HELOVIA || The Way to the Sun › Out of Character › Archives › Battle Archives v ⇒ [JUDGED] Wan island sun [open]
the Rift


[JUDGED] Wan island sun [open]
Ascended Helovian

Ophelia the Amaranthine Posts: 701
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 hh :: 6 Years HP: 77 | Buff: BULK
Tinek :: Royal Silver Dragon :: Frost Breath & Shock Breath Tamme
#7
10-30-2014, 10:59 AM

OPHELIA & TINEK</style>
Heavens ablaze in our eyes, we're standing still in time
the blood on our hands is the wine, we offer a sacrifice</style>



A small, sliver of satisfaction bloomed in her gut as her magic seemed to work. Ophelia had used her magic to become invisible, but she had not. Should anyone else have been watching, they would have seen her clear as day, but not Elsa. For Ophelia’s magic worked in the mind of her opponent, erasing her from their memories until she seemingly did not exist. Thus, she escaped injury, the pale of her coat unflawed by blood or damage. In essence, her magic and grace made her a perfect spy, setting others at ease with her gentle nature and stealing from their most intimate thoughts all the while. Ah, but she still had a conscience and morals which hindered her subversive abilities, so she was hesitant to look, wary of delving too deep.

None of her powers had saved her when Gaucho had attacked, and she was battling to ensure that she never felt the same helplessness again. Fear like she had never known before still clung to her flawless memories, giving her the strength and will to spar again. She realized now that she had been avoiding war to avoid her father’s blood which ran in her veins, denying the warlord half of her dual nature. To do so had been foolish, nearly costing her the greatest prize: her life.

Approaching from either direction was not a concern to Ophelia – whichever had her arrive at her destination with the best tactics and speed won. In this case, it was the left. Much to her surprise, she did not land any damage on Elsa, and as she took in the scene, mind calculating all the variables, she discovered why. Tinek, who was usually so helpful, had actually caused a rather interesting outcome. The pegasus had fled from him, avoiding both his talons and her bite as she raced past. Why had she run? In this battle, she had not seen the pegasus do so yet, so what had made her so nervous?

Ophelia’s front hooves landed in the sand, her maw slightly parted as she had come up tragically empty. What she felt was a mixture of awe and irritation, so she swiftly approached Elsa again, keen on trying once more to ensure that she fully displayed her skill and tested her limits and boundaries. The battle was not about anyone else but herself, and she knew who she was really fighting in her own mind. In a way, she reduced Elsa to nothing more than a mirror, reflecting back Ophelia’s own weaknesses and failures so that she could face them again, and this time, emerge victorious.

What she was not expecting was Elsa’s magic, especially since it reminded her so much of Mauja. A spike of ice erupted from the ground, and she felt self-doubt and confusion hit her square in the chest. Her eyes danced to the sky, trying to find Irma, but she was nowhere to be found. The only one who could have brought this magic was Elsa, and Ophelia narrowed her gaze slightly. Her movement forward, toward her opponent, had saved her from being impaled, but the point of the ice had scraped along her inner, left hind leg.

Ophelia felt anger fill her heart. The spike could have killed her, and this was about sparring! If she had not been moving, that might have been exactly what happened. The stakes were raised then, and the pale princess felt the sting of the short cut fade. Barely a prick of blood had been drawn, like Aurora’s finger on the needle, only this time, Ophelia had woken up. She knew better than to let the rage control her, so she let it settle like an icy wind as she moved to close the distance between them.

Using her magic again, Ophelia tried to remove the memories of herself, making her seemingly invisible once more. Under the cloak power, she dove forward, tucking her chest to her chest to bare the point of her horn. If Elsa wanted to try to impale her on ice, then Ophelia would do the same. She aimed to move to Elsa’s left side, easiest from when she disappeared, and her cloven hooves carried her forward. The point of her horn dove toward the precarious joint that held wing to body, imagining that this was like the soul to the pegasus whereas her soul was deep between her ribs.

Eye for an eye.

------------------------------
[3/3] [740 Words in Word]
- Ophelia takes damage along the inner, hind left leg, but it's more of a scratch with a little blood
- She uses her magic to try to become invisible again and attacks from the left
- She points her horn, trying to pierce where her wing connects to her body

(notes below!)

BG | dragon | horse



Teaching Spar Notes::
1. Your first sentence has repeating words again! IT would flow better if you had written "The idea of sparring was absurd" rather than repeat the word "idea".

2. You shouldn't end sentences with an infinitive (which I do all the time :| ). "to her" is non-essential to what you wrote. For example, "yet... even now, her sparring was useless." See? The same message without those words, leaving you more room later in case you get close to the 800 word limit.

3. "Her home she thought was long forgotten, Elsa thought rarely of her mother and father, and less often of her sister. " This sentence is very confusing. "Elsa rarely thought of her mother and father, and her sister was thought of even less. Her home was long forgotten." I am not 100% sure why this sentence is incorrect using big-girl grammar terms (lol), but I can tell you that it is.

4. "Maybe Elsa was stuck in the sick cycle of her homeland, even when she thought she had fully removed the thorn, the scar would still stay. " This sentence needs a conjunction since they are two, independent clauses. So, you should stick it between somewhere before the word 'even'. For example, "Maybe Elsa was stuck in the sick cycle of her homeland, because even when she thought she had fully removed the thorn, the scar would still stay."

5. Remember that if you make a list, you have to use the right "to"! She is still "too reserved," and "too cold".

6. "Speaking of blind, during that moment she heard the White Queen approaching from the left; she flinched, this was very bad news. " Your sentence "this was very bad news" is an independent sentence, so it either needs to be on it's own or separated by a conjunction.

7. I really like your flow though! You have a great lead from thoughts to action, and you really provided great reasoning and emotion for Elsa!

8. This is amazing: "A spar without scars is useless; one cannot learn if they do not fail.".

9. I would start to work on bringing in environment and physical differences again. Why isn't Elsa using her wings? Where are they positioned? What about her long hair? The sand? The weather? Etc...




Undertow has come to take me. Guided by the blazing sun. Look at everything around us. Look at everything we've done.
Please. Anyone. I don't think I can save myself. I'm drowning.

Please tag me in every response!
Find


Messages In This Thread
Wan island sun [open] - by Ophelia - 10-01-2014, 12:05 PM
RE: Wan island sun [open] - by Elsa - 10-03-2014, 07:24 PM
RE: Wan island sun [open] - by Ophelia - 10-04-2014, 11:24 PM
RE: Wan island sun [open] - by Elsa - 10-09-2014, 04:32 PM
RE: Wan island sun [open] - by Ophelia - 10-11-2014, 05:18 PM
RE: Wan island sun [open] - by Elsa - 10-21-2014, 01:43 PM
RE: Wan island sun [open] - by Ophelia - 10-30-2014, 10:59 AM
RE: Wan island sun [open] - by Official - 11-23-2014, 04:30 PM
RE: Wan island sun [open] - by Official - 12-02-2014, 10:19 AM

Forum Jump:


RPGfix Equi-venture