BELLONA
Realism [+0.5]
:: the maiden has subconsciously placed herself directly in front of her adversary, and roughly five strides from where he waits. Use caution with statements like this, he could have easily moved since when she landed, changing their relative positions.
:: My only comment about your first attack is that I would have liked to see more consideration of where her wings would be, as she is in close range she might be concerned about they getting hit or what they are hitting.
:: She rises high enough above Ciceron so that her long legs dangle at the same height as his head, and she is careful to avoid impaling herself as she guides her body closer. Again, just use caution. You're not out-right stating what he is doing, but you're not... not stating what he is doing either.
:: She forces the strong members down and pushes off from the shore with her limber legs, stirring more sand as she takes flight. As very large creatures, I tend to think of a pegasus taking flight from a standstill as a very difficult to near-impossible task.
:: It is stupid of him to lie there in wait, and the unforgiving woman is determined to teach him a lesson. She dives for the resting gray with her feet outstretched, aiming to slam her chocolate hooves against his ashen barrel before using him to push off again. ICly, this action makes sense, but by adding this action in you are basically forcing Ciceron to go back in time in his next post to re-write what has already happened. Be careful to consider how far back in time you take your counterattacks.
:: She turns her body in a graceful dive to the right, ensuring that she is facing the stag. Same warning as before.
:: In your closing defense, even though Ciceron got a critical miss, you still need to mention his attack. I didn't see any clear mention of his attack; I took your mention of her being a few feet away as an explanation for his miss, but sometimes it is better just to clearly write those things out.


Emotion [+2]
:: Loved the imagery and introduction to Bellona's mind right from the very start, which you continued you through all of your posts. Excellent!
:: I laughed out loud at her indignation about the crab!


Prose [3]
:: Your writing was beautiful and free of any mistakes that I could see. My only comment is to remember that it is ok to use common anatomical terms- wings, hooves, etc.- instead of “wolfspeak” type words.


Readability [+2.5]
:: Regarding the use of 'members' as reference to her wings, it took me a bit the first time I read it to understand exactly what part of her body you were talking about, as I've never read that particular usage before.


Finally tally: 39.5+(8x2)= 55.5HP


CICERON
Realism [0]
:: Given Ciceron's choice of counterattack in your first post, I would have liked some mention of how he managed to avoid damage as the dice rolls had indicated none. It seems likely something would have hit with Bellona rearing up and Ciceron jumping sideways towards her hooves. That is, if he was jumping towards her hooves. You said he jumped sideways, and that confused me because I was not sure which direction you meant. I could have made arguments for either left or right to make sense.
:: I'd also have preferred note of Ciceron's thoughts about Bellona's wings. With him turning his head to try and spear her underbelly with his horn, her wings would almost definitely be beating him in the head at that point.
:: I think you took slightly too much damage in your second post. Although the roll was a 5, having Ciceron lying sideways on the ground nearly blacked out seems more like a 6/Critical Hit type of damage. Remember that if Bellona subsequently rolls a 6, you need to be able to take more damage than you did with the 5.
:: It takes mere seconds to spot her hovering frame a little ways off from where he stood Bellona never stated if she was going to remain in the air after her attack, you can't decide this for her.
:: Creative use of the scenery with grabbing the rock to throw at Bellona.
:: Bunching his muscles he surged faster alongside the mare before giving one leap forward to plant his hooves Again, you can't decide where she is. You can only -try- to run alongside of her.
:: Although Bellona went rather far back in time with her attacks in her third post, you still need to respond to that. I didn't see any sort of mention of her diving at him while he was on the ground.


Emotion [+1]
:: You let me know what Ciceron was thinking, but I didn't feel entirely drawn into his feelings in your first post. I especially would have liked more about his feelings about losing Parelia.
:: The bit about the crab was funny and made me laugh, but I would have liked more about him getting kicked in the head.
:: I think you did quite a bit better in your last post at portraying Ciceron's anger. I really began to feel like his emotions and his actions were linked, instead of two separate entities.


Prose [-1]
:: The rainbow of colours strewn over the Pegasus Just a note that in this instance (and your other uses of the word), pegasus should not be capitalized. Word will suggest you capitalize it as it is a proper pronoun if referring to the specific Greek figure; however, much like you wouldn't capitalize unicorn or equine, pegasus doesn't need to be for our purposes.
:: If this was true taking out a wing might prove to be valuable he mused silently bracing himself for impending impact as the rainbow mare unfurled her wings and reared up lashing her front legs out in a slapdash fashion. An example of a particularly long run on sentence. Don't forget you can use commas and semicolons to help break up long lines of text, as I think this sentence would have been fine if had some.
:: Reacting instinctively he drew his cranium down and in pointing his spear slightly off to the side of his target to protect the sensitive flesh over his neck and withers. And pointed his spear.
:: Examples of run-on sentences abound in your writing. It would be greatly improved with more commas and periods, or some other way to break up the blocks of text. It becomes difficult to read sometimes.
:: Flesh wounds made by inanimate objects seen to create less pain than those caused by the elements Seem to.
:: to brace himself against the winds current Wind's. And a couple similar errors in your second post.


Readability [+1.5]
:: Same comments as above, regarding the run-on sentences.


Finally tally: 36+(1.5x2)= 39HP

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Bellona earns 1VP