i won't be saved

i had nothing better than to sob, weak and vulnerable upon the red sand. i swore and muttered, feeling stupid and foolish as sia explained that she needed to fix my wing. my weeping had become louder, a tumbling, tortuously loud scream befalls my lips as my lungs collapse and the pure thought of seele being dead slams down into me once again. i'm being torn apart by the thought of never hearing her voice again, knowing i can't run to her when i get upset anymore.

everyone i've ever loved has died, and that means— that means sia has to be next. she's the only other person i've ever loved, and losing her will ultimately destroy me. wallowing in the awful rumbling mess of emotions that cloaks me, my conscious is brought forth with the cold, hollow and bitter words falling from sia's lips. i stop breathing, heart skidding to a halt and eyes welling with tears. my mouth gapes pitifully, throat knotting and constricting, small gasps rolling from my tongue as i struggle to breathe. i'm trembling uncontrollably, left side throbbing and legs shaking violently. "i- i." i choke up, unable to grasp at words as i panic, coughing and choking on something that isn't there. my mind is reeling, trying to find something to hold onto. i'm lost in a void derived of nothing but the need for death, the self hatred and fear swelling beyond my control.

it takes a time before i can summon words, shivering and sobbing as my body loosens and air is forced into my lungs, gasping as i struggle to take in as much air as i can. my heart continues to pound rapidly, prepared to leap from my chest as i finally gather the courage to speak. "s-seele." the name comes out broken and fragmented, sniffles and sobs breaking apart my words. "i didn't mean to— may- maybe if i hadn't been there— maybe then seele would've lived. i didn't ask to be protected— the shadows." i whisper, eyes widening and running to find solace in the light, not daring to rest upon the dancing, blurry shadow of sia. fear swells within at the thought of the shadow leaping forth like a predator and tearing her apart. "it was the shadows! she just- she just wanted to protect me!" i wail, listening to sia press more questions towards me. why? why? she wants to know why? fear and anger, rage and a sense of absolute devastation and anguish wash over me, drowning me and twisting me into something awful. "why?" i blurt out, teeth grinding together in aggravation. "I DIDN'T FUCKING KILL HER!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!" i scream, nostrils flaring and heart pounding, stomach knotting and the butterflies threatening to claw out from their confined space within my gut.

it takes me a few moments of deep inhaling and exhaling to calm myself enough to speak again. "it's my fault she's dead, she tried to protect me and i was too stupid to do anything. i watched her get torn apart. they crushed her like a bug sia, like a big, bloody bug." my voice grows quieter, emotion fading as my face only displays pain and anguish, my body still shaking loosely. glancing up to sia, i murmur quietly to her, "you're all i have left." stretching forward to touch her, any part of her, whatever i could grasp at. i whisper something in that moment, heart racing and stomach flipping, the butterflies angrily biting and tearing at the lining of my gut, praying she doesn't hear them fighting to escape. "i love you sia."

@[Sikeax] • ; __ ;