i won't be saved

her figure, bright, beautiful, certainly in better condition than when i had last seen her. something inside washes away what pain i have, replacing it with guilt. i had likely woken up half the herd screaming, thrashing and near drowning. she turns away from me, and i let out a sad little exhale, trying to summon her name again, but nothing leaves my lips. frowning, i let my head droop, my eyelids heavy as i lay upon the sand, covered up by a palm's dark shadow. my eyes close as pain shoots through my body, trying to adjust myself before i let out a grunt as my shoulders scream in pain. fuck, i flick back my ears as my body begins to tremble, cold from the water of the oasis and sore from the hours of flight.

i look up to see sia making her way towards me with her mouth stuffed full of leaves. i reach out towards her, amber eyes nearly closed. i mouth her name before she reaches me, radiant cerulean horn washing me in hued rays. she applies an assortment of flora upon my bleeding wounds, but the bruises lining my body go unnoticed. the raw flesh on my ribs from laying on stone is hidden beneath my wings, which are ruffled and wet. she hounds me with questions and words, things that seem to just end up in slurred, blended syllables that don't make any sense to me. "she looked better when there was fear dancing across her face, when she was consumed by lava," the familiar deep voice of the skin walker reaches my mind and i shake my head, wishing to rid this beast from my mind. "isn't it a shame she isn't dead yet? i was hoping she could've thrown her life away before you got here just so i could enjoy the horror on your face, the pain that would come crawling up from the shadows," I squeeze my eyes shut tight, clenching my jaw until my teeth begin to chatter and my body is shaking uncontrollably. "shut up," i hiss at the skin walker before looking towards sia, my sunken amber eyes showing true hurt, fear crawling up my spine as i lay before my best friend.

"i just... i wanted to make sure you were okay—" i fumble with my words, my voice hoarse and quiet, a lump forming in my throat. "i-i'm sorry sia... i just wanted to make sure you weren't.. weren't—" dead is the word i'm looking for, but it escapes my mind and i struggle like that for a few more moments before closing my lips, brows knit and face showing confusion and pain as i take in a sharp inhale. i gave up trying to finish that sentence, as i couldn't bring myself to say that word i was so afraid of, the word i feared, the word that seemed to control my entire life.

"there's none that are infected, as far as i know— there are a few deep ones down there though," i motion to the deep cuts on my underside from where my hooves had repeatedly struck, then leaving the rough rocky ground to rub away at the wounds, leaving me bloodied and sore when i woke up. i had even begun plucking away at my feathers, leaving some barren patches as well as biting as myself, leaving bite marks running along my legs and the length of my body. i was an absolute mess, a pile of garbage laying before this champagne girl who didn't appear to be as shitty looking as me.

"i don't know i just... the dreams... oh sia the dreams do this to me. it's her... or it, it's their fault i'm like this. all they ever do is show me things i don't want to see. they show me those i love dying in an assortment of ways, and it's awful sia. it showed me you jumping into the heart, so i had to see you to make sure you were okay, that you were still alive. i barely sleep anymore, barely eat, i barely go anywhere because i'm afraid i'll run into it walking among us. it's the worst thing sia, it's like nothing you've ever seen before. it takes the appearance of my mother, it walks in her skin... it talks to me even when i'm not sleeping, it's in my head sia, it knows me inside and out," my tears fall from my eyes midway, my breath shaky as i talk about this beast that haunts me. "oh come on now, i'm not a beast." it coos in it's raspy voice, my ears sliding back and the tears falling faster now. "it just won't stop, and there's more voices, quieter than it but they're there, chattering constantly." i close my eyes, listening as the voices grow louder, babbling with one another, some screaming out at me. somewhere in that sea of voices is my sanity, in a place where i can't reach it. "you have to help me sia. i don't want to be like this.." my words come out between gasps and sobs as i choke and stutter, vision blurry and mind fuzzy.

sikeax • notes