GAUCHO
Realism [+3]
:: I feel like Gaucho could have taken a little more damage in his first post. It’s hard to judge sometimes, as I know with his tried warrior status he basically ignores a lot of pain, but a little more description of his damage would have helped me out, I think.
:: Keep in mind Gaucho’s size when describing him taking to flight. You didn’t write much about it, so I assume that he would have gotten a running start of some sort, but it’s nice to note that he didn’t just bounce into the air and start flying.
:: Fury boiled within the Wildfire as his body pulled upwards, soaring over the black stallion. Caution with this. Bucephalus should be in the same position as he landed, per his last post, but based on the timing that you wrote into the post he could have had time to move.
:: Nice job using the flames to help maneuver Gaucho in the air.
:: Your integration of comparisons between Gaucho and Bucephalus was really organic and didn’t feel forced at all. Nice!


Emotion [+2.5]
:: It’s clear you know Gaucho well- the emotion just flows. Right from the very beginning of your first attack, I could really connect with him.
:: Excellent ruminations from Gaucho on Bucephalus’ response to the fire attack.


Prose [+4]
:: Your posts were obviously well-edited and clearly written. Nice job.


Readability [+3]
:: No comments or concerns.

Finally tally: 65+(12.5*2)= 90HP


BUCEPHALUS
Realism [-2.5]
:: Remember that directions (left or right) are helpful. I was missing this for your first attack.
:: Good use of scenery in your first post.
:: Watch your wording. You stated pretty explicitly that Bucephalus darted behind Gaucho. You need to ‘try’ or ‘attempt’ such actions, as Gaucho could have moved.
:: Bucephalus dropping to the ground indicates to me that you took way too much damage for a roll of 4. Careful to really think about how you’re translating dice to damage.
:: As he smothered the flames, his hind legs kicked, shoving him away from Gaucho as quick as he could. Again, careful with how you word things. This is very definite. You can’t ‘do’ an action relating to Gaucho, you have to ‘try’ to do it.
:: Altan circled Gaucho, Just another example of powerplay.
:: Altan sprang into the air, gaining a little bit of height before diving down towards Gaucho. Pegasi are big creatures, I still always imagine them needing some sort of running start to really get any sort of height when they fly. Keep this in mind, especially when you (powerplayed) yourself circling closer and closer to Gaucho. Same thing in the third post, where he just jumped into the air and started flying.
:: When he came close, he shot his forelegs out and locked his knees, wings flaring as he aimed to hit Gaucho's wing joint with his hooves. Then he quickly pulled away, returning to fly above Gaucho. Another example. Try, don’t do.
:: Based on the fire injuries you described, I would have liked to see some mention of pain at all the maneuvering that Buce was doing.


Emotion [-1]
:: In your first post, I was really disappointed by the lack of emotion put forth. I could see logical places where you really could have expounded on what Bucephalus was feeling, but didn’t.
:: Towards the end of your second post, where Bucephalus is talking, is when I finally got a taste of his personality. Great! More of this!


Prose [+2]
:: The wording on your attack was kind of confusing and I had to go through several times to figure out what exactly you intended Bucephalus’ attack to be.
:: And he'd be damned if he'd loose to Gaucho in the air. Lose.
:: Your posts were well-edited, for the most part, although there were a few moments where I thought there were a few too many commas.


Readability [+1]
:: I was massively confused about Altan for a long time. I highly recommend putting this information in your profile, because I did not understand this was another part of Bucephalus’ personalty.
:: Your attacks were sometimes difficult to follow. Be sure to word these clearly, as they’re a very important part of the battle.

Finally tally: 31.5+(-0.5*2)= 30.5HP