THRANDUIL
Realism [+2]
Your first post was great! You had a strong attack, good scenery and some breed comparisons. You sprinkled some scenery here and there throughout the fight, however I would have liked to see Thranduil struggle in the sand a bit more, especially considering his homeland is the exact opposite (although you could have argued the case his stint in the Throat prepped him for this). Similarly I wanted to see more emphasis on their breed differences, Thor is significantly taller but you didn’t even seem to blink with your rear attack in post 4, nor did you use your higher agility stat to your advantage - which would have been nice given how many misses Thor rolled (although I liked you using your armor for those explanations).

Speaking of misses it read very much that you took damage in your second attack, when 0 damage was rolled for you, so be careful to make it clear no damage was sustained. Your attacks were pretty good and great use of your horns, though your third and fourth posts left me a bit confused as to what his actual attack was, so please be a bit more defining. I really enjoyed you bringing in your previous injuries in your fourth post and mentioning fatigue. I would have liked to see a lot more damage sustained in your fifth post though considering Thor rolled a 6.

Overall you have a good eye, just incorporate more details of the fight as it’s occurring and be specific with you damage/injuries.


Emotion [+1.5]
Your first post was awesome, but after that I got lost in the fire, literally. I didn’t see Thranduil any more, it was just this entity, which maybe you were going for, but it felt very mechanical and action based to me. I wanted to see more of Thranduil’s thoughts, Thranduil’s motives, Thranduil’s presence amid the flames. It never became Thranduil to me, it was just a fighter.


Prose [+3]
Again your first post was lovely, and the others afterwards were too, but there was a lot of dropped pronouns and sometimes confusing areas to try and sort through. You could lower your word count and make more sense if you used their actual names from time to time.


Readability [+1]
Overall you were clear, just sometimes I struggled with your thick prose to decipher what your attack was (especially post 4) or where it was, since sometimes you didn’t detail enough their positions to each other. Then there were a couple typos and just strange sentences detailed below.

Post 2:
“Those earth eyes can not see it…” (cannot)
“Eyes close and teeth grit back the force and flaming with malice and hate that armored head snaps in towards the bay’s exposed hide.” (awkward wording, re-read several times.)
“...the fire which lite his legs could now…” (lit)
“Black heart, chocked by smoke clawed…” (choked)
“Fire lite a wicked grin upon…” (lit)
“Carried on the western wind which blows across comes a cry. Harks pin back and body steps forward, angered another dare interfere. He knows that girl, and he knows what reason lead her to cry out. She would see her mighty fall into the fire.” (...what is happening here?)
“...the pause in the battle had calmed his chocking heart enough…” (choking)

Post 3:
“Cloven hooves, collecting after being slowed by such an impact, though in review it may more a stumble.” (worded weird)
“Raised above the bay the gold tucked his head and lunging off his hinds, but tunnels the force down, arching his back” (tense changed in between or something).


Finally tally: 46.5+(7.5*2)= 61.5 HP


THOR
Realism [+2.5]
You have some really strong and great attacks, and the detail level is great, however you seemed to struggle with what injuries to take. In your second post for instance you took way too much damage for a 1, while in your third post you took too little damage for a 5. If you have questions about proper damage, admin can definitely help explain it better for you.

I did like seeing your past injuries and your fatigue play in on your fourth post, but I would have liked to have seen them a bit more often. I would have also loved more scenery impact - just mentioning there’s sand doesn’t do it, I need to know how the sand affected something. Did it roll under you when you pushed off, shortening a stride and causing you to miss or pull a muscle as you overcompensated? Did it help cushion a hard landing that might have hurt worse on harder ground? Was it irritating? Was it difficult given Thor’s homeland isn’t sandy? Similarly include more breed references - Thor was taller and had a higher strength buff, play to that!

Overall great timing and reality of attacks, but bring in the detail a bit more to really make it outstanding.


Emotion [+2]
All throughout you had some good emotion, but your second post in particular was lovely. Unfortunately it was lacking quite a bit in your third post which brought the overall score down.


Prose [+4]
I really enjoyed reading your posts and your great writing! Your first post was stellar. Watch your overuse of “Buts” though, you’re very fond of starting sentences with them which really isn’t correct and became distracting to me.


Readability [+2]
Overall your posts were pretty clean and neat and you were very good about describing his position in relation to Thranduil and where and what side he was attacking on. I was confused in your first post about where Thor’s injury was since at one point you seemed to say shoulder and at other points hip, but other than a couple minor things detailed below, great job.

Post 2:
“Her cries break through my concentration; an awakening, a breath of cool air pressed against my heated sighs. My gaze strays to find her and just beyond it fixes reluctantly on eyes of green.” (confusing given the flow of this thread.)
“emanating from my back, right ankle.” (horses don’t have ankles.)
“I only seek to find Evangeline. But the beast will not have it so.” (...find Evangeline, but the…)

Post 3:
“... that made my dizzy.” (me)


Finally tally: 14+(10.5*2)= 35 HP