BIRU
Realism [+1]
You are very good at gauging damage and how much to take, especially with the dice, so great job! I would like to see more mention of your sustained injuries though - the only one that really came up again was his bruised chest which was only because she bit the same region. There was also a reference to “white-ish red flesh” which was a bit confusing to me since it was supposed to be a very shallow scrape, whereas that wording suggest a deep gash with a flap of exposed skin or tendon (hence the white) flapping around).

I never got a good mention of breed or scenery from you though which left a lot of things feeling flat, especially considering just how different these two were in breed. For instance, if you had mentioned how much stronger Biru is in comparison to Cheveyo when doing your rearing under her rear attack, it would have helped make it more plausible - as is I found that attack not described well enough for it to be believable to me. Horses are unbalanced when they rear yes, but they are not entirely exposed and can easily land again if they haven’t over-extended their rear, meaning with that attack all the positioning Biru needed to do, while not being pummeled by heavy, hard hooves, Cheveyo could have landed or just bore her weight down on him and made it impossible for him to rear. It was also a bit oddly worded as you said you’d topple her over by piercing your horn into her. I was sad to see you didn’t take any injuries from this stunt either (other than the ones that already came from Cheveyo’s hoof attacks), because this was a very double-edged sword kind of move.

Another attack that didn’t make a lot of sense to me was Biru rearing up to try and knock his knees into Cheveyo’s head. A bite is usually something down and then the head jerked back, as it is a precious thing to protect. Even if her head was lingering near him, it’d still be easier to move away than Biru’s knees. Furthermore, a horse’s rear is not strong in the upward motion, but on the downward, so I don’t think there was really as much power behind it as you seemed to consider. It was an interesting idea though, which I liked, it just needed more description to make it more believable. A lot of your attacks and defenses would have scored higher if you took the time to detail them more and explain why we should believe they’re realistic.

So Overall great on injuries and timing, just work on being more descriptive with your attacks/defenses, breed and surroundings!


Emotion [+1.5]
I thought you had great emotion with your companion in the first post, and you continued to mention her struggle to reach him in each post there after, but I wanted more. Why, if she was panicking more each post, did she not run out and possibly endanger him/herself? Why did he not struggle to return to himself if she was calling him?

I also liked your references to his past and Lia, but it was a very gradual reveal which left me with a lot of questions and puzzlement in the beginning, only really gaining clarity in your last post. A slow reveal helps build suspense, but I just needed a bit more background in the beginning to help me understand, because I was very confused how he went from playful Biru with his companion to a death machine not just sparring with Cheveyo, but actively trying to kill her. What was his motive for initiating the attack/what triggered him to go into his past-like state?


Prose [+3]
I felt you had really nice flow and transitions all through out. You have an easy to read style and nice phrasing.


Readability [-2.5]
Overall your posts were readable, but you frequently had spelling and/or grammar issues. For instance you start many of your sentences with “but”, which is rather frowned upon for grammar. Try using different words or re-arranging the sentence so that you don’t need that word there. Additionally you don’t provide many directional cues which makes it hard to visualize where your attacks are coming from and aiming to. You did well in your first attack post describing your left and right, but not Cheveyo’s, not if you came at her from in front, behind, the side etc.

Post 1:
“...still to young to know exactly...” (too)
“Birus dark skin immediately began...” (Biru’s)
“horn had cut or stab into the neck…” (stabbed - wrong tense)

Post 2:
“ His whole body as a whole felt …”

Post 3:
“nothing could pull his attention away he needed to kill before he” (comma after ‘away’)
“And too add to that!” (to, and a fragment sentence).
“...that remained in tact. “ (intact)


Finally tally: 43+(3*2)= 49 HP


CHEVEYO
Realism [+2]
You do an excellent job with describing your injuries and continuing to mention them. I also liked how many creative ways you took damage, frequently from environment or yourself! I think sometimes you get a bit carried away though, perhaps for dramatic effect (I know the feeling, trust me), such as in her first post where she twisted her leg’s tendons (speaking of which, horses don’t have ankles. I think you meant the fetlock/ergot area?), that’s actually a pretty big deal and didn’t need such high damage considering Biru rolled a 1, so at most a bruise or a tiny cut would have sufficed, all of which could have happened due to her stepping on the rotting wood as well. You also mention possibly having a broken rib, which having broken bones is never suggested unless you literally had no other option, but in this case you did since she received it from Biru’s rear under her rear, which shouldn’t have been able to break a rib just by positioning (ribs usually break from a sideways, not underneath, pressure).

Watch your opponent’s injuries though, because in your third post you say you tasted Biru’s blood from her bite attack, but he only said he received a bruise.

You do utilize the surroundings, especially in that first and second post, however I don’t see any references to their breed differences. Considering they have quite a few, this would have been really interesting and useful to bring up as descriptions and reasons why she may have taken damage or succeeded with an attack/dodge. In this case Cheveyo was outmatched in everything but endurance, so the fact she ended up bloodier is not surprising, but she shouldn’t have been tired and her stamina, her spirit, could have carried her through the fight, outlasting her opponent rather than beating them - which you did, but more in a mental way than a physical one.

Overall though you do well with realistic attacks, scenery, and injury, just be careful with how intensely you take damage and remember to bring up breed differences!


Emotion [+1]
I felt at times that some emotion was coming through, especially in her first post when she was thinking back to her past and mixing up Biru’s hoofbeats with the memory, which was really neat. However it took me a while to understand her motives for the fight, and how she felt about it. Was she frightened Biru was so aggressive? Did fighting remind her even more of her past, and if so how did that make her feel, sad, but maybe also determined? Did she learn any moves from her past that would have helped her in this fight, or reminded her of something? Does she despise fighting because of the loss of her rider? What are her thoughts on Biru’s screaming companion the whole fight?


Prose [+2]
You have a distinctive style of prose to be sure. There’s a bit too much RP lingo (kissers, tresses, never calling eyes eyes etc.) for my personal tastes, however I didn’t let that affect the score as I recognize that as your personal style, but did want to bring it up simply because if you’re tight on word count, eliminating those extra words for the more simple version can help free up words and really doesn’t detract from the writing. Similarly with using names, saying “Biru” takes up less words than the “crazy black and white”. A happy medium of both I think is good to set the mood you want, but still giving you words to write with.

I also noticed the word “as” is used often, usually as a way to transition. This isn’t a problem until I became aware of how often that word was used because I saw it so much, so then it made the writing a bit more choppy for me. Other words can be used in place of “as” depending on the context, since as can have pretty versatile use.


Readability [+1.5]
You have very good spelling and grammar, all I saw was a few instances where you started sentences with the word “but” which is frowned upon in grammar rules. Try using different words or re-arranging the sentence so that you don’t need that word there. Additionally you don’t provide many directional cues which makes it hard to visualize where your attacks are coming from and aiming to. Use things like left, right, parallel, perpendicular, head to head, head to tail etc. to help make it more clear.


Finally tally: 27+(6.5*2)= 40 HP