BELLONA
Realism [+1.5]
:: I feel like the way you wrote Rostislav and Damaris’ attacks made it seem like there was a long period of time between them, when it really should have been rather simultaneous.
:: Instead of giving the dog a chance to latch onto just one of her towering pillars, she chooses to run over the hellhound with all four. I would have reworded this. I don’t think you meant this as a powerplay, but you really didn’t leave a lot of room for interpretation of this attack.
:: I think that having Bellona fall was an excellent way to account for her critical miss and some of the damage from Rostislav’s attack. I’m not sure that having him run her over was very realistic, though. I just can’t really imagine a situation where the running horse wouldn’t stop, and changing Rostislav’s attack like that was reaching into the realm of powerplay, in my opinion.
:: Good job keeping the scenery in mind and using it in your posts.


Emotion [+2]
:: I like the dynamic between Bellona and Mictla. I wasn’t entirely drawn in, maybe in part due to my confusion (see below), but you did a good job of setting up their relationship and Bellona’s detail and battle-oriented mind.
:: Good job continuing the dynamic with her companion in your next posts. In particular, the third post was especially good.


Prose [+3]
:: All that is matters is that it is bothering her, One too many ‘is’s.
:: Aiming to either blind the brute or smack him upside her head, His head.


Readability [+2]
:: I’m not really sure why, the prose was mostly neat in your first post, but I never really caught up with exactly what was going on in the first paragraph and a few areas after that. I think there were some vague phrases that didn’t really give me the clarity I needed to know what was going on.


Finally tally: 27 + (8.5 * 2) = 44HP


ROSTISLAV

Realism [+2.5]
:: In your first post you needed to take more damage. Bellona rolled a 6. I did not get any sense that the damage you took was very severe and there was little to no mention of the attack affecting him beyond the moment when it occurred.
:: Good job remembering the scenery that you created/dictated throughout the entire spar and working that into your posts. I would have liked some mention of the rain impairing vision or something to that effect, just to really give it that ‘cherry on top’ but I was quite happy with how you remembered the mud throughout.
:: Her body slam to my hindquarters earlier leaves me unable to brace myself Not sure which attack to the hindquarters you’re talking about. In her first post she hit him in the shoulder, second post she ran after Damaris…


Emotion [+1.5]
:: I really, really liked Rosti’s commentary on all of his old battles and rolling that into your first post.
:: I felt like the dynamic between Rosti and companion was better during your second post. You had so many more words available, I wish you would have expanded on his feelings a little more, so I could really be drawn in.


Prose [+4]
:: I felt like your writing was really well edited and I could tell that you spent time making sure everything was written correctly. I didn’t see any issues that I thought needed correction.


Readability [+2]
:: I had to go back and recheck some areas when you said that Bellona had hit Rostislav in the hindquarters. Otherwise, everything was fine.


Finally tally: 38 + (10 * 2) = 58HP