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Suffer. I did not suffer. I grew strong and hard. I learnt not everyone will truly love me when they say they do. The downfall of this entire thing is, I don't want to see them. They remind me of everything bad, and though I will always love them, it is painful to know that I fell prey to two horses-- a kid-like stallion, and a stallion who reeked of vodka. "Oh, I long to see them, however, I do not want to go to the throat and see my son. I'd rather have him believe Ranjiri is his mother. I doubt he'd want to see me." Pausing, I glance towards the cherry trees, away from Cera. "He was always like that. It's nice to hear that you've tried hard to make him happy. I've been nervous about his well-being after he ran off and I couldn't find him. I'm glad he's found a loving home."
As we continue walking my brain replays every memory after Rostislav and Voodoo. I had let them mount me. Then I lulled around during my pregnancy. I had given birth to my babies. It feels like yesterday they were brought into this world. Two bundles of giggles and energy... Or one. Ryuu wasn't exactly like that. I had begun to fear for him. Foals were lively and energetic, but Ryuu was docile. It was as if every step he took made him sadder. My baby, sad. Now, to hear that he is stillin pain breaks my heart. Can I fix it for him? Maybe there is some way I could get a god to heal him? Oh, who am I kidding. I'm not lucky enough for godly interaction. Even as a seer, I met no gods.
I blink and let my eyes glance back at Cera. Is he mad at my horrid parenting skills? I don't know, but I'm really fed up with myself. I'm torn between good and bad, I'm not one or another. Was I completely a bad mom? I do not think so. Everything is split inside of me. There are great holes in my personality. Something inside of me is missing, gone. I'm the defected piece in the puzzle. I'm the sock without a match, a table without legs, a house without a door. I'm everything bad, but I can't even be that successfully, so I float in the middle. Not really being anything.
"blah blah blah."
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