*"I think it would be easier to explain how the Gods came to be than to explain why or how I could love you.*

And it was this and—well, I guess it was that smile too, that thing that was trying to spread across a tear-soaked face that finally got me.

I kinda lost it at that point. The soggy laughter barked out of me again, except now it was more than a brief ripple this time; it tumbled out of me, raucous and sad and baffled but still falling from me in bubbles and waves so hard it made my shoulders shake. Figures her love would be a mystery. Figures it would leave her speechless (too).

Why not me, she was asking. Why shouldn’t I deserve someone like her? Millions of reasons flew through my head, some I’d tried to tell her already, others that left me tongue-tied, and some that had no words at all—just feelings, anxieties, ideas and fervent beliefs. All of them swirled in my head—stopped up and blocked, because I was still laughing and my cheeks were starting to hurt and there was wetness coming down that I couldn’t feel, couldn’t stop, even if I wanted to, but I was too busy laughing to speak my mind and spit the truth at her.

*“It doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to. I don't think it’s something meant to be understood, just something meant to be felt, given, and returned."*

“Fine,” I said, somehow finding my tongue buried beneath the sticky, sour sniggering that lingered there. “Fine,” I said again, a hoarse push passed my lips. That shove opened a floodgate I guess, the gates of something I had been keeping back, scared to unleash, unwilling to even consider the possibility of it. How could I hold her again, when all I did was scar her? How could I speak, when my words just make her cry?

(--felt, given, and returned--)

I snorted, and with a feeling of rusty hinges being broken open and freed—my joints moved, and I approached her again.

I didn’t hold her like the last time, though. I just came close to her—dangerously, perilously close—my nose brushing the crook of her neck, just there, maybe even the hint of lip against her hide. “Fine,” I said again, but my voice had dropped and the push was gone and all there was left was rough silk, something throaty and defeated. “I told you I sucked,” I murmured against her—her air, her presence, her scent that wouldn’t leave me, “Told you flat out I was wrong for you.” The chuckle slipped out again before I could stop it—shaking my shoulders as it rocked from my throat. “But your stubborn ass won’t listen,” I kept going, my voice still that barest trace of something that didn’t even try to analyze. “Fine. Fine. Love me if you’re hell-bent on it.” I sighed. “And I’ll do it back as best I can.”

What could I do? What could I do? She had me in a headlock; she had me pinned in the dirt, rubbing it in my face. Slain. All I wanted to do was protect her—keep her safe, alive, and this trick didn’t feel like listening, wanted to raise up and fight my type of love even when my hooves swung for her. Fuck it. I tried. But that wasn’t what my Jiji wanted from me.

(--felt, given, and returned--)

I sighed again, my eyes still closed—but that was probably to protect me against this sense of vertigo I was undergoing. I thought back to what she had said—about how she hadn’t been happy for a long time. And my chest pulled at the thought again, and I knew she hurt even more than I did over To—over—over her brother’s passing. But that was a thing that had just happened—it didn’t explain everything over the seasons.

“Why ain’t you been happy, Ji?” I asked, rumbling traces of words on my teeth.



@[Ranjiri]