SERENITY
Realism [-1]
I definitely felt you were true to Serenity’s inexperience through the fight, especially with you yourself as an experienced fighter, which showed in how well you took your attacks and defenses. I did struggle a bit with Serenity just flapping her wings from a stand still and gliding to safety though in your second post. What I didn’t see was well explained injuries. You told me you were hit and where, but not what the damage really was (what kind of a burn, how deep of a puncture, when she was hit, did it bruise?) and not necessarily what the pain was or how it affected her (when he hit her did she stumble, did it hurt, when she was burned did she run slower?). Perhaps because of this, I felt you took too much damage in both your third and fourth posts.

Additionally there were a few occasions where you backtracked too much in your post to your previous post. For instance in your second post you explain Serenity’s wings as flaring out to slow her and thus avoid his horns, yet you still manage to land a bite on him. This doesn’t make sense first of all, because the success of the bite was dependent on her forward motion towards him, but also you already described in your first post her running, trying to bite, then leaving. You cannot then go back in and add in new moves to that old timeline, it’s done and gone. You do something similar in your fourth post, where you say because he attacked you with his horns you bit him a second time, but you had already made that second bite in your third post. What you can say is the anger from his horn attack only made your decision to bite him twice all the more solidified, but it did not in itself create the action.

Finally I would have really liked to see more breed and surroundings. You did utilize the sand as a possible distraction in your second post, but otherwise it felt ignored. You also said something against your stats. In your second post: “Still, her reactions would never be quite as fast as his actions”. She has much higher speed, so yes they could. I think what you were trying to say was regardless of her speed, if she was standing still she couldn’t react fast enough to him, but that is not necessarily true and didn’t really come off that way with your wording. That being said there was a lot of breed differences that had potential to be utilized in this fight.

Overall, focus and take the time to go in depth and describing your actions further, especially if you have the word count available.


Emotion [+1]
Although I got some emotion from Serenity, it all felt very superficial and told rather than shown. Her posts actually read abnormal to me compared to some of her other threads and at times the emotion seemed forced. However you clearly got across her trepidation and girliness with the fight.


Prose [+2]
You have good prose throughout, it just felt generally plain and rushed.


Readability [+2]
In each post I had issues with determining your positioning in relation to your opponent. I never knew how you were near him when you started, nor when you would run off. You would just describe it as she ran away, not on what side of him or what direction or how far. When you attacked it often wasn’t said which side or from where you came, perpendicular, parallel, in front of him, beside him?? I really needed a lot more visual cues.


Finally tally: 32.5+(4*2)= 40.5 HP


TORLEIK
Realism [+3.5]
You had really strong realistic aspects all throughout the fight, especially noted with how much attention you gave the terrain. I especially loved your consideration and use of his passive magic’s effects on that. I was hoping for some more breed references given their big differences, but you never quite went far enough for me to count it.

Your attacks and defenses all made great sense and were well described, however your injury descriptions and damage amounts could use improvement. In both your first and last post you took her bites, but didn’t explain what the causes were from it (bruising, torn skin…), and given that a 3 damage was rolled for each, I’m expecting a bit more than a bruise (that’s more like a 1 damage). In your third post I enjoyed how much you continued to have his head injury affect him, and considered that you might have been using some of that paint o count towards your damage for that post, however you never explicitly said so (just that it still hurt), not to mention since that damage was taken from a prior attack it couldn’t be counted anyway. What would have worked is if you took self inflicted damage from your horn attack. Although at the time you don’t know if it’d hit or not, you could describe that if it hit, the impact would further rouse your injury, along with just the general throbbing from moving your head. That being said, you took excellent damage with the critical hit, especially given the weak attacks she provided you. I also really enjoyed you keeping him debilitated that post and attacking through Irelyn instead.

Speaking of Irelyn I would really like to know how she suddenly was on the ground in your third post. She can’t just be angrily pursuing Serenity and then out of no where be on the ground with no explanation. I assume this was a word count conflict, but it felt like a black hole of activity that shattered the realism for me.

Overall, excellent job, just pay more heed to your injury descriptions.


Emotion [+2.5]
I really felt excellent emotion throughout the fight, particularly with his head injury and the bond with his companion.


Prose [+4]
Beautiful prose all throughout.


Readability [+2.5]
Some minor typos, otherwise readable.

Post 1:
“...pointing both the sharp adornment of his skull directly at the approaching Serenity.” (A word or something was left out, doesn't make sense).

Post 2:
“...though forelock and horns...” (through).


Finally tally: 37.5+(12.5*2)= 62.5 HP