OPHELIA & TINEK</style>
Heavens ablaze in our eyes, we're standing still in time
the blood on our hands is the wine, we offer a sacrifice</style>
Ophelia was not vain, and she did not think much of herself or her appearance. She saw herself as forever toeing a delicate line between the two halves of her bloodline, and this tragic inability to belong to either side was painfully apparent in her exterior. The bloody crimson was a remnant of the paternal warlords, corrupt and wicked, while the soft white and her single, blue eye was the gentleness of her equine mother. The only place she belonged was the great nowhere, the in-between. Her title as queen of a herd land that no longer existed spoke volumes that she could never express. She was forsaken.
So, offering her name had not crossed her mind. Why did her name matter at all? Why did she matter at all? Elsa was full of life, obviously vibrant and seemingly unfettered by the weights that kept Ophelia grounded. Such a one as her would want nothing to do with this broken leader, nothing except to practice a battle, and Phi was not here to make more friends who would simply break her heart.
Wasting no additional time, the pale princess threw herself into her actions, trying to shed the self-doubts and memories as she breathed. The rhythm of her hooves put her into a trance where all that existed was action and reaction. In this world, this arena, this battle, nothing else existed because it did not need to exist, and for the first time, she found freedom in this reality. Was this why her father had battled so often? To escape the world? Maybe, just maybe, she was not battling here with anyone else but herself.
Ophelia closed the distance between them, reaching out to grab onto the long tendrils of Elsa’s mane where it stuck to her neck with sweat. In the process, her teeth had pinched unintentionally at the mare’s skin, the flavor of hair and the salty tang of perspiration snapping her back into focus. The taller Elsa let out a short burst of noise, and Phi’s ears tilted in her direction, watching the muscles gather in her haunches to propel her out of the way. In her movement, Elsa had avoided the painful apex of her horn, but Ophelia was not disappointed. Perhaps no blood needed to be shed today. Wouldn’t that be a rare gift?
As the mare rushed past her right side, Ophelia flashed her jaws out again, keen on grabbing the tail hairs at the base of her rump as a sharp reminder that running from battle was not an option. For as long as Ophelia could control the situation, she would try to ground the pegasus, making her only unique appendages useless here, and that was only done by ensuring that Elsa felt she had to stay on the ground. Luckily for Ophelia, battles were quite psychological, and her powers and memory gave her unique insight into patterns of behavior. Relentlessly, Ophelia turned on her haunches and followed Elsa, moving to come around on the mare’s left side, even though she was unaware of her blindness.
Little did Elsa know that Ophelia could disappear – well, seemingly. A quick dodge cleared Ophelia of Elsa’s bite at her hips, and she attempted to invade Elsa’s mind and if possible, eliminate her previous position from her short term memories. In this way, Phi had the unique power to go invisible, because in the minds of her victims, she had never been in that position to begin with – they had no memory of her ever being there. Whether it was her magic or quick footwork, Ophelia had avoided Elsa bucking, which she caught over her shoulder as she danced away from the scene only a short distance.
Tinek took to the sky then, flying to try to get altitude over Elsa. The silver dragon exhaled a breath of frost that fell like snow in the crisp morning air, hopefully giving Ophelia enough time to circle back into the fight. The hybrid took full advantage of her companion’s help, running toward Elsa’s left side and pushing her weight onto her haunches, attempting to strike at her back with the hardened toes of her cloven hooves. Swiftly, she let her weight come back down, not eager to be thrown over off balance by Elsa’s mass. As she descended, her teeth flared out again, threatening her crest or shoulder with a bite.
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[2/3] [733 words in Word]
Summary: Ophelia dodges the bite but tries to use her magic to avoid the buck.
Ophelia tries to use Tinek as a distraction and run to her left side. She tries to strike at Elsa's side with her front hooves and bite at her as she returns to having four feet on the ground.
You timing was find :) I just like fast because it helps me stay in the battle. Training spar notes are location below this table.
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BG | dragon | horse
Training spar notes::
1. There were some dropped words and grammatical errors in this post that made the sentences a little difficult to read. For example, in your second sentence, you have: " This woman, more like goddess was much more gifted in the way of vanity.". Did you mean more like a goddess and was much more gifted...? Try reading your posts out loud - even muttering under your breath can help you catch mistakes like these.
2. Grammatical error here: " The Ice Queens words were simple and contrite". Should be the "Ice Queen's words" since the words belong to the Ice Queen, so it needs an apostrophe.
3. Transitions. Transitions are very important to help your reader follow the flow of your writing. Flow keeps the reader moving through your post with experiencing so much the length. Transitions are usually small sentences guiding your reading with your character's movements or thoughts are small phrases at the beginning of your sentence. For example, this: "Elsa stepped into the pit, not relishing the feeling. Her mind suddenly flipped back to the dark cave hidden away in the Heart." If you had rewritten it with transitions, the flow would improve. "Elsa stepped into the pit, not relishing the feeling. Emotions like deja vu took her suddenly back to the Heart in that dark cave."
4. Combine sentences to avoid repetition. "Ophelia’s teeth clenched upon a slight bit of skin, when aiming for the hair. It pinched the skin that was about halfway between the crest, and the bottom of her neck." You twice said that Ophelia's teeth pinched her skin, so why not combine them? "Ophelia's teeth clenched on a slight bit of skin between her crest and the bottom of her neck, the sensation pinching." Not only does this have fewer words, but it also improves the flow.
5. The last paragraph with the positioning confused me. As I understood, they were right side to right side earlier, Ophelia biting at her neck and trying to her her horn across Elsa's belly. So, that means that they were almost head to hip. Since Elsa ran forward, that would then be butt to butt slightly off center from each other. How then, would there be an issue with Elsa's left side?
When she turns around, are they now left side to right side? Why would Elsa turn so that she is trying to attack Ophelia with her left side facing Phi and how would she even know what she was biting at at all?
But then, you talked about having a butt in the face. So how is the left side relevant if they are in the same right side to right side, head to hip position as before? I tried to keep it very open ended in my response so that you could clarify the position later. Since you rolled for a miss, that made it easier. If I had had to take any damage and choose a side where the damage was, that would have made it much more difficult.
6. Overall, I think this was a very solid post though! You brought in alot of emotion and touched on a bunch of the things I had said before. I really felt like Elsa was in her environment more rather than her own head, but the emotion was still tangible. I think if you focus on cleaning up a bit of the grammar and reading out loud to yourself, everything will be much, much easier.
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