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12-02-2014, 10:19 AM
By my verdict: OPHELIA is the winner!
OPHELIA
Realism [+4]
:: I’m glad you noted character differences in your first post, but they sometimes felt more forced than organic. They were better in the second post.
:: Good job working in the confusing direction change.
:: The attacks were well thought out and responses to damage well considered.
Emotion [+1.5]
:: Through your first two posts, the emotion has been lovely. Present, but not overbearing, very telling and descriptive but not distracting. Very good, though rather static until the last post.
:: Ice magic reminding Ophelia of Mauja was a nice touch.
Prose [+3.5]
:: There was some weird tense stuff early in your first post.
:: It was easy to see the posts were read over and edited well before posting.
Readability [+2]
:: Not knowing this Elsa well and unaware of her skill, Ophelia telegraphed her initial attack, letting the winged one know that she was beginning their fight. Never quite figured out what ‘telegraphed’ meant in this context.
Finally tally: 60.5+(11*2)= 82.5 HP
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ELSA
Realism [+2.5]
:: Ophelia, if she hadn’t moved by this point, would be on her left side. I think you switched sides here. They should have been right side to right side in my understanding. And then confusing positioning continues into the next attack and the buck, where I think you switched back to the original positions. Careful with stuff like this!
:: I like the way you worked in Ophelia’s magic and how it would have affected Elsa.
:: Otherwise, attacks and responses to damage were well thought out.
Emotion [+1.5]
:: I liked that when she stepped on the sandy ground she associated with the Heart.
:: even when she thought she had fully removed the thorn, the scar would still stay. I liked this a lot.
Prose [+2]
:: Ophelia was too quiet, to reserved, to cold to understand. Should be ‘too’ throughout.
:: hopefully moving down the Ice Queens right side. Need an apostrophe.
:: There were a few other small mistakes sprinkled throughout
:: Posts were well-written but sometimes, especially in the first post, your writing felt a little scattered and not entirely cohesive to me.
Readability [+2]
:: I had to go back and re-read regarding the direction change in the first post.
Finally tally: 50.5+(8*2)= 66.5 HP
