Cheveyo
Realism [2]

> Your first attack reads very awkwardly. It seemed like Chev lunged at Archi in the air, simultaneously trying to bite his shoulder and ... hit his thigh with her front hooves? Since his thighs are the muscles on the back of the leg, I assume you mean she was targeting his hindquarter/hip joint area. But given how much larger Archi is this is a really big move for her. If she stands with her nose at his shoulders I don't think her hooves are going to reach his hip, much less be able to have the height to strike him.
> Archi's first attack rolled 11.5pts of damage. That's a 1/6 of her TOTAL health that is suddenly gone. You had three places to take damage from: his initial bite (which wasn't mentioned), him half-rearing and trying to shove her over, or the three bites to her spine. Time indicated that the three bites were supposed to be superficial, so I'm glad you didn't take too much damage from that, but I wanted to see Chev responding more realistically to Archi's shove. He's a BIG boy, especially compared to her. She wouldn't be able to brace against him for long but I didn't see her struggle enough, or take enough damage given how much Archi rolled.
> Surprise and panic filled my small, compact frame when I turned only to see the stallion I had sworn I left in my dust rearing up just a pace or two ahead of me. It shocked me to see that a stallion of Archibald's size was capable of moving at that speed, it seemed the dry conditions were assisting the hulking beast more than hindering I'm not sure if you're intentionally trying to call attention to Archi's post or not, but I thought I'd address it. One concern with writing too far after your attacks is that it leaves lots of room for your opponent to do things. In your last post you wrote that Chev bucks at Archi, canters forward (you don't say how far), and then turns around. Given that all Archi did was lean back, take her kick, and charge after her (and given that his strides ARE much longer) it isn't so surprising he could be behind her. Again, not sure if this was you as a writer acting surprised, or just Chev :)
> In your final attack you take Archi's bite to the face. This was very odd. Archi's attack was to kick at her chest and then shove his way forward stretching out his neck to bite her. Given that Chev ran away realistically she completely evaded that attack (or if anything would have taken it on her rump). If you needed a way to take the damage you rolled, you could have had Chev trip over something, given how much her shoulder hurt, and twist her leg in order to receive the amount of damage rolled. It doesn't always have to come from your partner!


Emotion [1]
> I really missed out on Chev's emotion throughout most of this spar. I would be horrified to spar Archi, and while some of your earlier posts covered this, I didn't feel it transfer through. When he bites her and knocks into her, where does her mind go? Does she worry she's disappointing him? Does she think he would really kill her? etc. All of these you can draw inspiration from.
> You mention that Chev panic's a lot. Why is she panicking? She's fought before with the humans, so it isn't like this is her first rodeo. Sure Archi is bigger but isn't she going to assume that he'll go a little easy on her given that this is only a spar and not a full on fight?
> In your final post you have Chev run away from Archi, taking his hoof-flailing kicks to her shoulder. This was really great, but I would have wanted to have her be proud of herself there! She had literally used the one skill she knew was in her advantage and it had worked (she did get kicked, but not as seriously as she might have), but there was no follow up.


Prose [2]

> There were quite a few grammatical errors in your posts. Take the time to re-read things before posting! Sentences with missing commas or just run-on sentences made me pause and have to re-read almost the whole paragraph which really broke up your posts! For instance this was quite awkward to read: My weight shifted once more as I leapt forwards at the stallion, cracked and worn ivories bared while my yellow painted hooves, that weren't holding onto the dry crust of the Earth with everything that I had, flailed out towards the black Captain. How are her hooves holding onto the earth? She doesn't have claws that are digging into the ground, she has flat hooves. The sentence structure was also awkward.
> Make sure you're taking advantage of the word count. There were lots of opportunities to write more, and given that this spar was an unlimited timeline you certainly had time to do it! Sometimes it can be hard sitting down and writing a post that is supposed to touch on as many elements as spar posts do, but it does get easier!


Readability [0]

> Make sure you're indicating what directions you're attacking! While you can't PP, you definitely want to paint an absurdly clear picture of what it is your character is doing.
> Also be sure you're responding to all attacks. If your opponent misses, or if you dodge away ensure that you're giving some amount of words in response. If you don't, as a judge I have a hard time deciding whether or not you simply avoided an attack, or forgot about it.
> You took damage that I don't think you should have, and you ignored an attack which was distracting as a judge. As general advice (not implying that Time did this), don't let your opponent OOC bully you into responding a certain way. When I spar and unrealistic attacks are made, I respond to them but don't take damage from them because it brings my writing down.

Finally tally: 34.5 + (5*2) = 44.5HP


Archibald
Realism [4]

> In Archi's first post, you write the following sequence of events: Archi tries to bite Chev, Chev bites archi, Archi pivots away from Chev's hooves. However in Semper's post she clearly writes that Chev lunges at Archi trying to bite him and kick him with her hooves. If that's the case then by the time he feels her bite, her hooves have already tried to make their attack. He wouldn't have time to swing away AFTER he had already taken the bite. It might have worked if he had been pivoting the entire time. But then you go onto say that Archi tries to place himself perpendicular to her, and yet Semper wrote that Chev immediately backs up. Timeline wise her scramble backwards should have occurred at the same time he pivots, meaning that when he lungs forward they are more facing each other than they are perpendicular.
> This isn't a problem with realism, just something to think about. Archi writes, The wound was little, a surface kiss at best, but the impact, Archibald knew, could have been a great deal worse. She was a compact mare, her muscles thick despite her lack of draft-type blood, and her hind legs had the kicking force to critically damage an enemy. I actually thought about that for a moment and was surprised Archi took it in this direction. Given that Chev's attack was a 6.5 and the most damage she can do is only 9.5, I think it's actually wrong for Archi to put so much stake in her, or at least, if he knew all of the details and whatnot. There are no points off for this, but I did want to mention it. I think it would have been cool if instead Archi had been surprised. Like, she had a perfect setup and THIS was the best she could do? Your character's obviously can't know exact stats, but they can have an idea of the general vicinity they fall into. Given Archi's experience he should be able to know that in fact Chev is attacking at 66% - there isn't a ton more power there.
> The pull of his chest muscles stung from the remnants of her kick, but Archibald continued on despite the tickle of pain. Nice.
> Dangit. I would have liked to see Archi take the critical miss.

Emotion [1.5]
> Helovia was rampant with behemoths of height, some nearly reaching the Dauntless himself, and Cheveyo needed to be able to handle them with her small stature. After all, she had no horn to stab, and no wings to reach heights far above his own, but she was not disadvantaged. He knew she was not, and this was his time to truly see so. awwhhh.

> Archi responding to Loretta was SUPERB during this spar. I thought it added a really interesting element and dynamic. Even so, Archi isn't the most overtly emotional character.

Prose [3]
> This read very declarative to me, She looked as if she were scrambling, frantic to get away from his hold. Since it was Archi's first attack and Semper hadn't taken damage from him yet, to even suggest that Archi's bite or knee-strike had hit is pushing it. I think you might just be using the language figuratively, but make sure you watch that!
> A few spelling/grammar mistakes, but nothing serious.

Readability [2]
> What are lightning bites? As the massive black monster pushed forward, hoping to knock the mare back, he let out three lightning bites.. Do you mean lightning fast ?

Finally tally: 54.5 + (10.5*2) = 75.5 HP