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12-14-2014, 04:49 AM
Had no idea which board would be best to put this in, so here goes...
Caution: I sound like Mauja is an independent entity existing within my head. For all I care, he could be, as I do not claim to "control" my characters or impose my reasoning/actions upon them. He exists within my thoughts and when I write it is purely on instinct.
Those who have talked to me, about Helovia and especially about my character, probably knows that I have a sort of iffy relationship with Mauja. On one hand I love him dearly and writing him usually feels good.
And on the other, he is incredibly frustrating. Why?
Because he is depressed. He's been depressed since the fall of the Edge, which was around the time I first left, so fall/early winter 2012. That's 2 years, and the better part of the time I've been playing him. And depression takes a long time to cure, but for a really long time, neither he nor I understood what was going on. He's spent the better part of these years belittling himself and trying to "be what he can't be anymore", which, of course, just leads to more frustrations and a feeling of shortcomings.
And.. I mean, he is a rather depressing figure right now. His mind is unraveling more and more and in some ways he's really derailing, because he cannot hold it in/control it anymore. It also means that the reactions he gets from pretty much everyone, the ones who knew him or simply had some kind of idea of who he ought to be, aren't very nice/good most of the time. If you've ever been in this situation IRL you'll recognize that being told these things do not help. :D
So what I'm trying to say is.. I've been struggling with Mau's mental health for years. In a way, he's a reflection of me; his inability to let go of the Edge has been my inability to let go of Arvidsjaur, etc. His depression has reflected mine. But for the past half a year-year, my life's taken a turn for the better, and I've been feeling really alive, and happy. I just wish it'd rub off on him.
Anyway, I'm just.. I mean I don't want to "plot out" someone fixing him because I know that won't happen and I'm certainly not asking people to stop being disappointed in him IC because he's certainly BEING a disappointment, I'm just.. in some ways, sort of at my wits end, because after 2 years it gets kind of.. old, and frustrating. So I guess this is part rant, part.. I don't know, if anyone has any advice. :|
Caution: I sound like Mauja is an independent entity existing within my head. For all I care, he could be, as I do not claim to "control" my characters or impose my reasoning/actions upon them. He exists within my thoughts and when I write it is purely on instinct.
Those who have talked to me, about Helovia and especially about my character, probably knows that I have a sort of iffy relationship with Mauja. On one hand I love him dearly and writing him usually feels good.
And on the other, he is incredibly frustrating. Why?
Because he is depressed. He's been depressed since the fall of the Edge, which was around the time I first left, so fall/early winter 2012. That's 2 years, and the better part of the time I've been playing him. And depression takes a long time to cure, but for a really long time, neither he nor I understood what was going on. He's spent the better part of these years belittling himself and trying to "be what he can't be anymore", which, of course, just leads to more frustrations and a feeling of shortcomings.
And.. I mean, he is a rather depressing figure right now. His mind is unraveling more and more and in some ways he's really derailing, because he cannot hold it in/control it anymore. It also means that the reactions he gets from pretty much everyone, the ones who knew him or simply had some kind of idea of who he ought to be, aren't very nice/good most of the time. If you've ever been in this situation IRL you'll recognize that being told these things do not help. :D
So what I'm trying to say is.. I've been struggling with Mau's mental health for years. In a way, he's a reflection of me; his inability to let go of the Edge has been my inability to let go of Arvidsjaur, etc. His depression has reflected mine. But for the past half a year-year, my life's taken a turn for the better, and I've been feeling really alive, and happy. I just wish it'd rub off on him.
Anyway, I'm just.. I mean I don't want to "plot out" someone fixing him because I know that won't happen and I'm certainly not asking people to stop being disappointed in him IC because he's certainly BEING a disappointment, I'm just.. in some ways, sort of at my wits end, because after 2 years it gets kind of.. old, and frustrating. So I guess this is part rant, part.. I don't know, if anyone has any advice. :|
