GULL
Realism [+1]
:: You are about to slam into the unicorn head-on Careful about statements like this. I know you have to set up the scene somehow, but in the time that Gull is charging Rostislav could have seen him and repositioned himself.
:: For in truth, this ugly creature is your first unicorn. Wasn’t even sure what category to put this at first, it just caught me off guard when I read it. After your first post about how much he hated unicorns, I was under the impression he had seen one before. In reading on and checking his history, I see it is otherwise, but that being the case I would have thought him to be less certain that Rostislav was a unicorn upon first seeing him. Just a sort of continuity issue for me.
:: throwing your weight back on your hind legs and pitching your front end to his right. Always make sure you’re ‘trying’ to do things in relation to your opponent, not actually doing them. Try to pitch to his right.
:: In your final post, I can appreciate that you had to find a way to stop Gull from attacking, but be mindful of the comment about his blood loss causing him to be woozy. An adult horse can lose about 2 gallons of blood before any sort of shock starts to set in, and the small cuts that he got from Rosti shouldn’t have caused that much blood loss.
:: I absolutely loved how you took the damage in your final post- I would have liked to see a lot more mention and consideration of his wings throughout the fight. They’re large and bulky, so it’s good to keep them in mind as you write.


Emotion [+2]
:: Panic rises in your chest as your so-called instinct suddenly decides to abandon ship, screaming at you to do something! on its way out. Funny! Love this.
:: I love the way you’ve set up Gull’s emotions and reasons for fighting in the first post and then followed through with this into your second post where he is thinking about how he thought unicorns were huge monsters. Great!
:: Your emotion throughout is fantastic- Gull’s constant hatred for crimes that Rosti didn’t commit are fantastically written and portrayed and I can really connect those feelings with Gull’s hectic attacks.


Prose [+4]
:: There he was, enjoying a beautiful day and a nice walk in the woods, when out of the blue a stranger charges at him. Careful about switching tenses- should be ‘there he is’
:: Well written and easy to read, even in second person. Very good.


Readability [+2.5]
:: Just had to do a little bit of searching once in reference to him never seeing unicorns before. Otherwise, no comments or concerns.


Finally tally: 41 + (9.5*2) = 60HP
:: For Gull being such a new character and this being his first fight, I think you did great with him. I think you’ve got a great base to work with. I would spend some time thinking about how to improve your realism score- otherwise, great work!


ROSTISLAV
Realism [-1]
:: Careful about considering timing. With Gull galloping towards Rosti, and Rosti’s large mass, by the time Rosti had realized he’d been hit, recovered and decided to retaliate, and actually got himself reared up, I don’t think that Gull’s hind end would have still been around to hit.
:: I’m waiting a little longer to see how his injury actually affected him, but by the end of post 1 I’m thinking Rosti could have taken slightly more damage based on Gull’s roll.
:: After slamming into my shoulder, he continues past me, and I spin toward him. Careful about continuity- in your last post Rosti was rearing up at this point.
:: As soon as the words leave my mouth, my body is closing the distance between us. Trying to close the distance.
:: Rosti got a critical hit- I never saw you take any damage from this, only the damage from Gull.
:: The stallion slams into me, and although he hits my better shoulder, I’m confused about how Gull got to the other side of Rosti. I didn’t see in the writing anywhere that Rosti turned in a way that would have facilitated this.
:: My staggering has put me far enough from the boy that I think perhaps I can pull this off. Remember, you don’t know how far away from Gull you are- he could have moved.


Emotion [+1.5]
:: This strange creature seems to have lost his marbles and is not even close to locating the very first. Nice!
:: Rosti’s emotions were steady throughout, it’s clear that you know him well and can portray his feelings easily. I think you did a great job with his confusion about Gull’s attacks and accusations and I thought his reactions were fairly realistic to the emotions he would have been feeling.


Prose [+3]
:: Has he never seen a Rostislav before? Awesome!
:: hoping to his his back or flank as he continues on past me. Hit his.
:: And really, I'm quite sound of mine, if I do say so myself. Sound of mind.
:: I don't really want to mortally wound him, but if I can someone get him to back off, Somehow.


Readability [+2.5]
:: Had to check around one time to see if I missed something when Gull managed to hit his good shoulder. Otherwise, no comments or concerns.


Finally tally: 29 + (6*2) = 41HP
:: I’ve seen a lot better writing from you in the past- you seemed to be rushed and a little careless with your writing during this fight. If you’ve written a post but don’t feel like it’s the best you could have done, let it sit overnight and read it again the next day.