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01-10-2015, 02:16 PM
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I didn’t know that the dark mare who laid there dead this go around had any relation to me whatsoever—and maybe that’s a good thing. … ..wow that came out rougher than I thought it would. Give me a chance to explain it, goddamn. Okay so. Picture this; tears everywhere, people groaning and being all sad ‘n shit about someone having mysteriously fallen dead and no one knows how to stop it. It was becoming too familiar, which was probably the most awful part about it; the hundredth (thousandth) time around wasn’t any less painful than the first, but callouses form for a reason and a heart’s a muscle, so maybe they get callouses too. Maybe I was getting a callous? Except no, that’s bullshit because I was still feeling the bile rise up in my throat seeing a crowd of mourners gathered around this dead stranger to me, an auntie I never knew I had, never cared to find, didn’t think twice about. Someone called her ”mama” and I almost lost it right then, anyway, just having the idea of losing my own Ma cross my mind. And speak of the devil there she was right there, her own sadness palpable, possibly a clue to shared blood and heritage—but all the sight of her did was make my throat constrict, these feelings that I couldn’t change or fix or get rid of kind of squirming around inside, keeping my feet locked and unable to go see a Ma I could lose any day, anytime. (Way to turn the pain around on yourself Ros, jeez, that’s not insensitive at all. Bitch.) I was close—really close—to walking forward, seeing the mess in detail, seeing why my Ma had such a sour, bitter look in her eye. But I stopped myself, seeing someone else go to my Ma, speak to her, get her words from her, soft as they were. I opened my mouth—then closed it. The paleness of the stranger seemed familiar, but there was too many confusing, swirling things in my head to piece a memory together. I didn’t have a voice for my Ma that could be heard by stranger ears. So I left. Which is why it was probably better that I didn’t know that mare was fam. Shit was weird enough as it was. [Daily dose of emo Ros :| ] |
