“Shit you’re tall,” I whispered into her mane as I held her—and something foolish rose up in my throat like a laugh. I squeezed my eyes against the less-foolish stuff that wanted to rise too, the stuff I was sick of; I shook my head a little against her neck, and my chuckle was a weak one. “When the hell did that happen…?”

So much time lost. So much that’s happened since I woke up one night, nestled against her—larger than she was for the first time, larger than I needed to be, with a mind that wasn’t entirely my own. I could still feel the pain of my first stumbling steps; the confusion that followed me like a whirlwind as I abandoned her (for the first time) in our bedding. I remember how I felt the world was ending; how it had been plunged into night, and I was forced to fight, and get lost in the desert, and fumble around uselessly for no reason at all. To hold the time in my hands—and flail so hard that it was able to fly away from me.

And now I know that it was only the beginning.

* "It'll be okay."*

I sighed deeply against her, my breath rattling as I sucked it in. Fuck you if you laugh but she smelled so good and felt so amazing and oh god I missed her voice and everything and it was crashing down on me, little by little, covering the sadness in our union like a velvet shroud. And it was so perfect just to stand there with her, so right, that I hated to bring the truth in the mix, the awful reality that separated us in the first place. I hated to do it—I wish I could’ve just kept my mouth shut and play the nut-bucket role.

But I can’t lie.

“No, Jiji,” I said deeply, doing the hardest thing ever by pulling away from her so I could look her in the eye. “No,” I said again, shaking my head, “This isn’t…this isn’t done.” My eyes were heavy as I looked into the crimson pools of stuff that her eyes always were to me. “This is only the beginning.”

My mouth twisted bitterly, and the truth kept falling out of my mouth, even though I hated that it was doing. “I couldn’t stop the infection in you,” I said heavily, “I told you I was gonna and I didn’t do it. I’ve abandoned you….how many times?” I shook my head so hard it felt like I was trying to throw it. “Doesn’t matter. Too many. It… I’m…” My breath caught as I tried to find the words, but it was hard to talk and look at her all at the same time (shut up). “I’m not….good for you, Ji. I can’t—I asked you to follow me and look what happened.” I paused, unsure of myself and the path I was going with this. Because in all honesty I wasn’t sure what I was trying to say, but my mouth has this amazing ability to spit the right words even if my brain has shit-thinking skills. “Look at you now. We haven’t seen each other in years and you’re…Dammit Ji, you’re glowing gold.” And it was true that she looked hurt in her face, that her body was pulling in a way that only pain could do—but I was still speaking truth, and beauty ain’t easily fucked-up by emotions.

“I can’t ask you to follow me again,” I was saying, the line drawn in the sand before I even knew there was a stick, “I can’t…ask you to do that. I can—please, just be careful for me, okay? Just…watch yourself.” And my voice caught, then, because I really wasn’t sure what I was saying anymore—and it sounded an awful lot like a goodbye. “This is only the beginning.”





@[Ranjiri]