remember to mention Cirrus a bit more physically - you humorously compare her to clouds and draw on lovely analogies, but we ARE in a spar, remember, Rosti will also be looking at her, how she moves, her WINGS, and her position compared to him. Also mention that Rosti himself is a big heavy steed, capable of defeating Cirrus just by sitting on her (if he could catch her! Lol)! Has Rosti ever fought before, and does that fight compare to this one? Has Rosti ever had the worry of a companion/loved one humming at the back of his mind constantly, potentially distracting him from what he's doing? Has he ever fought a pegasus before, or just other unicorns/equines? You've already mentioned the wet weather and how he'll have to be careful in the future - make sure you follow through with this, and keep him true to his initial convictions.

Okay, I think I've done enough rambling for now, carry on! :D

bg - table

as changing as unforgiving as the wind, as bitter and chilling as the cold, as warm and deadly as the heat

_{_{I enjoy being tagged.}}

please do not feel pressured into mirroring the length of any of my posts
I write what I feel at the time
and hope everyone else does the same c:

Find