She was amusing, if an enigma. For some reason, Kaj found her interesting, and beyond that, he found her...enlightening to be around. She was so drastically different from those he knew in Helovia, and he liked it. She reminded him a lot of the mages from his homeland, a dangerous comparison considering his own emotions regarding the dark past he dared not ruminate on. Yet, there was also something that kept her from falling into that category, something new and unforeseen. A group she created that held her and her alone, and Kaj wanted so badly for her to give up her secrets if only so he could place her somewhere. Understand her. Yet her mystery only made her more enticing, only encouraged him to remain where he was rather than walk away and leave her to her thoughts and morning runs.

A wink and a smile lent him further amusement, and he smiled upon her, glad that his foolery was well received and even returned. "I would not deign to call you foolish. Would it not be I, for knowing so little?" his eyes twinkled with a rare amusement, struggling through the darkness that he was unaware would darken and grow heavier with the future he could not see. "Though I quite appreciate the kick in the rump, too many treat me with utmost care," Kaj laughed, though the truthfulness was a giveaway to his sincerity in his appreciation of her actions.

Like a flower that bloomed only during the nighttime, she shrank away from his question, closing up and retreating away from the truth he quietly sought. He remained in his station, quiet, immobile. He had slid his pawn across the board, face to face with her queen. He folded his hands into his lap, even as his eyes never flickered or wavered from the delicate expanse of her features, so shielded and distrustful. It was her move. Kaj would do nothing to poke, prod, or pry. If she did not want to give him an answer, that was her decision. Her business was not his, and though he'd like to make it if only in one manner, Cirrus had the right to reject and spurn him for his curiosity. Still, something told Kaj that somehow, that wouldn't be the case.

Her coat changed, odd, reflecting the new clouds that formed overhead. It reminded him a lot of his own magic, but he did not dare to let his surprise show, fearing she would use the reprieve to shield herself away. Hide from him. And for some reason, Kaj didn't want that.

Her words were soft, tentative, but he waited through the hesitancy and the trepidation. He merely gazed at her, allowing her the anchor of his gaze should she need it to steady herself. He never wavered, allowed the lows and the highs to wash over him like waves, and in his heart he understood her pain. Perhaps not in the same way, but nobody ever really could. But the pain, the loss, the grief...that, he could understand.

What hurt most was seeing how she buried her head against her leg to wipe her tears. That she was so used to being alone, to suffering with nobody there, that she instinctively comforted herself. It hurt to know that nobody had cared enough to be there for her, to wipe her tears for her. Kaj wondered if she'd even let him think about being that person for her.

Stepping forward, he did so slowly, allowing her to back away or chase him from her form. Crown dipped towards her, drawn to the magnetism of her grief, seeking to find her muzzle with his own, give her some sort of reason to lift her head and see the future with him. Allow him to comfort her, even if he didn't wholly understand.

"I cannot express my regret properly," he whispered, wishing she would meet his eyes if only to see his sincerity. "I am sorry that I asked you to relive it. I can only hope that sharing it with me has been cathartic for you...just know that I will carry this for you, what little it may help." Whether she cared for or even wanted his help, Kaj didn't care. He'd do it anyway. Because somewhere in her eyes, he saw how broken she was, and he respected how strong she was in spite of that fact. Dropping his muzzle whether she returned the proffered touch or not, he swallowed and tried to move his suddenly leaden tongue with the daunting prospect ahead. "It is only fair that I tell my own story, to respect the huge honor you have done me in revealing something so intimate about yourself." Would she care? If anything, it would be a distraction from her turmoil, could potentially keep her from curling in and deflecting him. Kaj didn't want her going to a place where he could not reach or help her.

"Where I hail from, there are Mages and there are Guards. Only mares were Mages, and only stallions were Guards. Mages had incredible magic, and they were the ones who fought one another. They were of utmost importance. Each Mage had a Guard, a stallion with no magical ability. If a colt was born with magic, it was promptly killed. Magicless fillies only survived because they could potentially spawn a magic filly..." Kaj wondered if it would have been kinder for that not to have been a rule. If Aniela would have been better off dead from the start, free from the suffering that she would face in her short two years of life. Still, he was a selfish man, and he cherished those few memories he had of his sickly sister. Even if it would have been a kinder fate, Kaj never would have wanted it.

"When the Mages' energy drained, their Guards came into play. We were meant to be physical shields, nothing more. The death toll for Guards were horrifically high, so pregnancies and aging were sped along by magic. We would be subjected to a thousand excruciating magic types, but we were fighters. We knew only our Mages and death..." his eyes grew distant, muscular body tensing and relaxing in a ripple of scarred hide, sensory memory. He shuddered beneath the force of it, feeling like he'd vomit with the memories that assaulted him, ones he'd happily repressed the moment he'd left.

And then his eyes and voice grew soft, mountainous form softening from its former rigidity. "And then, my mother, she had another foal. She was born too soon, and magic could do nothing to help her. She was...so tiny," he whispered, pain resonating through his features in a spasm, but his eyes were full of tortured, aching love. "Mother nearly killed her, but I promised to care for her. She wouldn't even name the poor thing. But the moment I saw her, I felt such love..." he choked, throat convulsing as he cleared it painfully, forcing himself onward. Cirrus had not failed in her story, Kaj would take a piece of advice from her book and do the same. Even if it killed him to remember.

"I named her Aniela. She was beautiful in ways I'd never seen, in all my years of magic and war. Her laugh was like birdsong, I never saw her without a smile. And I loved her, I loved her," he whispered, lost in the distant echo of that laugh in his ears, nearly prompting him to look up and around for a figure that would never really be there. He refrained, knowing it would only bring him further pain. "She accepted her fate with grace, she was afraid of dying but she knew it was inevitable. I was the one who couldn't be okay with it, couldn't admit to myself that it was a lost cause. She only ever saw good in this horrible world," Kaj's voice strained, hatred for fate and her cruel ways coloring each vocal chord with longing and agony.

"I lost her before she reached her fourth solstice." And like that, the emotions withered away into nothingness. A mere fact. "I left because I couldn't bear to see their apathy, and I realized that I would rather die than live there and find the same fate. I thought I would find something better here, in Helovia. Even with my problems understanding, I thought maybe I could find reprieve." He laughed hollowly and shook his head, eyes far away. "Instead, mare after mare took my heart and told me it was forever. And then they took a bite out of it, spat it out, and left. Love is just as tarnished here in romance as it was there in family," Kaj concluded, voice low enough that his chest rumbled with each syllable. It was partially spat out, would have been completely if he had the energy to do so.

"If Sitka was to you what Aniela was to me...then no amount of apologies can ever heal you. It comes from you trying to move on, preserving their memory but living on because you know they would have wanted it. I seek love because it's what she wanted for me. Perhaps it is life and purpose that Sitka would have wanted for you," he said quietly. It was a daring thing to say, truly, because he was potentially crossing a lot of lines in that moment by assuming what Sitka would have wanted for Cirrus. Pretending to know who Sitka was, what he was like, embodied. But Kaj at least had to try, if only for Cirrus' sake.

@[Cirrus] - So originally I had no muse to start this post, but once I finally COULD start it, it exploded. I'msosorry.