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K e i d a j e n You do not know true loss until you have lost something you love me more than yourself. I suppose that some have the good fortune of going through their lives never knowing how true loss wears away at your very soul. They live life being oblivious. Blissfully unaware. Wrapped comfortably in their ignorance. Others are less fortunate. Despite this life goes on; time waits for no on. Time has no care for our mortal lives, our tragedies are mere hiccups in his time line. Lungs continue to fill even as my heart feels to have ceased to beat. "I. Am." My gaze traveled up the length of the tree I leaned against. It seemed to reach into the clouds. So high its branches went it was a wonder that the sun did not burn it to a crisp. I suppose trees don't learn the tale of Icarus. But trees are thought to be wise. What is it that they spend all of their many years reaching for? Surely there is something above us, that makes them decide to stay rooted to one spot always reaching. Could this tree speak what wisdom would it offer? Would my ears even be able to decipher its words? Perhaps the trees do whisper their words to passerby. Their words could be what rides the leaves down on the summer's breeze, or could be part of the satisfaction that is gained from stepping on a particularly crunchy leaf. I am delirious to have become so lost in my thoughts while in the presence of a stranger. Arah still awaits my response. It is a struggle to offer her one. At some point I had become a foreigner to my own homeland. The tongue that I had been born into now sounds like gibberish and is only a faint memory. "I. Am. Okay." I am a liar. My words are hard on the ears; no longer is my own speech familiar. The few words that I speak take effort but are still choppy and hesitant. "Keidajen. Name." In saying my name my voice momentarily regains its natural lull, a cadence returns and I sound like myself. Arah's question still hung in the air and I was too tired to try to process her words. Did she think me to be dumb? Maybe I could pretend to be deaf in this land? There would be no need to interact with words then. I simply nod in response and hope to the heavens that it is a suitable reply. If I am to learn anything of this place I was once born to; if I am to find my way back out of it and into Elivian again I must somehow befriend its inhabitants. My existence in Helovia is only to be a temporary one. I no longer speak nor walk in grace. Instead I stumble and trip in grace's shadow. For the mare who has treated me with such kindness seems to be the living carnation of grace itself. Arah's footsteps gently kiss the ground and glide over roots and other obstacles in our path. I move with the unsteady movements of a babe just discovering her body. A sigh of relief falls from my lips as I catch a glimpse of water before us. Dipping my head to Arah I do my best to trot to the water's edge without imprinting my face into the mud. I had not realized how parched I was, the cool water can be felt traveling down the length of my throat. For a moment nothing exists beyond filling myself with the cool water. Gulp after gulp I swallow before lifting away from its surface. Water drips from my maw back into the stream, I watch as they fall. One after another. But still they fall together. All embrace the surface with the same enthusiasm; and it is there that they reunite. Will I be able to recieve the joy of reuniting with my friends again? It is a loaded question that weighs my down as if a beast has sprawled itself across my back. Once the droplets have all taken their leave and the ripples have stilled my own reflection causes me to take an involuntary step back. What I saw could not have been my own face. I looked to be broken from the inside out. My eyes told my tale more than words ever could have. Sadness radiates out from their depths and it chokes the air around me. I am a walking tragedy. I, Keidajen looked like I had been to hell and back; and I certainly did not look to have fared well during the journey. Suddenly a spark began reignite my soul. This was not who I am. And it is not who I will allow myself to be. "Sed quid ego a nobis Ego in hoc natus sum, sed hinc non iam huius! Quod per sortem accepit me; et convertit me fortuna. Non est bonum! Non est iustum." I was pretty sure that Arah would not understand my words. They had erupted from my lips before I could stop them. And why should I have stopped them? I was not a meek soul who would settle. I would be where I belonged. There was nothing that could hold me back. "Sorry. Arah. This.." once again I was lost for words, "I heart sick. Sad. It not me." I sounded clumsy. "I am strong." I took a deep breath in before continuing. My focus was intense as I tried to get the words out. Standing tall I try to show her who I was prior to the fracturing of my heart. I try to show her who the real Keidajen is. "Sed quid ego a nobis Ego in hoc natus sum, sed hinc non iam huius ! Quod per sortem accepit me ; et convertit me fortuna . Non est bonum ! Non est iustum ."| What do I do from here? I was born here but I am no longer one of this land! Fate took me; and misfortune has brought me back. It is not fair! It isn't just. @[Arah] I am so sorry for the wait. Without internet I had to fight my phone to try to post. But I am in the library daily now so posts will be quicker. |
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