DAEMYN
Realism [-2]
I really liked your first post because you began with strong realism, particularly those extra tidbits of mentioning how he accounts for the dew on the grass (surroundings) and considering her speed and his agility with his attacks (stats and breed refs), which was awesome! The methodology behind your attacks, although I did feel like you had too many attacks piled up back to back, all the while staying in one spot and assuming Ktulu was too. You don’t earn more damage with more attacks, and you can easily distort timing and positioning the more you make, so I suggest sticking more around 2. Three, like you did, is doable, but it can get sticky depending on your description.

By your second post however, reality got a bit stretched. I did like that you took damage from her horn defense and described its injury well. I also appreciated that you took both her and her companion’s magic attacks, however you did not seem to be affected much by them, particularly the strangling magic Ktulu used. Yes, you did mention that you saw the images, but you shook it off really quickly and easily. Yes, you did mention you felt choked, and tried to suck in air a few times throughout the post, but it certainly didn’t impede your evasive or offensive tactics like being choked really should have done, so again you shook off the magic really quickly and easily. Overall in this post I didn’t feel you took enough injury, given that Ktulu rolled a damage of 6, the highest she could have.

Furthermore, in your second post you manage to completely evade her charge attack, directly after being choked, or at least I think you evaded it because you never really detail if it hit or missed, you just go right into your own attack where you kick out at her. The positioning doesn’t make sense though because she came at you head on, and you never mentioned whirling around to throw your hind feet at her, you just say you went to the right (which was actually into her attack, but more on that under readability). You then describe charging after her, however Ktulu never said she kept on going, her post ended with her last attack. You describe trying to slice her with your hooves, which although can happen from hooves, especially if they’re very chipped, is not highly probably since they are blunt, rounded objects meant more for forceful impact that stabbing or slicing. You end with backing up from her, which is a slow, cumbersome movement that most horses avoid.

You also state in your second post: “If it worked, she would have been unable to stop her charge as quickly as he could.” I don’t mind if you say you’re fast, because you do have a good speed stat, but you cannot say he is faster or more agile than her because she has greater speed and equal agility!


Emotion [-1]
Over the course of the fight your emotion felt incredibly lacking, or at times nonsensical, as with his first post where he abruptly changes his mind about mares fighting, even after his entire life he’d been told something else. I’m not saying your character couldn’t change his mind about that, but it seems like a growth that would have been gradual or mentioned more often than the cursory drop it was given. I still never understood at the end of the fight why he was even fighting her.


Prose [+1]
Your prose was not choppy and had a certain maintained style, but I’d really love to see more imagery and advanced words applied throughout your posts to get a better feeling of prose construction.


Readability [-3]
Overall your posts were incredibly difficult to get through from a grammar aspect, and though most of your writing itself was clear, there were a few times where directions got changed up and made it difficult to follow the fight. Please take the time to read through your posts before posting them.

Post 1: You said he threw his butt to the right and hopefully into her, but a few sentences prior you said he feinted to her right side, but ran towards her left side, biting at her left knee, and tried to stop at her side with his butt hopefully past her teeth. This would place her at his left, not his right.
“...black and bronze body taking in her scars and muscles.” (comma after body)
“...arched his neck channeling the…” (comma after neck)
“The rage that had been sown deep by a young bastard king.” (fragment)
“...own that mare's were allowed…” (apostrophe not needed)
“...new revaluation the…” (revelation)
“... before him, she was going…” (semi colon rather than comma)
“His own height; she was built on the lighter side, but he could see the power in her, as well as her bear.” (This sentence doesn’t make sense)
“Moving swiftly, the stallion fainted to her right…” (feinted)
“...hopping to make it to sore to …” (hoping, too sore)
“...slip passed her…” (past)
“Snorting as his resolve hardened clearing his mind of all thoughts but this fight.” (sentence doesn’t make sense)
“...off balance maybe even into the bear.” (needs an and or a comma before maybe)
“...would be to much to ask for right?” (too much)

Post 2: You said he evaded by going to his right, but Ktulu said she was attacking his right, so this wouldn’t have helped him.
“Anger seared through him much like the pain her horn caused.” (comma before much. Also careful, you write this before you write her horn hitting him, so the timing of this is all screwy).
“...by the faint as….” (feint)
“...hoped for; she had…” (needs a comma not a semi colon)
“...own defense throwing…” (comma before throwing)
“...that stated near …” (started)
“...his neck ending two…” (comma before ending)
“Roaring his defiance Daemyn…” (comma before Daemyn, although those first three words really don’t fit with the way you structured the sentence)
“...and pain he realized…” (...pain. He…)
“...was much to late…” (too late)
“His roar rippled through his brain…” (because you’re referring to 2 different males, I need clarification of the subject)
“...in it's wake.” (its)
“Thunder crashed violently as he fought the horrible ideas. “ (Where did the thunder come from all the sudden? If it’s a metaphor or a simile it needs to be phrased as such).
“His heart hammered thinking quickly…” (...hammered. Thinking…)
“...again racing after…” (comma before racing)
“...out trying to bit her flank…” (bite)


Finally tally: 37+(-5*2) = 27 HP


KTULU
Realism [+1.5]
You have a strong sense of fighting mechanics regarding timing, positioning, and just the general capability of a horse. What I would really like to see from you is more attention paid to surroundings and breed/stat differences. I had no idea, other than your OOC note, what or where or when they were fighting. It could have been grass or marshmallows they stood on for all I knew.

Your first post had strong attacks, but I needed you to clarify with your defense to his first attack, as to whether or not it hit. You said she lowered her horn as a defense, but then what? He still attacked, so there still needs to be a definitive miss or hit. I did appreciate you taking self inflicted damage when biting for his rear right as he threw it into her. You were clipped by his buck, but the injury wasn’t detailed enough.

“She had managed to back away enough so that his flank was near her shoulder...” Careful, slight powerplaying here. re-phrase to: “...his flank should be near her shoulder…”

In your second post I again appreciated your self sustained injury as your neck was twinged by that previous horn defense. I needed more description when you shifted into a bear because it was hard to grasp that’s what was actually happening. Additionally given that Daemyn rolled a damage of 5 you needed to sustain a lot more injuries in this post than a twinged neck (technically, time wise, in your prior post), and a small bite.


Emotion [+1]
Throughout the fight I didn’t get much emotion from your posts other than a general dislike for him and some frustration/confusion at his attacks. I really wanted to get more inside her head than be told what was in her head, so that I could feel like I knew Ktulu when she was fighting.

"You throw your ass around like a mare in heat!" (lol!)


Prose [+3]
You had lovely, consistent prose with great flow and vocabulary.


Readability [+2]
Only a few concerns in your first post as far as grammar and understanding positioning, otherwise it was easy to read.

Post 1: You say she thunders into her charge, but they should still be close with the way you wrote it? You also attack on his right side, but they were left to left.
“...Daemyn's mouth Ktulu assumed…” (comma after mouth)
“...her knee because she….” (comma after knee)
“...back away more but Daemyn…” (comma after more)
“...the healers and nurses throat's …” (the s on the healers and nurses needs the apostrophe, not throats)
“...seriously but how…” (comma before but)


Finally tally: 48=(7.5*2) = 63 HP